Oh Man

Does anyone ever feel as if they're falling behind in life? Recently, I feel like that all the time. I have plenty to be thankful for - a roof over my head, parents who let me mooch off them, a quasi-stable job, and enough money to not fall further into debt - but I still feel as if I'm inadequate in life accomplishments. I see people who I knew way back when who are doing so well for themselves while I'm still living the life of a high school student. Except, I don't even have classes to attend or homework to finish.

My friend has gotten a "career" job, while I've fallen by the wayside. Every time I hear a No from some new company who has written to turn me down for the position I was more than qualified for... I fall deeper into despair. A pastor at a church that I don't attend has said that in order to receive a miracle, God is going to lead you through desperation. Desperation as preparation... in order to be humble and thankful for the gifts you receive.

At first I thought to myself, but I don't feel desperation. I have a lot of faith that God has me right where I need to be and this has helped me overcome a good deal of depressing thoughts. So there I was thinking, how can I feel desperate? But that was the start of it... everything has gone downhill since. And I've started truly feeling desperate, depressed, antisocial, and other horrible feelings that I rarely felt before.

Futhermore, I've always held the belief that God is never going to do the expected or predictable. For instance, I don't believe the world will end in 2012 because (aside from the hoax-esque quality of the conspiracy theorists and the misinterpreted Mayan calendar) God isn't going to be like... Oh? Well if everyone thinks this is it, it must be... time to blow up the world! God has a plan. Anyway, my point is that once I begin to expect a miracle I won't get one. Or worse, I only feel desperate because I want there to be a miracle soon... What if this isn't desperation at all? What if these are the good times and the bad are yet to come? What if I never find a job and really do become a bum on the street? I mean... those people out there now get that way somehow or another. I am just as likely as the next person to become homeless.

So on top of not having a life, with few friends (read here: .75), and fewer experiences... I have unemployed to add to the list. And kick me while I'm down, the friend who has the job asks me for advice!! Hell if I know what you're suppose to do... if I had the answers to that wouldn't I be the one with the job??? I don't even know what I'm suppose to do with my life... and the only thing I really want to do with my life is join the Peace Corps.

But I can't get out of debt by going into the Peace Corps. Maybe I'm not suppose to get out of debt first? That same pastor said to give my financial responsibilities to the Lord. Tithe and all that. Pay God first. And so I have been (well not officially, yet). But I have been taking 10% out of my pay check and putting it into my savings account in order to tithe in the future... once I can be sure I won't need it to pay for my cardboard box. What if I gave all my finances to the Lord? What if I said today... yes Peace Corps it is! then just left? Would I be in bigger trouble once I came back? How can I be sure it's the right thing to do.

Lately I've prayed, and I feel as if I've forgotten how to listen. Or have answers to my previous prayers just been easier to understand? I feel a lot of self doubt, and aside from knowing I want to 1. Travel 2. Experience new culture 3. Meet new people and 4. Help mankind in an immediate and profound way... I have no clue what I want to do. I feel so dependent on people and I hate that feeling. I feel so angry all the time and I hate that feeling. I feel so despondent and ugly and unfit and bored and listless and lifeless all the time. And I hate that feeling.

How can half a year go by without me having accomplished anything??? I'm going to die soon and I'm just wasting my life. I don't want to waste my life.