I thought it necessary to close out 2010 with a post before I head to a pool bar with my friend! Woot woot!
Well, last year I thought this would be the year for me and it was... I got a job that I love doing and could only be happier if it were closer to home. I stuck to my running regime (for the most part) and lost... drum roll please!!
22.25 pounds!
AND
19.5 inches total!
So what's my New Year's Res for 2011?? Well for one, keep it up!!
I plan to buy another calendar (half price!!) and to continue tracking my running/workouts. I'm going to run the Phoenix 1/2 even if it kills me (which so far may just happen). And I'm going to get back into the swing of things by nixing excess sugar, up the veggies, cook healthier food, etc etc...
But will it be my year again? No. I don't think so. I have a feeling this will be the year I explode. No, not literally... but something sometime is going to just explode. I'll break through some barrier or make some kind of move or improvement or I'm not really sure what. But I can see it in my mind's eye. An image of the year as a flat winding path swirling off into the distance - like the spaces on a game of Candy Land or Jumanji - and circling back on itself to represent a complete year, a full rotation.
And on the spaces that represent the distant but not too distant months... May? June? July? I see a massive dark lightning cloud, sort of see through like smoke or mist or fog. It symbolizes some kind of turmoil but good or bad? I don't know. Frankly, I don't think good or bad, just a time of change. It's going to last about a month and then I'll bust through the fog and see things or do things clearly.
Whatever it is, it will be a change up from my usual routine.
That is what I feel about 2011. Where last year I felt pinky-silver sparkles, this year I feel flashy black/purple smokey powder. Weird... I know. Whatever...
My real New Year's Resolution? Sorry... gotta wait for the new year :P
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Christmas Wish
Dear Lord
Happy Birthday. Although it probably isn't your true day of birth, I guess it doesn't really matter when that was, so long as the message gets across. And I know as a custom that it's the birthday boy's day to make the wishes and ask for presents, but I have one Christmas wish of my own to make that I really really really want to be granted.
Please Lord, please help my sister. I don't want her wasting her life with her husband. I realize I'm basically hoping she gets a divorce, and it's not that I want that, but if that's the only way the situation can be fixed... please make them get divorced.
Now, like all wishes, one has got to be specific lest the wish is taken too literally or whatnot and results in a worse situation than what one has started with. So... here is my lengthy and detailed wish to be sure I get this right:
Please Lord, make her husband realize the error of his ways in a not so subtle way. Perhaps he will have a horrible boss who treats him the same way he treats my sister. Perhaps my father will have heard the last straw and come to beat him up. Perhaps my sister will put her foot down and walk out on him... (one can always hope). In any case, let nothing happen to my sister (ie... devastating disease, coma, death, etc) and let nothing that happens to her husband be taken out on her (ie... he starts beating her or whatnot).
Next, he will change his behavior permanently. He will get off his fat ass and make his own damn plate for dinner... hell, he will COOK dinner for her on occasion. He won't ask her to feed him while he sits on the couch, he won't ask her to get up and get him another glass of water during a movie, he won't mention aloud that the dog needs to go outside before heading to the bedroom while expecting her to let him out (ESPECIALLY IF IT'S RAINING!!), he won't pout about the fact he can't see the movie he wants and make her feel bad about him being "left out" so that she can't enjoy the rest of her night, he won't boss her around, complain that she's being negative when really she's just being sarcastic and funny, he won't complain about anything really, he'll offer suggestions on things to do like playing tennis or just going for a walk instead of sitting on his rear end and getting fatter by the minute (see sidebar). And most especially, he will value her at every moment of the day. He'll always put her concerns first and never take advantage of her eagerness to please. He'll be less selfish and every time he feels the need to point a finger... he'll point it at himself... FIRST AND FOREMOST.
OR
He will lose her. She'll finally realize that he doesn't deserve her. She'll walk out and never look back. She won't be spineless and take his bullshit. She'll strike out on her own, knowing she has me always and Mom and Dad and even our flaky aunt. And then she'll have Mark. Who (as far as I know), has always loved her. Has a bit of a reckless side and enjoys having fun. Who is committed to serving You and would (as far as I know) live as he is commanded to: "...let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33
How else is she suppose to respect her husband if he can't respect her? And although divorce is probably not what the Bible tells us to do... I would rather she get a divorce than deal with him for the rest of her life if he doesn't shape up.
He reminds me of my grandfather, but even he had his chores. And I am more apt to forgive him since he was raised to be the "provider" and my grandmother was raise to be the "homemaker." And frankly, I'm fine with those gender roles if that is how it is going to be. If my sister's husband went to work and provided for them; and my sister stayed home and did the laundry and made dinner and raised the kids (thank You there are no kids added to this equation). Then all would be fine (albeit mind numbing). But it's not like that (and I suppose we have the women's rights movement to thank for that). My sister works 65 hour weeks, 12 hour days and occasional weekends. They chose to live in California, probably the most expensive place in the US. They have two dogs to care for and hardly spend enough time together.
Rather than taking it in stride, he makes her wait on him, hand and foot. He's never satisfied, rarely thankful, and always a baby. He degrades her and she is either powerless to do anything about it or has been so brainwashed she feels it's within his rights to behave that way!!
Sidebar: Is this because of the idiotic belief that women of a certain age ought to be married? And my sister feels like this is her lot in life and/or chose it because she thought she needed to marry so early without finding the right guy???
One would think that with the women's rights movement not only would societies ideas about feminine abilities and gender roles change, but also expectations as well. But no! Although, women can now vote, own property, inherit wealth, and work in any profession they deem of interest; they are still expected to marry and produce children or else be judged a spinster - something to be looked down upon or pitied. On top of that, there is an exceptional pressure for women to look a certain way.
That way being what ever is en vogue for the time period. Most recently slender to the point of appearing anorexic (although thankfully this trend seems to be going out of style in favor of flat chests and wide hips. And what the hell is with the "mormon look" anyway?? Yea, get ready for button ups and straight cuts because I foresee an ugly epidemic... unless of course Natalie Portman's ballerina blockbuster brings back the gawky long necked coat hanger look... one may never know)...
And I feel as if men don't have to deal with this... I for one prefer a guy with meat on his bones. Being that I am overweight and have been morbidly obese in the past, I do enjoy feeling petite. If I can squash the guy with my bare hands, I don't even want to imagine what I'd do in the throws of a passionate tryst (sorry for that image people). Besides that, I don't see weight. I see personality and possibly hygiene/nice teeth (that whole "gift horse" is extremely accurate... a leading cause of heart disease is poor dental health). I don't really notice rippling muscles or washboard abs, and while guys who look like that can be entertaining they are also intimidating, shallow, and self absorbed.
Even though a girl (I am generalizing but I am a girl so I can do that) could care less about appearance, guys seem to require perfection. My point being that my sister is under a lot of pressure. She doesn't need to be getting it from her husband who is hypocritically the size of a whale! And yes, that was an exaggeration and no, he wasn't always like that. But I have the right to say it as I've been in his position and it was awful.
I know what it's like to wake up and feel old, to get to the top of the stairs and be out of breath, to find it difficult to get off the couch or motivate yourself to do anything other than watch TV. It isn't fun. It's no way to live your life. So I have the right to call him out on it (even if it is only in my head).
So, back to my original point. Please Lord, make my sister grow a spine and demand to be treated better, give her the power to walk out on her husband and be with someone 10x better, make her husband grow a pair and lose weight and participate in the marriage or make him sorry he didn't bother to shape up!!
Please Lord, I just want her to live a happy and fulfilled life.
Happy Birthday. Although it probably isn't your true day of birth, I guess it doesn't really matter when that was, so long as the message gets across. And I know as a custom that it's the birthday boy's day to make the wishes and ask for presents, but I have one Christmas wish of my own to make that I really really really want to be granted.
Please Lord, please help my sister. I don't want her wasting her life with her husband. I realize I'm basically hoping she gets a divorce, and it's not that I want that, but if that's the only way the situation can be fixed... please make them get divorced.
Now, like all wishes, one has got to be specific lest the wish is taken too literally or whatnot and results in a worse situation than what one has started with. So... here is my lengthy and detailed wish to be sure I get this right:
Please Lord, make her husband realize the error of his ways in a not so subtle way. Perhaps he will have a horrible boss who treats him the same way he treats my sister. Perhaps my father will have heard the last straw and come to beat him up. Perhaps my sister will put her foot down and walk out on him... (one can always hope). In any case, let nothing happen to my sister (ie... devastating disease, coma, death, etc) and let nothing that happens to her husband be taken out on her (ie... he starts beating her or whatnot).
Next, he will change his behavior permanently. He will get off his fat ass and make his own damn plate for dinner... hell, he will COOK dinner for her on occasion. He won't ask her to feed him while he sits on the couch, he won't ask her to get up and get him another glass of water during a movie, he won't mention aloud that the dog needs to go outside before heading to the bedroom while expecting her to let him out (ESPECIALLY IF IT'S RAINING!!), he won't pout about the fact he can't see the movie he wants and make her feel bad about him being "left out" so that she can't enjoy the rest of her night, he won't boss her around, complain that she's being negative when really she's just being sarcastic and funny, he won't complain about anything really, he'll offer suggestions on things to do like playing tennis or just going for a walk instead of sitting on his rear end and getting fatter by the minute (see sidebar). And most especially, he will value her at every moment of the day. He'll always put her concerns first and never take advantage of her eagerness to please. He'll be less selfish and every time he feels the need to point a finger... he'll point it at himself... FIRST AND FOREMOST.
OR
He will lose her. She'll finally realize that he doesn't deserve her. She'll walk out and never look back. She won't be spineless and take his bullshit. She'll strike out on her own, knowing she has me always and Mom and Dad and even our flaky aunt. And then she'll have Mark. Who (as far as I know), has always loved her. Has a bit of a reckless side and enjoys having fun. Who is committed to serving You and would (as far as I know) live as he is commanded to: "...let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33
How else is she suppose to respect her husband if he can't respect her? And although divorce is probably not what the Bible tells us to do... I would rather she get a divorce than deal with him for the rest of her life if he doesn't shape up.
He reminds me of my grandfather, but even he had his chores. And I am more apt to forgive him since he was raised to be the "provider" and my grandmother was raise to be the "homemaker." And frankly, I'm fine with those gender roles if that is how it is going to be. If my sister's husband went to work and provided for them; and my sister stayed home and did the laundry and made dinner and raised the kids (thank You there are no kids added to this equation). Then all would be fine (albeit mind numbing). But it's not like that (and I suppose we have the women's rights movement to thank for that). My sister works 65 hour weeks, 12 hour days and occasional weekends. They chose to live in California, probably the most expensive place in the US. They have two dogs to care for and hardly spend enough time together.
Rather than taking it in stride, he makes her wait on him, hand and foot. He's never satisfied, rarely thankful, and always a baby. He degrades her and she is either powerless to do anything about it or has been so brainwashed she feels it's within his rights to behave that way!!
Sidebar: Is this because of the idiotic belief that women of a certain age ought to be married? And my sister feels like this is her lot in life and/or chose it because she thought she needed to marry so early without finding the right guy???
One would think that with the women's rights movement not only would societies ideas about feminine abilities and gender roles change, but also expectations as well. But no! Although, women can now vote, own property, inherit wealth, and work in any profession they deem of interest; they are still expected to marry and produce children or else be judged a spinster - something to be looked down upon or pitied. On top of that, there is an exceptional pressure for women to look a certain way.
That way being what ever is en vogue for the time period. Most recently slender to the point of appearing anorexic (although thankfully this trend seems to be going out of style in favor of flat chests and wide hips. And what the hell is with the "mormon look" anyway?? Yea, get ready for button ups and straight cuts because I foresee an ugly epidemic... unless of course Natalie Portman's ballerina blockbuster brings back the gawky long necked coat hanger look... one may never know)...
And I feel as if men don't have to deal with this... I for one prefer a guy with meat on his bones. Being that I am overweight and have been morbidly obese in the past, I do enjoy feeling petite. If I can squash the guy with my bare hands, I don't even want to imagine what I'd do in the throws of a passionate tryst (sorry for that image people). Besides that, I don't see weight. I see personality and possibly hygiene/nice teeth (that whole "gift horse" is extremely accurate... a leading cause of heart disease is poor dental health). I don't really notice rippling muscles or washboard abs, and while guys who look like that can be entertaining they are also intimidating, shallow, and self absorbed.
Even though a girl (I am generalizing but I am a girl so I can do that) could care less about appearance, guys seem to require perfection. My point being that my sister is under a lot of pressure. She doesn't need to be getting it from her husband who is hypocritically the size of a whale! And yes, that was an exaggeration and no, he wasn't always like that. But I have the right to say it as I've been in his position and it was awful.
I know what it's like to wake up and feel old, to get to the top of the stairs and be out of breath, to find it difficult to get off the couch or motivate yourself to do anything other than watch TV. It isn't fun. It's no way to live your life. So I have the right to call him out on it (even if it is only in my head).
So, back to my original point. Please Lord, make my sister grow a spine and demand to be treated better, give her the power to walk out on her husband and be with someone 10x better, make her husband grow a pair and lose weight and participate in the marriage or make him sorry he didn't bother to shape up!!
Please Lord, I just want her to live a happy and fulfilled life.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
It's all just a way....
I was watching Bones and the story centered on Brennan not being able to distance herself from a case that seemed similar to her life. They mention that the brain takes 3 days to adapt, that the world when seen through reflective glasses will appear upside down for three days until the brain adjusts and vice versa when you take them off again. And in the end, the night watchman says, "I got my own story, just like you, just like everyone. I've got my own sad story."
And that got me thinking, I don't want a sad story. I don't want to have regrets.
So, I am a self professed great advice giver. But who listens to me? No one. And I understand the value in making your own mistakes - lessons really sink in that way. It's true, but when the situation results in months of agony, bitterness, and/or brokenheartedness, why not just take the advice and avoid all the mess? I don't understand what drives people to do things that can only turn out bad. Especially if they know it will. Especially if someone can see it happening and warns them about it.
I've always been reserved, conservative, a goody two shoes. Afraid to get drunk, afraid to lose control and trust others to make sure I'm okay. But I'm not afraid to try new things. I'm very adventurous. I love randomness and being happy and living life to the fullest. I'd be the first in line to jump out of an airplane or sing karaoke... even if I'm terrified to actually do it, I'd still be willing to try.
All in all, I think I'm qualified to add perspective. What I mean is, just because I don't slut around or drink or smoke or swear or have other vices that in my opinion are only a crutch for deeper and more personal issues... I can still be a voice of reason and comprehend the bigger picture.
And that's another thing. In a movie I watched recently, the main character finds out all these lies about people she thought she knew and when confronted with "Stop being so rational and tell me how you feel!" she replies "I feel lied to and I feel dirty..."
That's how I feel, a lot of the time. I feel dirty when I have to hear about these things that people are doing to themselves. Allowing people to walk all over them, allowing their insecurities to rule their life, allowing others to influence their opinions and behavior. They aren't gaining experience... that's not what being an adult is. So why do others feel the need to mark these mile stones... and worse, brag about them as if that would make them more popular? (Which is a whole other question: why be popular? that I may delve into sooner or later.)
I'm afraid of chaos and losing control, but most of all I'm afraid of people. They can be cruel and mean and deluded and jaded and begrudging and weak. And I'm not saying that I'm not either.
I frequently have a short temper, I can't tolerate other people's idiosyncrasies, I'm impatient and stubborn... and I have high standards. I have standards for others as well as myself, and I try very hard to live by those standards. When others fall short, I'm disappointed and annoyed.
So, I'm not perfect and I understand that no one is... but in situations where you can only see one side of an issue and someone with a perspective outside the situation, capable of seeing all sides, offers you advice... WHY NOT TAKE IT?
I don't want to pass up living life because I'm caught up in a personal drama. I try my best to see all sides of any problem and work through issues quickly. I like to be positive and I am comforted by my faith...
I don't want to have a sad story when I'm old and gray. I want to have lived a meaningful life where I was able to laugh at all the embarrassing moments, I was able to learn from all the mistakes, and I was able to adapt in as short a time as possible.
And that got me thinking, I don't want a sad story. I don't want to have regrets.
So, I am a self professed great advice giver. But who listens to me? No one. And I understand the value in making your own mistakes - lessons really sink in that way. It's true, but when the situation results in months of agony, bitterness, and/or brokenheartedness, why not just take the advice and avoid all the mess? I don't understand what drives people to do things that can only turn out bad. Especially if they know it will. Especially if someone can see it happening and warns them about it.
I've always been reserved, conservative, a goody two shoes. Afraid to get drunk, afraid to lose control and trust others to make sure I'm okay. But I'm not afraid to try new things. I'm very adventurous. I love randomness and being happy and living life to the fullest. I'd be the first in line to jump out of an airplane or sing karaoke... even if I'm terrified to actually do it, I'd still be willing to try.
All in all, I think I'm qualified to add perspective. What I mean is, just because I don't slut around or drink or smoke or swear or have other vices that in my opinion are only a crutch for deeper and more personal issues... I can still be a voice of reason and comprehend the bigger picture.
And that's another thing. In a movie I watched recently, the main character finds out all these lies about people she thought she knew and when confronted with "Stop being so rational and tell me how you feel!" she replies "I feel lied to and I feel dirty..."
That's how I feel, a lot of the time. I feel dirty when I have to hear about these things that people are doing to themselves. Allowing people to walk all over them, allowing their insecurities to rule their life, allowing others to influence their opinions and behavior. They aren't gaining experience... that's not what being an adult is. So why do others feel the need to mark these mile stones... and worse, brag about them as if that would make them more popular? (Which is a whole other question: why be popular? that I may delve into sooner or later.)
I'm afraid of chaos and losing control, but most of all I'm afraid of people. They can be cruel and mean and deluded and jaded and begrudging and weak. And I'm not saying that I'm not either.
I frequently have a short temper, I can't tolerate other people's idiosyncrasies, I'm impatient and stubborn... and I have high standards. I have standards for others as well as myself, and I try very hard to live by those standards. When others fall short, I'm disappointed and annoyed.
So, I'm not perfect and I understand that no one is... but in situations where you can only see one side of an issue and someone with a perspective outside the situation, capable of seeing all sides, offers you advice... WHY NOT TAKE IT?
I don't want to pass up living life because I'm caught up in a personal drama. I try my best to see all sides of any problem and work through issues quickly. I like to be positive and I am comforted by my faith...
I don't want to have a sad story when I'm old and gray. I want to have lived a meaningful life where I was able to laugh at all the embarrassing moments, I was able to learn from all the mistakes, and I was able to adapt in as short a time as possible.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Tis the Season... an update!
So I've decorated and redecorated my miniature tree, the presents are bought and mostly wrapped, the countdown is counting, and I'm ready for a vaca... but there's no snow and I miss my family.
I do however get to see my sister this Christmas, which is a consolation, don't get me wrong! And I've never enjoyed being nagged by my mother or having to deal with the rest of the family while having to be cheery. So really, I'm not missing much.
But I am missing the atmosphere, the fire, the sounds of football and the smell of ham or turkey or some stew or other in the kitchen. I'm missing the colors; how the night sky is lit up with the reflection of twinkle lights and the moon, so bright it's nearly daylight. How I could go outside and play with my dog until both of our hair is matted with snow... red cheeked and frozen eared. And that feeling of thawing out, when your legs are ice cold and a hot bath makes your skin sting.
I miss wearing sweatshirts and jackets and scarves. I miss snuggling up to watch old time movies like Rudolph and White Christmas with my grandparents, who know stories about all the actors.
I miss sledding. I miss the smell of the space heater in the garage while my dad works on some project. I miss my mom singing along to Christmas CDs as she gets ready to go out to dinner, inserting crude lyrics every chance she gets. I miss being alone but not really alone. I miss blizzards and Egg Nog and skating and skiing and pine trees and Gram's fudge and road slush and roasted carrots and icicles and the sound of the tree clucking Jingle Bells at 6:30 when the timer turns on.
It just isn't Christmas here. Even with my demented little pink tree; and its creepy purple lights, white/silver ornaments, turquoise garland and origami foil star... haha
But I do have presents! I spent all day wrapping them. And sadly most of them are for me :) I used my birthday gift cards to buy myself xmas presents... and it works. If I don't pay much attention to what I'm wrapping, by the time Christmas rolls around, I've forgotten what I got myself and it's just like a surprise!
This morning I woke up to the sound of people talking below me. It felt like I was back home, waking up to the sound of mom and dad in the kitchen. But then I remembered I was here and went back to bed.
I've been so tired lately too. This week was torturous... I got snapped at by my boss via email (she's such a jerk), but then got to meet the director of the program I'm raising money for. We jumped from a $10 million goal, to $50 million!! But he was amazing and had some wonderful stories. I wish I could have followed him back to Hawaii just to hear more... and to learn some Hawaiian martial arts!
And now it's the weekend and I just need a breather but I can't seem to get comfortable. My lower back hurts and stupid me, I decided running nearly 8 miles yesterday would be a good thing. HA! I barely made it and now my legs are sore and my back hurts 10x worse. I'm old and fat... blech!
But hey... at least I made it that far. I need to tack on 5.5 more miles over the next 5 weeks... that's doable right? A little more than 1 mile extra per week until the half marathon on Jan 16. I can do it!! I just need to focus...
What I really need is the little red man with the button that will make me explode if I don't keep it up [that was a reference to a joke only my sister would understand hehe].
1.5 weeks til VACA!!
And tomorrow I'm going to drop in to beginning lindy hop...
Tango on Monday...
...and then??? WHO KNOWS!
But oooo good song! Corazon Sin Cara by Prince Royce... listen to it!
I do however get to see my sister this Christmas, which is a consolation, don't get me wrong! And I've never enjoyed being nagged by my mother or having to deal with the rest of the family while having to be cheery. So really, I'm not missing much.
But I am missing the atmosphere, the fire, the sounds of football and the smell of ham or turkey or some stew or other in the kitchen. I'm missing the colors; how the night sky is lit up with the reflection of twinkle lights and the moon, so bright it's nearly daylight. How I could go outside and play with my dog until both of our hair is matted with snow... red cheeked and frozen eared. And that feeling of thawing out, when your legs are ice cold and a hot bath makes your skin sting.
I miss wearing sweatshirts and jackets and scarves. I miss snuggling up to watch old time movies like Rudolph and White Christmas with my grandparents, who know stories about all the actors.
I miss sledding. I miss the smell of the space heater in the garage while my dad works on some project. I miss my mom singing along to Christmas CDs as she gets ready to go out to dinner, inserting crude lyrics every chance she gets. I miss being alone but not really alone. I miss blizzards and Egg Nog and skating and skiing and pine trees and Gram's fudge and road slush and roasted carrots and icicles and the sound of the tree clucking Jingle Bells at 6:30 when the timer turns on.
It just isn't Christmas here. Even with my demented little pink tree; and its creepy purple lights, white/silver ornaments, turquoise garland and origami foil star... haha
But I do have presents! I spent all day wrapping them. And sadly most of them are for me :) I used my birthday gift cards to buy myself xmas presents... and it works. If I don't pay much attention to what I'm wrapping, by the time Christmas rolls around, I've forgotten what I got myself and it's just like a surprise!
This morning I woke up to the sound of people talking below me. It felt like I was back home, waking up to the sound of mom and dad in the kitchen. But then I remembered I was here and went back to bed.
I've been so tired lately too. This week was torturous... I got snapped at by my boss via email (she's such a jerk), but then got to meet the director of the program I'm raising money for. We jumped from a $10 million goal, to $50 million!! But he was amazing and had some wonderful stories. I wish I could have followed him back to Hawaii just to hear more... and to learn some Hawaiian martial arts!
And now it's the weekend and I just need a breather but I can't seem to get comfortable. My lower back hurts and stupid me, I decided running nearly 8 miles yesterday would be a good thing. HA! I barely made it and now my legs are sore and my back hurts 10x worse. I'm old and fat... blech!
But hey... at least I made it that far. I need to tack on 5.5 more miles over the next 5 weeks... that's doable right? A little more than 1 mile extra per week until the half marathon on Jan 16. I can do it!! I just need to focus...
What I really need is the little red man with the button that will make me explode if I don't keep it up [that was a reference to a joke only my sister would understand hehe].
1.5 weeks til VACA!!
And tomorrow I'm going to drop in to beginning lindy hop...
Tango on Monday...
...and then??? WHO KNOWS!
But oooo good song! Corazon Sin Cara by Prince Royce... listen to it!
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