Dear Lord,
I wish my friends didn't get jealous of me and shut me out. I have nothing for them to be jealous over that they couldn't get for themselves. I travel for my job, I play on a kickball team, I meet new people, and I save my money for the things I want in life like trips overseas.
If they wanted a job that travels... apply for jobs that require traveling!
If they wanted to play on a sports team... go join meetup and play on a sports team!
If they wanted to meet new people... get out of the house!
And if they don't have money... learn to budget!!!
But when they ask what's up and I tell them, I have to either walk on eggshells or be told my thoughts and opinions and concerns aren't important enough to be listened to. I'm sick of it!
Get over yourselves!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Monday, December 23, 2013
Your Perfume Ranks Of Desperation
"A woman who chases after a man may as well be wearing a garlic necklace."
A quote from my father.
As any reader of this blog can tell, I love talking about guys. It's one of my favorite topics! But after this past weekend, it may be safe to say that I never want to talk about the subject again. I went to visit them for 4 days; and of the 96 hours we spent together, 90 were dedicated to discussing one particular guy.
All I can say is that my friend is delusional!!! Nothing else can explain their behavior. They've only been on a handful of dates and have completely ignored the facts:
A quote from my father.
As any reader of this blog can tell, I love talking about guys. It's one of my favorite topics! But after this past weekend, it may be safe to say that I never want to talk about the subject again. I went to visit them for 4 days; and of the 96 hours we spent together, 90 were dedicated to discussing one particular guy.
All I can say is that my friend is delusional!!! Nothing else can explain their behavior. They've only been on a handful of dates and have completely ignored the facts:
- There is no relationship other than them texting him and initiating dates
- He has blatantly stated he doesn't want a committed relationship
- They've already slept together after about three dates (prior to defining what their relationship actually is)
- They're afraid to introduce him to friends because he tends to flirt with others
- He's slept with their friend (and may be sleeping around with said friend, or others, still!)
Oh no, none of this is a red flag... they prefer to read into and/or make up reasons why they're "meant to be." And instead of being excited (as any rational person would be with a prospect on the horizon) and then moving on with life, they dwell on him and bring him up at every turn and talk about him as if they're a couple and make plans for the future that include him without even consulting him first AND WON'T SHUT UP!!!
Everything reverted back to said guy! EVERYTHING... and the worst part: they used their minimal experience to one up me. As if to say that sleeping around with guys (aka Walking Red Flags) is something to be proud of. As if to say that I am not as mature, grown up, or cool as they are because I have no interest in dating.
Talk about cutting to the quick. They bluntly asked me if it bothers me that I don't date. Fuck yes it bothers me... Why the hell would you even ask that question? But I'm soooooo sorry that I have no interest in meeting random guys that I am not attracted to or playing make believe with potentials I've only just met. Excuse me for having life goals (of which they have none), such as developing a meaningful career, traveling the world, experiencing new things like Hawaiian canoeing or crossfit or emergency rescue. Of course I want to find a wonderful guy who fits me like a glove, who loves the outdoors and dogs and being silly, who keeps faith with God and realizes that I'm a unique and wonderful person... But I haven't yet, and I'm okay with that. I don't need to throw myself at every loser like they do in order to feel fulfilled. Am I lonely at times? Yes, duh! Am I desperate? Hell no...
The only reason to ask such a paltry question is to rub it in my face - assuming you rank dating at the top of your priorities - and to appear superior to me. They're not. And turning the list of discoveries they've made about "guys" (read here: men as lame and desperate as they are who have no ambition and are often druggies) into some sort of know-it-all check list is SO exasperating. It makes me want to ring their necks and shake them until I bang some sort of common sense into their piddly little brain: Defining yourself by the man you date is a desperate act of low self-esteem.............
And the only solace I have is to know that as I enjoy my life, learning to live a healthy and exciting existence; I will eventually meet a guy that is not only perfect for me, but way better than any reprobate they'll scrape off the cesspool they insist on fishing in!!!!!
And unlike them... I have both patience AND class.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Things That Made Me Feel Happy Today...
...even though I have no one to share them with.
1) Getting out of work early
2) Eating healthy (ps. I'm paleo now, and loving it!)
3) Going to the gym
4) Having a cute guy at the gym run past me, tease me, and "chuck" me on the hip in encouragement
5) Finally getting my Double Unders under control!
6) Having the coaches make a big deal that I got my Double Unders!!
7) Awkwardly (and excitedly) explaining to the other cute guy at the gym that he was the reason I finally got my Double Unders (his rhythm is the same as mine apparently... woosh wooooosh)
8) Snow day tomorrow!!
I had a great day :)
1) Getting out of work early
2) Eating healthy (ps. I'm paleo now, and loving it!)
3) Going to the gym
4) Having a cute guy at the gym run past me, tease me, and "chuck" me on the hip in encouragement
5) Finally getting my Double Unders under control!
6) Having the coaches make a big deal that I got my Double Unders!!
7) Awkwardly (and excitedly) explaining to the other cute guy at the gym that he was the reason I finally got my Double Unders (his rhythm is the same as mine apparently... woosh wooooosh)
8) Snow day tomorrow!!
I had a great day :)
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Drums Keep Pounding a Rhythm to the Brain
I can feel my heart racing anxiously all the time. Anxious to be awake, anxious to get going, impatient to be waiting for whatever reason: people, traffic, plane rides. Ready to be doing. It thuds a worried rhythm, palpitates uncomfortably while I wait to do whatever it is I'm suppose to be doing. But what I know I'm suppose to be doing isn't what I want. Or, it is... but my entropic side can't settle long enough or agree upon doing it.
When did all of this start? This needing, or rather this inability to sit still? Coupled with my relative laziness, it's all I can do to let go of a persistent urging that has no direction.
If it were a desire to succeed, I'd know exactly how to be. Like my mentor, I'd live, breath, and likely die in my work. And that would be enough. That would be meaningful. If it were a passion, a novelty, a will to do one thing; I could easily focus my excess energy on that one thing. If it were a place or person and being in that state of mind were my only goal, I would not feel so restless.
My constant need to change and absorb and surpass drives me to avoid all sedentary pursuits. And at the same time, the lack of understanding, the unanswered question as to what or why leaves me at a loss. Watching TV is not what I want to do, but for a lack of aspiration or interest in anything else - paired heavily with the lack of any real necessity to think which is the only way to turn off my brain and thus stop in that moment - I indulge in the activity that most perpetuates the feeling.
I used to read. I used to enjoy the chance to escape, to learn, to explore the world beyond my door when in no other way could I have done so. Now, when I have come to fully understand what it is to "experience," I can no longer justify wasting the time to read. That is, unless it is the only other activity available to me.
I think, in that case, I could very easily be happy on a deserted island with an endless supply of books.
But why, when I know precisely what might alleviate the sedentary panic, do I not feel impressed to do it? As if I am depressed to the point of being bored by boredom itself and would rather become a vegetable than do anything that sounds even remotely boring or, contrarily, hard to do.
Where, indeed, has my ambition gone? What is my passion? And why has this passive abhorrence of passivity developed?
I hate going to see movies when three hours in a dark room with a group of friends could, these days, be called an "experience." It is not as great an experience as the one I could be having... though, that does not guarantee I would be having it, anyway.
That! illustrates my point most vividly. I am so caught up in what my experience could be, that I forget to experience what it is. And sometimes I am anxious that what it is, is far greater than what I am experiencing.
But this does not answer the why. Why have I grown into this ever fearful adult? As my mother says, I've never been this way -- though that is not strictly true.
My earliest fears have revolved around loss. Loss of friends, loss of family, loss of house and home, loss of life, and so on. I've been terrified of fires, of burglars, of unnecessary bodily harm. I've been afraid of abandonment and I've been afraid of being left out. Perhaps this is the stem of my fear of missing out on the present and future?
Though interestingly, I love change - insofar as I've come to associate change with experience and ultimately, status. Which brings me to another point not wholly unrelated. I worry too much about my status in the status quo. My insecurities (as are everyone's) are driving my stress. If I worried less about those Joneses, I'd probably worry less about wasting time. But, as it is, I haven't kept up as well as others my age.
Do I have a husband? A dog? A powerful job? Job security? Income? European vacations? Drunken one night stands? A career network? The right college degree? And, as an aside, who the hell decided we must past these milestones to become a full-fledged adult?! To be able to sit back, relax, and reflect on all of our achievements?!
If I weren't so fueled to reach the interminable goals of society, then would I wake up to a racing heart that says, "It's 6am, stop wasting the day!?"
When did all of this start? This needing, or rather this inability to sit still? Coupled with my relative laziness, it's all I can do to let go of a persistent urging that has no direction.
If it were a desire to succeed, I'd know exactly how to be. Like my mentor, I'd live, breath, and likely die in my work. And that would be enough. That would be meaningful. If it were a passion, a novelty, a will to do one thing; I could easily focus my excess energy on that one thing. If it were a place or person and being in that state of mind were my only goal, I would not feel so restless.
My constant need to change and absorb and surpass drives me to avoid all sedentary pursuits. And at the same time, the lack of understanding, the unanswered question as to what or why leaves me at a loss. Watching TV is not what I want to do, but for a lack of aspiration or interest in anything else - paired heavily with the lack of any real necessity to think which is the only way to turn off my brain and thus stop in that moment - I indulge in the activity that most perpetuates the feeling.
I used to read. I used to enjoy the chance to escape, to learn, to explore the world beyond my door when in no other way could I have done so. Now, when I have come to fully understand what it is to "experience," I can no longer justify wasting the time to read. That is, unless it is the only other activity available to me.
I think, in that case, I could very easily be happy on a deserted island with an endless supply of books.
But why, when I know precisely what might alleviate the sedentary panic, do I not feel impressed to do it? As if I am depressed to the point of being bored by boredom itself and would rather become a vegetable than do anything that sounds even remotely boring or, contrarily, hard to do.
Where, indeed, has my ambition gone? What is my passion? And why has this passive abhorrence of passivity developed?
I hate going to see movies when three hours in a dark room with a group of friends could, these days, be called an "experience." It is not as great an experience as the one I could be having... though, that does not guarantee I would be having it, anyway.
That! illustrates my point most vividly. I am so caught up in what my experience could be, that I forget to experience what it is. And sometimes I am anxious that what it is, is far greater than what I am experiencing.
But this does not answer the why. Why have I grown into this ever fearful adult? As my mother says, I've never been this way -- though that is not strictly true.
My earliest fears have revolved around loss. Loss of friends, loss of family, loss of house and home, loss of life, and so on. I've been terrified of fires, of burglars, of unnecessary bodily harm. I've been afraid of abandonment and I've been afraid of being left out. Perhaps this is the stem of my fear of missing out on the present and future?
Though interestingly, I love change - insofar as I've come to associate change with experience and ultimately, status. Which brings me to another point not wholly unrelated. I worry too much about my status in the status quo. My insecurities (as are everyone's) are driving my stress. If I worried less about those Joneses, I'd probably worry less about wasting time. But, as it is, I haven't kept up as well as others my age.
Do I have a husband? A dog? A powerful job? Job security? Income? European vacations? Drunken one night stands? A career network? The right college degree? And, as an aside, who the hell decided we must past these milestones to become a full-fledged adult?! To be able to sit back, relax, and reflect on all of our achievements?!
If I weren't so fueled to reach the interminable goals of society, then would I wake up to a racing heart that says, "It's 6am, stop wasting the day!?"
Airplane Shots - Take 1
Every date-like activity you go on will be a date-like activity until you tell me you've stopped liking her.
I can't stop thinking the wrong things, and I don't understand why you continue to encourage it.
I had a wonderful dream last night about the wrong man.
How can somebody have everything they could ever want and not have the one thing that everybody thinks they need?
I want to learn how to snowboard.
I wish I could volunteer for a living.
I don't want to be accountable, I just want to participate.
What if I stepped through the looking glass into the life I wanted... would I be happy?
I don't understand people who try to avoid the highs and low... that is what makes life worth living.
I love my dad in a way that I wish every little girl could experience... those without a dad must miss so much.
SHE... was the kid who ruined Santa Claus for everyone else.
I can't stop thinking the wrong things, and I don't understand why you continue to encourage it.
I had a wonderful dream last night about the wrong man.
How can somebody have everything they could ever want and not have the one thing that everybody thinks they need?
I want to learn how to snowboard.
I wish I could volunteer for a living.
I don't want to be accountable, I just want to participate.
What if I stepped through the looking glass into the life I wanted... would I be happy?
I don't understand people who try to avoid the highs and low... that is what makes life worth living.
I love my dad in a way that I wish every little girl could experience... those without a dad must miss so much.
SHE... was the kid who ruined Santa Claus for everyone else.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The sum of two parts...
Dear Lord,
I am so emotionally congested. There is so much going on inside my head, I can't process all of it. I want to tell someone how I feel, but no one wants to listen. I understand... it's not their fault. I wouldn't want to listen to me either (and I have to). Lord, please help me find someone who will listen to me and not judge me or interrupt or change the subject or ignore whatever I say. I need someone now, Lord. I never did before, but I do now. I can't keep bottling things up when they need to be expressed. I need someone to empathize with me. Someone I can share my excitement with, who won't be jealous. Someone I can share my fears with, who won't brush them off as irrational.
I wrote this when I was feeling particularly stuffed up:
I've tricked myself into believing I'm comforted by your voice
when it's only desperation confusing my only choice.
I spend too much time wishing and hoping that my life has become a string of dreams
rather than realities.
You don't love me more than you love you,
you don't know me enough to know I love you, too.
You don't listen when you hear me speak the truth and the truth of it is,
this is it.
I tell myself to get over what you do to me,
but I'm desperate and scared and lonely.
I think that sums it up...
I am so emotionally congested. There is so much going on inside my head, I can't process all of it. I want to tell someone how I feel, but no one wants to listen. I understand... it's not their fault. I wouldn't want to listen to me either (and I have to). Lord, please help me find someone who will listen to me and not judge me or interrupt or change the subject or ignore whatever I say. I need someone now, Lord. I never did before, but I do now. I can't keep bottling things up when they need to be expressed. I need someone to empathize with me. Someone I can share my excitement with, who won't be jealous. Someone I can share my fears with, who won't brush them off as irrational.
I wrote this when I was feeling particularly stuffed up:
I've tricked myself into believing I'm comforted by your voice
when it's only desperation confusing my only choice.
I spend too much time wishing and hoping that my life has become a string of dreams
rather than realities.
You don't love me more than you love you,
you don't know me enough to know I love you, too.
You don't listen when you hear me speak the truth and the truth of it is,
this is it.
I tell myself to get over what you do to me,
but I'm desperate and scared and lonely.
I think that sums it up...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Ruth
Dear Lord
It is rare, Lord, when I feel you answer a prayer so loudly, so directly. I know you're always listening, but sometimes (usually?) I'm not. This time, I read it! I am in awe.
I prayed about my worry over marriage which spawned from reading a wedding magazine. I prayed over my doubt that I'll ever be married. That I'll ever have kids. That I'll ever know love or be loved. Or, that maybe I was worried for superficial reasons that were undeserving of God's attention. I asked for a sign, for help, for proof that I'd be married and have a family one day...
And then...
You helped me find Ruth.
I flipped randomly to a page just about halfway into the Old Testament. I felt the page tug me, and I opened it to read Ruth - a short four chapters lost between Judges (21 chapters) and 1 Samuel (31 chapters). I had heard about her in passing, of course; but I am in awe, Lord, that you would choose tonight to let me get to know her.
Ruth was childless when she lost her husband. She was, presumably, older now. "Past her prime" even? And she ended up leaving everything she knew to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi. Why? It doesn't say. Because Naomi was pitiful and needed her? Maybe she was too heart broken to go home. Or, maybe she needed an adventure? Whatever the reason, she accepted Naomi's God as her own - You, Lord - rather than her continuing to believe in her home's gods. And she made the trip to foreign lands.
She was poor. She needed charity to eat. She dedicated herself to her work and a life of service to her mother-in-law, in the name of the Lord.
And you provided.
A man, Boaz, saw her in the fields gleaning grain behind the harvesters, and he fell in love with her. Not her beauty (was she beautiful? It never even specifies). He falls for her because of her dedication, loyalty to his kinswoman Naomi, and her effort to provide for herself and her mother-in-law. So he stepped in and provided for her.
And when, one day, she came to him in a pleasing and open, honest manner - that is, putting effort into her looks and presenting herself to Boaz in a particular fashion (which historically is considered how a woman shows she is in the right frame of mind and ready to invite a man's attention) - Boaz agreed to help her marry. To "redeem" her (another term used historically when talking about the purchase of land to relieve debt or when marrying a dead brother's barren wife so that she may not be destitute).
Only, Boaz was in love with her, wasn't he? He told her that he knew of closer kin to Naomi than he. That if he could not find another kinsman-redeemer that he would take on the duty himself. But when he asked her closer kin, Boaz addressed the issue in such a way as to catch him off guard. Almost as a trick. Boaz first asks the man, will you redeem Naomi's land? The man says yes. Only then does Boaz mention Ruth. Will you redeem Ruth as well, as she is attached to the land and it is your duty as the closest of her kin? And he does not.
It's not said why he doesn't, perhaps he didn't like her. Or the burden of caring for her was too much to bare. In any case, Boaz was free to marry Ruth. So he did, and together they gave birth to a son. A boy who would one day grandfather David. The David of the "Line of David" from which Jesus will be born.
.....I am in awe.
Out of everything I could have prayed, tonight. Out of everything I could have read, Lord. Of all the possible endings... to have so many impossible ends tied up into a single beautiful bow?? And what's more? I think I understand. Which rarely happens when I read the Bible.
No matter how hard or unlikely a situation: being a foreigner in a new land (Arizona!), being far from family (for two years!!), being poor and needing hand-outs (food stamps, anyone??), being unlucky in love (duh!), being past my prime (26?!?)... So long as I stay humble like Ruth and serve You and work hard and live with purpose and try my best to keep an open mind and be ready "to invite a man's attentions" (aka grow up and have confidence in myself); that the Lord will provide me with exactly the right man at exactly the right time.
And heck, Lord! If he likes me for me, feeds me, and happens to be rich (like Boaz); then that ain't bad either!
I don't need to worry about having it all right now, or even having it at all. Ruth was probably worried about the same thing, would she ever have kids? Meet a man to marry her in her situation and provide for her? Boaz had two other wives, too! But it wasn't until he found Ruth that they could (most likely) fulfill their destiny... continuing the line of David.
Please Lord, help me to be like Ruth - patient, diligent, humble, hard working - everything I'm not.
In Jesus name, Amen.
It is rare, Lord, when I feel you answer a prayer so loudly, so directly. I know you're always listening, but sometimes (usually?) I'm not. This time, I read it! I am in awe.
I prayed about my worry over marriage which spawned from reading a wedding magazine. I prayed over my doubt that I'll ever be married. That I'll ever have kids. That I'll ever know love or be loved. Or, that maybe I was worried for superficial reasons that were undeserving of God's attention. I asked for a sign, for help, for proof that I'd be married and have a family one day...
And then...
You helped me find Ruth.
I flipped randomly to a page just about halfway into the Old Testament. I felt the page tug me, and I opened it to read Ruth - a short four chapters lost between Judges (21 chapters) and 1 Samuel (31 chapters). I had heard about her in passing, of course; but I am in awe, Lord, that you would choose tonight to let me get to know her.
Ruth was childless when she lost her husband. She was, presumably, older now. "Past her prime" even? And she ended up leaving everything she knew to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi. Why? It doesn't say. Because Naomi was pitiful and needed her? Maybe she was too heart broken to go home. Or, maybe she needed an adventure? Whatever the reason, she accepted Naomi's God as her own - You, Lord - rather than her continuing to believe in her home's gods. And she made the trip to foreign lands.
She was poor. She needed charity to eat. She dedicated herself to her work and a life of service to her mother-in-law, in the name of the Lord.
And you provided.
A man, Boaz, saw her in the fields gleaning grain behind the harvesters, and he fell in love with her. Not her beauty (was she beautiful? It never even specifies). He falls for her because of her dedication, loyalty to his kinswoman Naomi, and her effort to provide for herself and her mother-in-law. So he stepped in and provided for her.
And when, one day, she came to him in a pleasing and open, honest manner - that is, putting effort into her looks and presenting herself to Boaz in a particular fashion (which historically is considered how a woman shows she is in the right frame of mind and ready to invite a man's attention) - Boaz agreed to help her marry. To "redeem" her (another term used historically when talking about the purchase of land to relieve debt or when marrying a dead brother's barren wife so that she may not be destitute).
Only, Boaz was in love with her, wasn't he? He told her that he knew of closer kin to Naomi than he. That if he could not find another kinsman-redeemer that he would take on the duty himself. But when he asked her closer kin, Boaz addressed the issue in such a way as to catch him off guard. Almost as a trick. Boaz first asks the man, will you redeem Naomi's land? The man says yes. Only then does Boaz mention Ruth. Will you redeem Ruth as well, as she is attached to the land and it is your duty as the closest of her kin? And he does not.
It's not said why he doesn't, perhaps he didn't like her. Or the burden of caring for her was too much to bare. In any case, Boaz was free to marry Ruth. So he did, and together they gave birth to a son. A boy who would one day grandfather David. The David of the "Line of David" from which Jesus will be born.
.....I am in awe.
Out of everything I could have prayed, tonight. Out of everything I could have read, Lord. Of all the possible endings... to have so many impossible ends tied up into a single beautiful bow?? And what's more? I think I understand. Which rarely happens when I read the Bible.
No matter how hard or unlikely a situation: being a foreigner in a new land (Arizona!), being far from family (for two years!!), being poor and needing hand-outs (food stamps, anyone??), being unlucky in love (duh!), being past my prime (26?!?)... So long as I stay humble like Ruth and serve You and work hard and live with purpose and try my best to keep an open mind and be ready "to invite a man's attentions" (aka grow up and have confidence in myself); that the Lord will provide me with exactly the right man at exactly the right time.
And heck, Lord! If he likes me for me, feeds me, and happens to be rich (like Boaz); then that ain't bad either!
I don't need to worry about having it all right now, or even having it at all. Ruth was probably worried about the same thing, would she ever have kids? Meet a man to marry her in her situation and provide for her? Boaz had two other wives, too! But it wasn't until he found Ruth that they could (most likely) fulfill their destiny... continuing the line of David.
Please Lord, help me to be like Ruth - patient, diligent, humble, hard working - everything I'm not.
In Jesus name, Amen.
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