Drums Keep Pounding a Rhythm to the Brain

I can feel my heart racing anxiously all the time. Anxious to be awake, anxious to get going, impatient to be waiting for whatever reason: people, traffic, plane rides. Ready to be doing. It thuds a worried rhythm, palpitates uncomfortably while I wait to do whatever it is I'm suppose to be doing. But what I know I'm suppose to be doing isn't what I want. Or, it is... but my entropic side can't settle long enough or agree upon doing it.

When did all of this start? This needing, or rather this inability to sit still? Coupled with my relative laziness, it's all I can do to let go of a persistent urging that has no direction.

If it were a desire to succeed, I'd know exactly how to be. Like my mentor, I'd live, breath, and likely die in my work. And that would be enough. That would be meaningful. If it were a passion, a novelty, a will to do one thing; I could easily focus my excess energy on that one thing. If it were a place or person and being in that state of mind were my only goal, I would not feel so restless.

My constant need to change and absorb and surpass drives me to avoid all sedentary pursuits. And at the same time, the lack of understanding, the unanswered question as to what or why leaves me at a loss. Watching TV is not what I want to do, but for a lack of aspiration or interest in anything else - paired heavily with the lack of any real necessity to think which is the only way to turn off my brain and thus stop in that moment - I indulge in the activity that most perpetuates the feeling.

I used to read. I used to enjoy the chance to escape, to learn, to explore the world beyond my door when in no other way could I have done so. Now, when I have come to fully understand what it is to "experience," I can no longer justify wasting the time to read. That is, unless it is the only other activity available to me.

I think, in that case, I could very easily be happy on a deserted island with an endless supply of books.

But why, when I know precisely what might alleviate the sedentary panic, do I not feel impressed to do it? As if I am depressed to the point of being bored by boredom itself and would rather become a vegetable than do anything that sounds even remotely boring or, contrarily, hard to do.

Where, indeed, has my ambition gone? What is my passion? And why has this passive abhorrence of passivity developed?

I hate going to see movies when three hours in a dark room with a group of friends could, these days, be called an "experience." It is not as great an experience as the one I could be having... though, that does not guarantee I would be having it, anyway.

That! illustrates my point most vividly. I am so caught up in what my experience could be, that I forget to experience what it is. And sometimes I am anxious that what it is, is far greater than what I am experiencing.

But this does not answer the why. Why have I grown into this ever fearful adult? As my mother says, I've never been this way -- though that is not strictly true.

My earliest fears have revolved around loss. Loss of friends, loss of family, loss of house and home, loss of life, and so on. I've been terrified of fires, of burglars, of unnecessary bodily harm. I've been afraid of abandonment and I've been afraid of being left out. Perhaps this is the stem of my fear of missing out on the present and future?

Though interestingly, I love change - insofar as I've come to associate change with experience and ultimately, status. Which brings me to another point not wholly unrelated. I worry too much about my status in the status quo. My insecurities (as are everyone's) are driving my stress. If I worried less about those Joneses, I'd probably worry less about wasting time. But, as it is, I haven't kept up as well as others my age.

Do I have a husband? A dog? A powerful job? Job security? Income? European vacations? Drunken one night stands? A career network? The right college degree? And, as an aside, who the hell decided we must past these milestones to become a full-fledged adult?! To be able to sit back, relax, and reflect on all of our achievements?!

If I weren't so fueled to reach the interminable goals of society, then would I wake up to a racing heart that says, "It's 6am, stop wasting the day!?"

Airplane Shots - Take 1

Every date-like activity you go on will be a date-like activity until you tell me you've stopped liking her.

I can't stop thinking the wrong things, and I don't understand why you continue to encourage it.

I had a wonderful dream last night about the wrong man.

How can somebody have everything they could ever want and not have the one thing that everybody thinks they need?

I want to learn how to snowboard.

I wish I could volunteer for a living.

I don't want to be accountable, I just want to participate.

What if I stepped through the looking glass into the life I wanted... would I be happy?

I don't understand people who try to avoid the highs and low... that is what makes life worth living.

I love my dad in a way that I wish every little girl could experience... those without a dad must miss so much.

SHE... was the kid who ruined Santa Claus for everyone else.

The sum of two parts...

Dear Lord,

I am so emotionally congested. There is so much going on inside my head, I can't process all of it. I want to tell someone how I feel, but no one wants to listen. I understand... it's not their fault. I wouldn't want to listen to me either (and I have to). Lord, please help me find someone who will listen to me and not judge me or interrupt or change the subject or ignore whatever I say. I need someone now, Lord. I never did before, but I do now. I can't keep bottling things up when they need to be expressed. I need someone to empathize with me. Someone I can share my excitement with, who won't be jealous. Someone I can share my fears with, who won't brush them off as irrational.

I wrote this when I was feeling particularly stuffed up: 

I've tricked myself into believing I'm comforted by your voice
when it's only desperation confusing my only choice.
I spend too much time wishing and hoping that my life has become a string of dreams
rather than realities.
You don't love me more than you love you,
you don't know me enough to know I love you, too.
You don't listen when you hear me speak the truth and the truth of it is,
this is it.
I tell myself to get over what you do to me,
but I'm desperate and scared and lonely.

I think that sums it up...

Ruth

Dear Lord

It is rare, Lord, when I feel you answer a prayer so loudly, so directly. I know you're always listening, but sometimes (usually?) I'm not. This time, I read it! I am in awe.

I prayed about my worry over marriage which spawned from reading a wedding magazine. I prayed over my doubt that I'll ever be married. That I'll ever have kids. That I'll ever know love or be loved. Or, that maybe I was worried for superficial reasons that were undeserving of God's attention. I asked for a sign, for help, for proof that I'd be married and have a family one day...

And then...

You helped me find Ruth.

I flipped randomly to a page just about halfway into the Old Testament. I felt the page tug me, and I opened it to read Ruth - a short four chapters lost between Judges (21 chapters) and 1 Samuel (31 chapters). I had heard about her in passing, of course; but I am in awe, Lord, that you would choose tonight to let me get to know her.

Ruth was childless when she lost her husband. She was, presumably, older now. "Past her prime" even? And she ended up leaving everything she knew to follow her mother-in-law, Naomi. Why? It doesn't say. Because Naomi was pitiful and needed her? Maybe she was too heart broken to go home. Or, maybe she needed an adventure? Whatever the reason, she accepted Naomi's God as her own - You, Lord - rather than her continuing to believe in her home's gods. And she made the trip to foreign lands.

She was poor. She needed charity to eat. She dedicated herself to her work and a life of service to her mother-in-law, in the name of the Lord.

And you provided.

A man, Boaz, saw her in the fields gleaning grain behind the harvesters, and he fell in love with her. Not her beauty (was she beautiful? It never even specifies). He falls for her because of her dedication, loyalty to his kinswoman Naomi, and her effort to provide for herself and her mother-in-law. So he stepped in and provided for her.

And when, one day, she came to him in a pleasing and open, honest manner - that is, putting effort into her looks and presenting herself to Boaz in a particular fashion (which historically is considered how a woman shows she is in the right frame of mind and ready to invite a man's attention) - Boaz agreed to help her marry. To "redeem" her (another term used historically when talking about the purchase of land to relieve debt or when marrying a dead brother's barren wife so that she may not be destitute).

Only, Boaz was in love with her, wasn't he? He told her that he knew of closer kin to Naomi than he. That if he could not find another kinsman-redeemer that he would take on the duty himself. But when he asked her closer kin, Boaz addressed the issue in such a way as to catch him off guard. Almost as a trick. Boaz first asks the man, will you redeem Naomi's land? The man says yes. Only then does Boaz mention Ruth. Will you redeem Ruth as well, as she is attached to the land and it is your duty as the closest of her kin? And he does not.

It's not said why he doesn't, perhaps he didn't like her. Or the burden of caring for her was too much to bare. In any case, Boaz was free to marry Ruth. So he did, and together they gave birth to a son. A boy who would one day grandfather David. The David of the "Line of David" from which Jesus will be born. 

.....I am in awe.

Out of everything I could have prayed, tonight. Out of everything I could have read, Lord. Of all the possible endings... to have so many impossible ends tied up into a single beautiful bow?? And what's more? I think I understand. Which rarely happens when I read the Bible.

No matter how hard or unlikely a situation: being a foreigner in a new land (Arizona!), being far from family (for two years!!), being poor and needing hand-outs (food stamps, anyone??), being unlucky in love (duh!), being past my prime (26?!?)... So long as I stay humble like Ruth and serve You and work hard and live with purpose and try my best to keep an open mind and be ready "to invite a man's attentions" (aka grow up and have confidence in myself); that the Lord will provide me with exactly the right man at exactly the right time.

And heck, Lord! If he likes me for me, feeds me, and happens to be rich (like Boaz); then that ain't bad either!

I don't need to worry about having it all right now, or even having it at all. Ruth was probably worried about the same thing, would she ever have kids? Meet a man to marry her in her situation and provide for her? Boaz had two other wives, too! But it wasn't until he found Ruth that they could (most likely) fulfill their destiny... continuing the line of David.

Please Lord, help me to be like Ruth - patient, diligent, humble, hard working - everything I'm not.

In Jesus name, Amen.