Oh no!

So at work today this girl came in to get a gift card, and I tried ringing her up but the system wouldn't process the card. I tried using 2 different gift cards, 5 times in a row trying to get it to work. I even called my manager over and she tried. I suggested we try using a merchandise card (which is similar but different), but there was no option to ring up a merch card. We apologized for the system being retarded and told her she could get a gift card online, that it would work the same way.

Well when she left the store I wanted to see if I could ring a gift card but swipe a merch card to process, but its card number wasn't valid. So then for kicks I tested the gift card to see if the system would work now that the customer had left the store.... and it did! But obviously, in order to test the system I had to ring up the gift card. Once processed, I couldn't void the transaction. The computer froze on the gift card screen and only gave me one option: F1 Retry. This meant retry voiding the process. Which was INVALID and brought me back to the F1 option (a cycle, you see).

I told my manager who rebooted the computer like it was no big deal, thus voiding the transaction (since no money had exchanged hands)... but I had a niggling feeling that it didn't void the gift card which had already been processed. So on a whim I decided to see if the card had money on it. To do this, I stuck the card in my pocket and took it home.

I've already been fired from Chuck E. Cheese for stealing tickets and giving them to my neighbor to use at the redemption counter (to get me a cheap radio and her whatever she wanted). This was when I was 16, and hadn't thought through the ramifications of such a scheme. Contrarily, I hadn't thought out the task either, since I can think of much better ways to steal that radio without being caught. Is this a good thing? Probably not, but it thrills my black heart to test my underhanded theories... to see if I could get away with it.

Well anyway, taking the card is not stealing. No... just hear me out. The card itself has no value, or if it does it's pennies. Therefore, putting a blank card in my pocket is a drop in the bucket. Besides, my plan is to return the empty, non-loaded card to the store. What use do I have for a piece of plastic? I just wanted to see if my gut instinct was right... the bad part?

It was...

I went onto the company's website and put an item into my cart and went to check out and plugged in the card number. It discounted the preloaded amount from the total... I now currently hold in my possession a card with money on it that no one knows about. And I'm thinking to myself... oh no!

What do I do now? I can't use the card, that is stealing. I can't return the card: because A) I can't tell the truth to my managers and explain what happened B) I can't leave it on the floor to be found and shuffled back into the pile of gift cards to be used by someone else thus giving money away for free, and C) I can't give it to a customer who intends to purchase a card for the exact amount of the card as that would throw the registers off and/or require me pocketing the money.

I could hand it over to some unsuspecting random who deserves a break, but could it be traced back to me? And part of me (the black hearted part) wants to know why I never get a break... okay, that's a lie. I just haven't had a break recently - so is handing the card over sending good karma out into the world? No, because the card is "hot" anyway.

So my only option is to cut it up and spend the next few weeks regretting that I had enough of a moral conscience to make that decision instead of buying a cute top or pair of jeans for myself. And secretly, I'm pleased that I know this little tidbit of naughty information - how to load a gift card right under everyone's noses without anyone being the wiser*.

*not to say that I haven't left a paper trail since anyone who cares to be that meticulous could discover a voided transaction without a voided processed gift card. But who would really be that meticulous, or, let's face it, that smart? It has been my understanding that everyone at this company is a retard.

Oh Man

Does anyone ever feel as if they're falling behind in life? Recently, I feel like that all the time. I have plenty to be thankful for - a roof over my head, parents who let me mooch off them, a quasi-stable job, and enough money to not fall further into debt - but I still feel as if I'm inadequate in life accomplishments. I see people who I knew way back when who are doing so well for themselves while I'm still living the life of a high school student. Except, I don't even have classes to attend or homework to finish.

My friend has gotten a "career" job, while I've fallen by the wayside. Every time I hear a No from some new company who has written to turn me down for the position I was more than qualified for... I fall deeper into despair. A pastor at a church that I don't attend has said that in order to receive a miracle, God is going to lead you through desperation. Desperation as preparation... in order to be humble and thankful for the gifts you receive.

At first I thought to myself, but I don't feel desperation. I have a lot of faith that God has me right where I need to be and this has helped me overcome a good deal of depressing thoughts. So there I was thinking, how can I feel desperate? But that was the start of it... everything has gone downhill since. And I've started truly feeling desperate, depressed, antisocial, and other horrible feelings that I rarely felt before.

Futhermore, I've always held the belief that God is never going to do the expected or predictable. For instance, I don't believe the world will end in 2012 because (aside from the hoax-esque quality of the conspiracy theorists and the misinterpreted Mayan calendar) God isn't going to be like... Oh? Well if everyone thinks this is it, it must be... time to blow up the world! God has a plan. Anyway, my point is that once I begin to expect a miracle I won't get one. Or worse, I only feel desperate because I want there to be a miracle soon... What if this isn't desperation at all? What if these are the good times and the bad are yet to come? What if I never find a job and really do become a bum on the street? I mean... those people out there now get that way somehow or another. I am just as likely as the next person to become homeless.

So on top of not having a life, with few friends (read here: .75), and fewer experiences... I have unemployed to add to the list. And kick me while I'm down, the friend who has the job asks me for advice!! Hell if I know what you're suppose to do... if I had the answers to that wouldn't I be the one with the job??? I don't even know what I'm suppose to do with my life... and the only thing I really want to do with my life is join the Peace Corps.

But I can't get out of debt by going into the Peace Corps. Maybe I'm not suppose to get out of debt first? That same pastor said to give my financial responsibilities to the Lord. Tithe and all that. Pay God first. And so I have been (well not officially, yet). But I have been taking 10% out of my pay check and putting it into my savings account in order to tithe in the future... once I can be sure I won't need it to pay for my cardboard box. What if I gave all my finances to the Lord? What if I said today... yes Peace Corps it is! then just left? Would I be in bigger trouble once I came back? How can I be sure it's the right thing to do.

Lately I've prayed, and I feel as if I've forgotten how to listen. Or have answers to my previous prayers just been easier to understand? I feel a lot of self doubt, and aside from knowing I want to 1. Travel 2. Experience new culture 3. Meet new people and 4. Help mankind in an immediate and profound way... I have no clue what I want to do. I feel so dependent on people and I hate that feeling. I feel so angry all the time and I hate that feeling. I feel so despondent and ugly and unfit and bored and listless and lifeless all the time. And I hate that feeling.

How can half a year go by without me having accomplished anything??? I'm going to die soon and I'm just wasting my life. I don't want to waste my life.