Lonely

So it's been a while and I feel the need to vent.

I'm officially in Phoenix. Not a place I would have chosen for myself... if I had a choice. My apartment, while large and safe, has bug problems and carpet smells. The front office is never open when I'm home and the fitness center is always closed.

But other than that, I really can't complain.

My job, however, is AMAZING! I am doing the most wonderfully fulfilling work I have ever done in my entire life. I get to manage my own time as I see fit, with minimal supervision. I am able to give myself my own deadlines and turn in my own deliverables according to my own project plan... that I chose to create of my own accord. BUT, I get to tap the knowledge and experience of a woman who has been in the business for over 25 years. If I need to learn something, she will pay for my education.

For instance, I mentioned that I had found a book on social networking in regards to non-profits and she bought me the book! I get to go to a day long grant writing seminar for free! And, she's going to introduce me to some of her connections who will be able to pass on expertise in fields I'm unfamiliar with, like business, marketing, and design!

I want her job. I want to be her! She's my new idol and I just pray I'll be able to impress her! Like right now, I am running behind on my second deadline. I intended to do 2 weeks of background research and then prepare a needs assessment report based on my findings. It's now currently 8 solid pages and I have at least 2 more to go. I've gotta crank those out tomorrow and then have mom look them over so I'm able to turn in a pristine and well edited report.

And none of that... "oh how childish to have your mom edit your papers" crap. Because even professors publishing journal articles have editors and my mother is not only free, but extremely smart when it comes to the written word. So there :P

Anyways, I am so excited for the work I'll be doing! And even though some of it is tedious and boring... it'll all be worth it in the end!

The biggest problem has been having no friends. I get so lonely! And there really haven't been anyone my age around. They're all old women. I do have a handful of acquaintances whom I met at PSO training, though. And they each live between 2 and 6 hours away. I was able to visit one about two weeks ago and go horse riding, even.

But in general I'm so alone.

So when they all wanted to come into town for the weekend, I thought heck yea! let's do it! and had them drive up on Friday. Last night (Saturday) they wanted to do a halloween/clubbing thing which sounded like good fun since I love dancing... but my second thought was how much they would be drinking.

I told them straight off the bat, rule number 1) no puking in my apartment! But what do they go and do? Oh, that's right... get shitfaced and start puking in the club - get us kicked out! So our (my!) night is cut short and we have to deal with drunken drama. God, they are so immature. And of course the entire time they're talking about how living on the Res is so awful, and there is no drinking, and there are no guys... on and on... and frankly, as good as I have it, if I could keep my job but live on a Res, I would. Two girls get to live in the mountains with people their own age and get to be in a community and learn a new culture and language and see the stars.

I'm not complaining, but it would have been nice to experience that, too.

So the whole time I have to listen to them complain, and yes I understand that not all circumstances are preventable... but for the ones that are, they have no reason to be complaining about them. And as for not being able to get wasted on a regular basis... GOOD!

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T HOLD THEIR LIQUOR!

and to top it off, I quote: "The Res is awful, there are no hot men... and sometimes a girl wants a big hard cock in her" [insert giggling]

WTF?

And this wasn't said in a funny, I'm drunk sort of way... or an I'm serious, fact sort of way... no, it was said in a how can I be the most shocking so everyone thinks I'm cool and grown up sort of way. There was nothing genuine about these girls. They are two-faced, immature, attention getters.

And I just wish I could find a friend...

But on a happier note, while at a career fair on a Res about an hour from here, I met a guy who ran a therapy riding stable and who needed help on the weekends! So maybe I'll have the chance to work with horses and meet some people with less superfluous interests at the same time!

Losing Nothing

I think with change, the hardest part is knowing you won't get to have your usual routine, do the same things, see the same people. You have to rely on memories... that's the trigger. That's why change is so scary for me. I'm afraid my memories won't be enough. Like I'll lose something good and then forget what good even felt like. I rarely think of it in a positive light.

I have to remind myself that I'll always have my memories (at least until I suffer from Alzheimer's but even then... I won't remember that there was something to remember, so I won't be sad). And when have I ever left something good behind without replacing it with something good or even better? Never, I don't think.

I was always sad and nervous when I started a new school - elementary to middle, middle to junior high, and so on. But I never regretted those changes. When I was a kid, I'd cry myself to sleep over thoughts of death and fires and loss. I cried when I was 6 at my babysitter's wedding, when I couldn't understand the concept of a honeymoon. I thought she was leaving forever. In high school, once I realized that my parents wouldn't spontaneously combust into a pile of ash and flame, I would morn the loss of my youth... letting stress and fear of the unknown cause me to panic.

It's funny now to think about how sad and worried I was to be turning 13. I thought being a teenager was horrible, being that much closer to death. Well... I still feel that way. That song 100 Years gets me every time because when you think about it, 100 years isn't so very long at all.

But at what point have you ever stopped and said, God I wish I hadn't gone to college, studied abroad, gotten a job... I mean sure we all have our regrets. I wish I wasn't such a lazy slob all the time, wish I had lost weight in high school, wish I'd gotten better grades etc. But I don't regret going to Central. Central was some of the best years of my life. I learned to be me at Central. And while I cried on my way to New Zealand... I had the time of my life there! I cried when I left it, too.

I have abandonment issues. I'm afraid that when I leave, I'll leave everything and everyone and all my memories behind. But as I sit here in my bed on my last day (potentially) as a "young adult." I'm thinking... this must be where I'm meant to be. I can feel it. I'm sad to be leaving, I'm worried I won't be welcome home with my parents, I'm worried my friends will forget me and move on with their lives before I come back. But... I guess... what kind of life have I lived if that were the case?

What I mean is, my life is like plow. It's unruly and hard to manage and is usually pulled along but some force - fate - but my life has weight to it. It's heavy. And the world is soil. And whether it's soft, rich, or hard as rock... the plow is going to scratch at the surface. My life has weight and I've left a trail or trench or whatever. I think that even if I were to lose everything. I'd still have something.

But then, why do I have to lose anything? I'm only a year's experience and 2000 miles away from home. In this day and age, that's nothing.