Oh no!

So at work today this girl came in to get a gift card, and I tried ringing her up but the system wouldn't process the card. I tried using 2 different gift cards, 5 times in a row trying to get it to work. I even called my manager over and she tried. I suggested we try using a merchandise card (which is similar but different), but there was no option to ring up a merch card. We apologized for the system being retarded and told her she could get a gift card online, that it would work the same way.

Well when she left the store I wanted to see if I could ring a gift card but swipe a merch card to process, but its card number wasn't valid. So then for kicks I tested the gift card to see if the system would work now that the customer had left the store.... and it did! But obviously, in order to test the system I had to ring up the gift card. Once processed, I couldn't void the transaction. The computer froze on the gift card screen and only gave me one option: F1 Retry. This meant retry voiding the process. Which was INVALID and brought me back to the F1 option (a cycle, you see).

I told my manager who rebooted the computer like it was no big deal, thus voiding the transaction (since no money had exchanged hands)... but I had a niggling feeling that it didn't void the gift card which had already been processed. So on a whim I decided to see if the card had money on it. To do this, I stuck the card in my pocket and took it home.

I've already been fired from Chuck E. Cheese for stealing tickets and giving them to my neighbor to use at the redemption counter (to get me a cheap radio and her whatever she wanted). This was when I was 16, and hadn't thought through the ramifications of such a scheme. Contrarily, I hadn't thought out the task either, since I can think of much better ways to steal that radio without being caught. Is this a good thing? Probably not, but it thrills my black heart to test my underhanded theories... to see if I could get away with it.

Well anyway, taking the card is not stealing. No... just hear me out. The card itself has no value, or if it does it's pennies. Therefore, putting a blank card in my pocket is a drop in the bucket. Besides, my plan is to return the empty, non-loaded card to the store. What use do I have for a piece of plastic? I just wanted to see if my gut instinct was right... the bad part?

It was...

I went onto the company's website and put an item into my cart and went to check out and plugged in the card number. It discounted the preloaded amount from the total... I now currently hold in my possession a card with money on it that no one knows about. And I'm thinking to myself... oh no!

What do I do now? I can't use the card, that is stealing. I can't return the card: because A) I can't tell the truth to my managers and explain what happened B) I can't leave it on the floor to be found and shuffled back into the pile of gift cards to be used by someone else thus giving money away for free, and C) I can't give it to a customer who intends to purchase a card for the exact amount of the card as that would throw the registers off and/or require me pocketing the money.

I could hand it over to some unsuspecting random who deserves a break, but could it be traced back to me? And part of me (the black hearted part) wants to know why I never get a break... okay, that's a lie. I just haven't had a break recently - so is handing the card over sending good karma out into the world? No, because the card is "hot" anyway.

So my only option is to cut it up and spend the next few weeks regretting that I had enough of a moral conscience to make that decision instead of buying a cute top or pair of jeans for myself. And secretly, I'm pleased that I know this little tidbit of naughty information - how to load a gift card right under everyone's noses without anyone being the wiser*.

*not to say that I haven't left a paper trail since anyone who cares to be that meticulous could discover a voided transaction without a voided processed gift card. But who would really be that meticulous, or, let's face it, that smart? It has been my understanding that everyone at this company is a retard.

Oh Man

Does anyone ever feel as if they're falling behind in life? Recently, I feel like that all the time. I have plenty to be thankful for - a roof over my head, parents who let me mooch off them, a quasi-stable job, and enough money to not fall further into debt - but I still feel as if I'm inadequate in life accomplishments. I see people who I knew way back when who are doing so well for themselves while I'm still living the life of a high school student. Except, I don't even have classes to attend or homework to finish.

My friend has gotten a "career" job, while I've fallen by the wayside. Every time I hear a No from some new company who has written to turn me down for the position I was more than qualified for... I fall deeper into despair. A pastor at a church that I don't attend has said that in order to receive a miracle, God is going to lead you through desperation. Desperation as preparation... in order to be humble and thankful for the gifts you receive.

At first I thought to myself, but I don't feel desperation. I have a lot of faith that God has me right where I need to be and this has helped me overcome a good deal of depressing thoughts. So there I was thinking, how can I feel desperate? But that was the start of it... everything has gone downhill since. And I've started truly feeling desperate, depressed, antisocial, and other horrible feelings that I rarely felt before.

Futhermore, I've always held the belief that God is never going to do the expected or predictable. For instance, I don't believe the world will end in 2012 because (aside from the hoax-esque quality of the conspiracy theorists and the misinterpreted Mayan calendar) God isn't going to be like... Oh? Well if everyone thinks this is it, it must be... time to blow up the world! God has a plan. Anyway, my point is that once I begin to expect a miracle I won't get one. Or worse, I only feel desperate because I want there to be a miracle soon... What if this isn't desperation at all? What if these are the good times and the bad are yet to come? What if I never find a job and really do become a bum on the street? I mean... those people out there now get that way somehow or another. I am just as likely as the next person to become homeless.

So on top of not having a life, with few friends (read here: .75), and fewer experiences... I have unemployed to add to the list. And kick me while I'm down, the friend who has the job asks me for advice!! Hell if I know what you're suppose to do... if I had the answers to that wouldn't I be the one with the job??? I don't even know what I'm suppose to do with my life... and the only thing I really want to do with my life is join the Peace Corps.

But I can't get out of debt by going into the Peace Corps. Maybe I'm not suppose to get out of debt first? That same pastor said to give my financial responsibilities to the Lord. Tithe and all that. Pay God first. And so I have been (well not officially, yet). But I have been taking 10% out of my pay check and putting it into my savings account in order to tithe in the future... once I can be sure I won't need it to pay for my cardboard box. What if I gave all my finances to the Lord? What if I said today... yes Peace Corps it is! then just left? Would I be in bigger trouble once I came back? How can I be sure it's the right thing to do.

Lately I've prayed, and I feel as if I've forgotten how to listen. Or have answers to my previous prayers just been easier to understand? I feel a lot of self doubt, and aside from knowing I want to 1. Travel 2. Experience new culture 3. Meet new people and 4. Help mankind in an immediate and profound way... I have no clue what I want to do. I feel so dependent on people and I hate that feeling. I feel so angry all the time and I hate that feeling. I feel so despondent and ugly and unfit and bored and listless and lifeless all the time. And I hate that feeling.

How can half a year go by without me having accomplished anything??? I'm going to die soon and I'm just wasting my life. I don't want to waste my life.

Prayer

Dear Lord

I feel like this blog has become an outpost for my prayers, but it's easier to organize thoughts in writing and I don't have my notebook on hand. So...

Dear Lord

I'm so lonely. I don't know how it's possible to need people and still hate being around them. I'm impatient and intolerant. I'm stubborn, hate sharing, hate following orders. I can't stand most people for longer than a handful of days at a time. I care about people, though, don't get me wrong. As much as I say I hate my mother, I don't really. I just need space. I also hate being dependent on others when at this time in my life I ought to be self-sufficient. It's hard to believe I only have two friends that I talk to on a regular basis. Sad, that I feel as if neither of them truly cares about me. I'm so often let down... I feel lost most of the time and bored and depressed as if I'm wasting my life away. Every moment is precious and what do I have to show for the past 6 - 7 months? Nothing, no career, no adventures, no accomplishments.

One could say that I need to appreciate the small things in life. And I do! Rock climbing and running and spending time with Sis and using my camera and catching animals at the zoo doing funny things and all of that... but where are the big things? I'm not making a contribution to anything. I feel as if I'm worthless. That if I were to die tomorrow no one would mourn my loss... and even my parents would get over it quickly enough. That's not to say I want to die or to become famous so that I am mourned. No, what I'm asking is for what purpose am I alive. Why was I put here at this time and in this place. Why do I feel so adrift? What's anchoring me? How can I change? When can I meet new people? Why do I have such a passion to do something and no will power to get up and do it?

I feel so different from everyone else. Like I'm an outsider looking in. I feel immature and mature all at the same time. I feel as if everyone I know has skewed priorities. Why do some people think going out and drinking is the be all end all? Why do some people think getting married and having children is it for them? Who is setting these standards? Why are they standards? Why do I have to follow them? What can I do to ensure that I experience these things without being trapped by them? I'm already in a rut... I'm already alone in the world...

Why would you program me to want things that I can't have? What am I here for? What's my purpose?

Please Lord, I ask that you forgive me my sins, remove my doubt and instill a purpose in me. Please Lord, tell me what my purpose is and help me to accept it and achieve it. Please Lord, let me reach my own life goals in the process... I want to help, I want to meet people, I want to have a family of my own, I want to change the world, I want to see things and experience things that no one else has but I want to be able to share these with someone who can understand. I want the small things... a best friend, a lover, an apartment, a house, a place to run, a healthy lifestyle. I want out of this rut. Please Lord, help me get out of my rut. Help me to fulfill my potential.

In Jesus' name,
I love you
Amen

What Fucking Assholes!

Chicago is full of them... men and women who make it in the world by screwing and screwing over EVERYONE else. Add to that list one Martin J. Kennelly, Jr. - Administrative Law Officer # 067

The fucking asshole who couldn't even have the common decency to read my claim, let alone acquit me of the charge. The charge being: Parking during street cleaning hours... which is an amazing feat considering I WASN'T EVEN IN CHICAGO!!! That assfuck Kennelly denied my claim stating that I have "asserted that the signs prohibiting parking or standing were not properly posted or were obscured at the time the violation was issued..." How is that even possible when I SENT A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE VERY SIGN IN QUESTION AS EVIDENCE IN DEFENSE OF MY CASE?!?!?! If I were able to locate the sign to photograph it and send it in, why the fucking hell would I claim I couldn't see it????? Why would I send a receipt time stamped in Springfield, IL (a town 3 hours outside chicago) at 3.35pm (half an hour after the end of street cleaning hours) as evidence in defense of my claim????

So now, in order to satisfy every wanking, ass fucking, delinquent at the Circuit Court of Cook County I have to pay $50! Not much in comparison, but enough to send me further into debt over some dick head's Fucktastic MISTAKE! ...assuming it was a mistake and not a ploy to swindle innocent people out of money! Scratch that, I have no doubt in my mind that the people of Chicago are crooked money swindlers who deserve to rot in hell... every last one!

Oh Lord

Dear Lord

Yet again I find myself writing for your help and advice. The H has decided to befriend me again.... whoopee! And since the start of our "making up," I have been on edge and negative. I don't want to be their friend again. I really don't. Everything they say is negative or mean or lined with a hidden meaning... even if it isn't... that's how I'm taking it. Because that's what I've become accustom to and I know people don't change. I don't want to tell them anything personal about my life because they'll either A) ignore it and move on B) criticize it or C) want to delve deeper and I hate sharing my feelings.

What I really want, Lord, is to move! I want that job in DC and I want to pack up my stuff today and get out of this house. Thank you, that my parents are leaving for two weeks. This will give me two weeks of stress free living... but what I really want, Lord, is my own apartment and all the stress that comes with it!

Please make Billeck and Parkinson contact me this week and tell me that I am A) hired! or B) being called for an interview... after which I will be hired! I need the money to pay off my loans. I need the change in my life...

I'm suffering from ennui, and I feel like I'm in a rut. My two friends... BAH haha! My only real friend atm is SD... the others don't include me in anything or care that I try to. So, SD is my only real friend and while they've has stopped being as flaky as they can be, they're still far away and our communication never works well online. I need to meet new people, Lord. I need to "strike out on my own" and find a handful of good good friends. And they have to be interested in doing things: rock climbing, photography, painting, running amok! It's great to have friends who say they enjoy stuff (E) but never do it! I would really really really love a group of people to reenact with... in my new area, obviously (preferably Virginia etc) :D

Please help me, Lord. And I'm all in favor of helping myself, which is why step one: pack up stuff in room... step two: contact both locations again!.... step three (and one of my harder steps): conduct research into companies and job descriptions so I can nail any future possible interviews! and step four: MOVE!!! after which I can then contact some civ. groups to join :D See how simple it is?!?! Now please bless this process, make it happen for me, Lord.

Come and Gone

Every week I have a line up of shows to watch on Hulu. It used to be that I would watch these on live TV but then the world was introduced to TiVo. Because my family records shows at the same time as mine (God, forbid!) I have to use an online "TV Station" just to make sure I don't miss any action.

One of these shows is called Eastwick, about three women with witch-like powers who must navigate through some interesting situations. Well, anyway, every time I see the show pop up in my queue I think to myself... nah, I don't want to watch that. So I leave it sitting there so long that I might have two episodes to catch up with before I ever get around to watching the first. I talk myself out of it and think how awful it will be to sit there for an entire hour and watch this rather piece-y show. I never look forward to actually watching it.

Then I get bored. With nothing better to do I resort to watching it... and lo and behold! I actually enjoy it. I get into the characters and the plot and I want to see what happens next.

So why is it that I can't ever remember that I like it so much in the first place? No matter how many times I tell myself I like it, it only seems like I do during the fact and never before or after. The same might be said about my interest in rock climbing. I like the idea of it and have the opportunity to go every single day if I wanted to. Then when I finally make up my mind to do it, I get nervous and try to talk myself out of it. But when I get there I inevitably have fun.

The same goes for meeting up with my friend, I always think of how awkward it can be and I don't want that! But on most occasions we have fun, it's only a select few times that get awkward. So why do I worry that it will be every time?

Dear Lord

Dear Lord:

Thank you so much for all the wonderful gifts you have given me in this life. Although I don't show it as often as I should, I greatly appreciate all that I have... and know that things could become much worse! I also know that I take advantage of many situations and forget to give back. However, that is my hope. My hope is to be able to give back to a wider community. I want so much to be able to see others reap the benefits of the work I do in the future. Whether or not that is a bad thing - yet another situation to be taken advantage of where I gain such palpable rewards - I'm not exactly sure. It's a trade off where both parties win, that is for certain. And how can that be bad? In either case, I pray that you will grant me the opportunity to reach this goal of mine.

As you're aware, I received a notice from a job application with the Smithsonian. Please Lord, let this one be the place I'm meant to get a job. I already know that I don't mind the area, I already know I don't mind the staff (even like the staff in Rusty's department, though I can't say the same of the Anthropology depot.), and from what I've seen on the tour I know that at least one researcher has a sense of humor and the facilities are amazing! I know I could do the work:

Facilitate access to collections and collections records for
repatriation program purposes.
Gather collections data as required for repatriation related
inquiries.
Assist repatriation-related visitors to the collections.
Provide assistance and readily accessible information to
repatriation-related visitors to Museum; and orients them in the use
of the collections and records.

Most of this work is what I have done in my Masters Degree. Archives. Accessibility. Information Technology and Preservation. And what's more, I like this work. Accessibility was one of my more interesting subjects. I like data cataloging and helping people (customer service). I would be good at this job, and for fear of being seen as an idiot and/or being fired, I would be fast at learning the ropes.

It would be a good fit for me and then I could finally move out! I could finally have a life of my own and make money and pay off bills and save up enough to travel and then also get my foot in the door to network and move up or out. Please Lord, what I'm asking is for a chance to have at least an interview, to win over the interviewer, and to get a job!! Help me focus on researching the institution. Help me focus on refreshing my memory of NAGPRA and Accessibility. Help me be professional when I hear back from them, and PLEASE let me hear back from the hiring official.

I know that I don't always deserve what I get but I try to be humble and try to remember to be thankful. Please let me keep both in mind.

Back to School Blues

School will be starting soon and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I need some sort of routine in my life. I have been in school for roughly 20 of my 23 years... what am I suppose to do with myself now that I don't have to learn. I can feel my brain melting into an oozy glue. I just know that one of these days I'll forget my multiplication tables, and my hand will no long remember how to write in cursive. I want to take a class at the community school, but I'm also hoping for a job. I don't want to pay for a class and not be able to attend the full term. I also hate how fun stuff always happens when I'm not around - if I sign up for a class it would be just my luck to miss every fun event occurring this fall. But is going to a class like having an umbrella? If I go I'll get a job, and if I don't go I'll just be sitting at home until December wishing I'd signed up?

I also want to get fit. I feel like I won't be able to do this until i move out of the house... seeing as my parents keep buying unhealthy food. I can make a decision not to buy unhealthy food, but I have no will power to not eat it once it's in the fridge. I'd really like to start going to a gym. But going to a gym is more fun when you go with a friend... my only friend is moving home next week and wouldn't go with me anyway. But then, this might be my chance to meet new people. In a class for something?

I just want to get out and do something, ya know... and not be cooped up every day. Without school I have no motivation to leave my bedroom.

Two things I really enjoy

Fashion... and not high fashion but everyday simple street fashion. Accessories. Cute Cute things, sexy things, out of the blue ways to wear old stuff... new stuff...

And photography... especially whimsical photography where you look at it and automatically imagine yourself there. Pictures of places that stir your creative self... staged photography, posed people... but also capturing a moment by chance and looking through facades.

Negativity

I was talking with my mother the other day, an occurrence that hasn't happened in a while, and it wasn't completely awful. We get along so well if we have breaks from each other... long breaks. Because when we finally do get around to talking again, everything is fresh and new and not the same old nagging... anyways....

I forget that as nutty as she is she does have some interesting points of view. For instance, all this time I've been wondering if everything that seems to go wrong in my relationships with people are their fault or mine. Are they all idiots?! Or, am I just too critical and intolerant? I make this comment to my friends all the time, but they never seem to answer me. Always avoid the question. This makes me even more paranoid that it IS me and not other people... Well I asked my mom, or rather, the comment that I think I'm the one doing stuff wrong popped out while I was complaining to her that none of my friends are normal. That their behavior is so hard to understand. And she said that it wasn't anyone's fault... it is how the world works. People just don't get along - they clash.

This was a revelation... and made me feel a lot better about myself. Not that it changes how bizarre I think most of my friends are... but it does help me get over the fact. One day I just wish I could find someone I meld with... someone who isn't constantly negative, someone who isn't constantly vague

I just want a friend who I get along with and can talk to and commiserate with and not have to worry about offending... who won't offend me... is that so difficult?

Same old, same old

And I'm back to being depressed. I can't seem to make up my mind... one minute everything is great and the next it most certainly is not. I'm so sick of it. I want a normal life. I want things to go as I plan them and I want to be done with this effing indecision. I want a job that will get me out of the damn house, I want to meet new people, I want a boyfriend so I can spend my time making out with someone, and I want to be myself. I have no one to talk to and I have no one I can be myself around. I miss me... I miss doing as I please without having to worry about how people see me. And fuck, I miss being a goody two shoes... why the hell did I have to drink on Thursday? My first ever experience at being drunk - a surreal experience in which I felt more like the guinea pig of my own experiment than actually drunk - and I liked it. I'm a hypocrite... and being one scares me. I don't want to be dependent on alcohol to make me feel as good as I did while drinking alcohol. I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I want to feel great without it. I want to spend my time being happy and doing something worthwhile. And I want to quit needing things... I don't need a boyfriend... they just bring trouble. God damn I'm sick of all the guy drama! I hate it! Do they like me? don't they like me? I hate hate hate it... and I hate it even more when I read to much into one little thing and get my hopes up only to have them thrown into a piss puddle the next. If you like me why can't you just tell me straight up? and if you don't can you make it obvious so I don't start daydreaming again?! I am so fucking frustrated at my own behavior... at my own spinelessness that I am becoming paranoid. Please Lord, put me out of my misery!

If it looks like a date and feels like a date....

... it's not always a date. God why... WHY can't I just have ONE?? It would have made everything perfect. It was nearly perfect - all's that was needed was an some advancement. Otherwise... perfect. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for reading my prayer ;) and answering me in such a blatant way. As that's not always the case, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Aya!

I can't figure the damn kid out... they don't tell me ANYTHING! I know they're not because they are telling another friend, who is then telling me! It makes me so mad because I feel like I'm on a damn roller coaster. My emotions keep going every which way, and I can't handle it anymore. Sure it presents a great subject to daydream about, but daydreaming just gets my hopes up. When reality comes smacking back into place I see how foolish I've been, then I get embarrassed and hope no one realized my mistake. IE wouldn't it be lovely to meet up and then just happen to fall into each others' arms and voila our romance blossoms? The reality of this is that they're MIA or it's raining or I have to go to work. But back to my point. The point is, I'm sick of hearing news second hand. I want it straight from the horse's mouth or not at all. One minute they're best friends and will tell me anything and the next, some crazy shit is going down and I hear it from a friend of a friend... what does it mean?!?!?!

Green with it

I'm terribly jealous of them. Why do they get them when they were mine? They spend so much time together and seem to get on well... do they talk more than we do? It appears so when they tell me things even I didn't know about. I'm just not all that talkative, and I can't hold up a conversation for the life of me. But I feel so possessive over them. They're mine, okay? Not theirs! I miss them and how we can get on on the best of days. And I'm sad and uncomfortable when it's the worst days... and I love how close we can be. I love that I can occasionally read their mind, and them mine. I love when they put their head on my shoulder, no biggie. I wish I had someone to do that with 24/7... it's so... different. But I don't want them to do that with anyone else. They should find their own person to do that with.

GAAAAHHHHH!!!!

STOP FRIGGIN' WORRYING SO MUCH, GOD DAMN IT!!! I'M SO FREAKIN' SICK OF DEALING WITH YOUR INSECURITIES!!! FUCK OFF ALREADY, WOULD YOU?! YOU THINK YOUR INSIGNIFICANT LIFE AFFECTS MINE AT ALL???? YOU THINK THAT YOUR INFINITESIMAL COMMENTS SERIOUSLY MATTER TO ME????? GOD GET OVER YOURSELF!! THE ONLY THING THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF IS YOUR INCESSANT APOLOGIZING!!!! SERIOUSLY, IF I DIDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU I WOULDN'T BOTHER TO ASK... SO STOP MAKING SUCH A FUCKING BIG DEAL OUT OF IT!!!! AND STOP FRIGGIN' CHANGING YOUR MIND

GOD DAMN

My Worst Fear

me: please please please please tell

her to leave me alone

where are you?!?!

Sent at 9:14 PM on Thursday

me: i can't stand it

everything is so retarded

she's so retarded

make it stop

make it stop!!!

i can't wait to come home

GAHHHHHHHH

Sent at 9:19 PM on Thursday

me: god i hope i'm not like her

am i like her?

if i'm like her tell me

tell me now

so i won't be hypocritical on top of being annoying as hell

god i hope i'm not

can i just rant right now?
Sent at 9:22 PM on Thursday

me: she spends all day ranting about megan, a girl who is equally annoying about how much of an attention grabber she is... and all i can think is that you are equally as much of an attention grabber as she is

and then she makes me clean up her and her roommates
dishes

a whole sink full

fine whatever i did them

and then she proceeds to tell me i sing bad

but then when her roomie (who is very nice) starts playing her guitar... she starts to sing and says i'm an ass for not singing along... well i would hate to
disappoint anyone with my awful singing voice

then i have all my sewing stuff on top of me and i've been sitting for a bit and she sits down next to me and asks if i can get up and get her sewing scissors

and you know how i hate people who won't help themselves

it's never ending

why

why is it never ending

but i can't just stop being friends with someone? can i

?

because i'm basically using her so i can do reenactments at this point

she never lets me talk
Sent at 9:26 PM on Thursday

me: i tried to tell her about your great idea to have a cotillion... (we were talking about dresses and i said... omg guess what! i'll finally be able to wear this dress again... you and i are having a cotillion... etc.. etc...) but she interrupts with... "so we can turn here or we can continue up to the plaza... where should we get
lunch?"

like... can't you say one thing about what i just said... like... oh wow fun...

even if its a lie

?

am i like that? please tell me i'm not like that? god i hope i'm not like that!

okay my rant is done

how are you?

Hmmm...

I want to write a novel. I have so many ideas: a girl who has quasi-psychic powers via a conduit who happens to be a teenage orphan has inherited her father's run down farm and must not only turn the farm around but solve her father's suspected murder! Or, a girl who has always been a bit of a loner, has never known love (or at least never received it from someone else), and has lived in the same old house her entire life (though her parents have since retired, moved... twice, and eventually passed away) and in addition to being an artist dabbles in basic earthen magic... she has a side business... as a matchmaker.

And I'm sure several others, hidden under the skin of my fingers waiting to get out... but how do I put what I see and what I can feel into words? How can I describe it so that those things that make the story so special to me... make the story special to the people who read it.

Maybe I have trouble emoting? I mean, I have no trouble being angry or happy or excited and I'm getting better at being girl-y (these things are seen as strong emotions... having strength aren't they? Even being feminine is a sort of strength), what I can't do -at least with any ease- is share bits of myself. Because of course all my heroines are myself... versions of myself or how I wish I were and who I wish I were with.

God I wish I could just be open and not scared of showing too much. And stop worrying about what others think and just do what I imagine doing in my head. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

A dream

I have this reoccurring image in my head, like a dream, of two little girls in pretty white dresses playing in a stream. Their hair is brown but glinting strawberry blonde in the sunlight that dapples through the green leaves of the forest. We're all in a clearing of the forest where the stream is shallow and gliding slowly over large smooth stones. Wherever the sun hits the water light sparkles off the surface and reveals glinting silver fish that swim around the older girl's ankles. It's warm - the air, the water, the grass on which the baby sits. She looks about a year and a half, burbling and laughing at her reflection in the water. The older girl is 5, maybe younger. She's standing in the middle of the stream watching the fish and the water and the bits of fluff that float on the surface. There are bits of fluff in the air, twirling around them lazily, illuminating as the pieces drift through each shaft of light. Everything is bathed in a rich gold as if its dripping in honey, everything smells fresh and light and warm.

What happens

What happens when the ambition I always thought I had doesn't exist? What happens when I have so much I want to accomplish but haven't the inclination to start working? What happens when I'm not qualified to do anything I want to do... and all the other jobs are taken?

I can't live here anymore. I'm bored. I need to work. Who said it that we were made for work and must work for some reason or other? Maybe no one said it but it has got to be true. I have to do something or I'm going to go crazy!

A list of things I like and could do for the rest of my life so long as I have someone or something driving me:

Sewing
Painting
Photography
Babysitting
Swimming
Reading fiction
Talking
Acting
Being active
Being outdoors
Helping people who deserve it
Listening and giving advice
Learning
Math (but not anything major involved)
Horseback riding
Interacting with animals (but probably not cleaning up after them 24/7)

Bored in Class

All around me I hear the clicking of keys on laptop computers. I think to myself about how many people aren’t paying attention. I think about the books I want to read: the one in my bag, the one with the pretty cover laying in my car. I think about the weather and how perfect it would be to curl up with those books and listen to the rain. Soon - today is an easy day. I’ve wrapped my black shawl around my shoulders and I like how it feels; comfortable. It offers me a place to hide.

Again my mind starts to wander. In these situations I always have this reoccurring daydream... that same dream since high school with the only variant being my location. I’m sitting in class and this feeling sort of comes over me. I look around at all the blank faces and the clacking of the keyboards slows… then stops all together. Except for mine. The professor’s voice fades out before he can finish his sentence and there is a sound like a record player being scratched in slow motion mixed with a gong (honestly I don’t know why this is the sound but it is). Again I look around and everyone is frozen mid task. The guy with the water bottle is still drinking, and the girl in the corner who was about to nod off is suspended in air as if her head is about to hit the table. Cars outside are still on the road, but they aren’t moving forward. Pedestrians have become statues, silent and unseeing. The whole world has stopped rotating… or maybe it is but no one cares anymore.

Cautiously, trying hard not to interrupt this stasis, I push back my chair and stand up. It feels as if the very molecules that make up the mass of desks have become heavy and sluggish. It takes greater effort to stand up. Yet I can still stand up. Time has stopped for me, I can do whatever I want. I know exactly what I want to do.

I walk through the Hall slowly, pushing through the air as if suddenly it has become a tangible object. The building is eerie in its silence. I make my way down the stairs and out the door. I head to the café… I’m hungry and the bagels are just sitting there, so why not? That taken care of I begin my search… I’m looking for him. I have to think to myself where he might be and so I start towards his Hall. Class… he’s probably in class. Wait, though. How am I going to find him? I don’t know which room he’s in, there could be hundreds of people in that Hall. I stop and turn over my shoulder. I could spend hours looking for him in that Hall, but there’s a good chance he hasn’t even left home. I veer towards his home and try to pick up the pace, but it’s almost as if I’m walking through water. It takes me nearly twice as long as it would any other day. I’m nearly panting when I reach his door, but the door is unlocked and with a good hard push it opens. The light is on.

I wade through his house until I find him lounging in the couch. My heart thuds in my chest and I freeze, motionless. Scared by how still he is, I think that any moment he’s going to catch me out of the corner of his eye. But he doesn’t, I hold my breath, but he doesn’t stir. He’s as frozen as I am. His wavy brown hair has flopped into his deep blue eyes and his computer is open on his lap. His long legs are sprawled on the coffee table in front of him, and a sock is slipping off the end of his foot as he slouches on the couch. His broad shoulders are hunched as his equally long arms are propped by his side, curved to use the keyboard. His expression is relaxed, open. I never see him like this. He’s usually always got a smirk on his face and a quip on his tongue. He’s very quick witted. It’s nice to see a different side of him.

Stepping into the room, I maneuver around trash and books and shoes and other guy stuff to reach the couch. I feel bad, being there and witnessing his private habits. Maybe he lounges just like this every morning. I’m almost afraid to look at the computer screen. What if he’s looking at something not at all attractive?! That would ruin him forever. But there are no flickering sexpots on the screen. No, the page is Facebook. It’s scrolled down to a story by his sister. Something about a dog. He looks so adorable, his hair all mussed and his shirt all wrinkly. How could anyone help but like him. I touch his arm and expect to find that it has become rigid and hard like the statue he seems to have become. But it’s not. It’s smooth and warm and soft. I lean in, thinking about other things that might be smooth and warm and soft. Our faces are just inches from each other…

And that’s about when I wake up from my daydream. I can’t seem to get to the actual kissing bit…. I suspect this is because I have no experience kissing and therefore no way to imagine kissing.

Depressing really….

(oh how I ought to be a smut novelist... I think I might be quite good at it ;)

oh man

So, every Friday my friends hold a happy hour at some location around AA. Usually this place is GTC because it's close to campus, cheap, and the least smokey joint in town. This is interspersed with jaunts to Ashley's, the BL, BL, and random other locations, though. This past week was a random other location; and since I hadn't been in a while because of prior commitments and just plain not wanting to, I decided to go. And might I just say that said random other place this week was Whole Foods... yea, the grocery store.

At WF you are allowed to purchase food on the spot and eat it while you continue shopping. Likewise, you may also purchase alcohol and do the same. In which case you end up resembling how I imagine a bunch of drunks go grocery shopping: strolling around and nursing a bottle while grabbing more than one sample tortilla chip per customer. ...I had gelato and made fun of the 100% organic bras.

Normally at HH we have a whole gang of regulars who show up as well. This week it was just a handful including myself. Fun but definitely not as fun as it can be. Actually... this is sort of the point of my whole vent here: One of the regulars didn't show up and I wasn't sure if I wanted them to. I had this niggling feeling in my gut like if they showed up things would be bad or something. I'm not sure what it was all about. I think it just coulda been awkward and I HATE awkward.

And what is up!? All of a sudden... way more attention! And sometimes I catch them watching me. Not in any weird way but like, what does it mean?? Is it for any particular reason (ie. they like me?) or cuz I have crap on my face or something!? I'm sick of all this! Why can't people just be blunt about stuff? Like poor S! They're so pretty but have such low self esteem and think that they can't go out and enjoy life because they're ugly or something. They tell me they can't go meet friends at Ashley's because they aren't wearing makeup.... but why do they need makeup? They've got flawless complexion!

I'm sick of how people can't just be themselves. Myself included. Sometimes I get the urge to just say what I mean and mean what I say. Sometimes I do just that, but most of the time I put on a show. Sometimes I feel like I have to steal the spotlight or tell a joke or at least have something witty to say, otherwise what's the point? Other times, when I have something to say, I feel like I'm just bothering people by saying it. I hate being interrupted, but I also hate when people listen so hard they don't say anything at all. That just makes it seem like they don't care or are zoning out. I hate when The H does that, cuts me off when I'm trying to tell them something. It's like, why should I listen to you when you don't listen to me. GAH!

Also, I've been watching Japanese cartoons. Some of which are disturbing!

Life is slowly wasting away - and I heard back from another job: ...no

Why I love babysitting

First, I get to hang out with the kids I grew up with... they're so adorable.

Second, I get to be away from my parents.

Third, I get to watch free movies on a big screen TV.

Fourth, I get to eat good food.

Fifth, I get PAID to be here...... a whole TON of money...

...granted I have to play chauffeur to a couple of teenagers, put a diaper on a dog, and wake up at 6:30 so I can get the kids out of bed.... but who cares?!?! I'm getting PAID!!!

:D


p.s. I hope this doesn't backfire on me!

What's wrong with me...

So I can say with some certainty that I don't like him. But now I'm wondering, what's wrong with me? It seems that every time I start to like someone who may just possibly like me, I stop. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?

Things just feel wrong. Or maybe, everything feels normal when before I had these heightened sensations. Nothing is fun anymore, nothing is exciting. I seem to get bored easily. I don't find pleasure in reading like I used to. When sewing I just want the finished product... well no, I've always just wanted the finished product when I create things. I never care about the process, the journey, of actually doing the work. Still, this just doesn't seem right.

I enjoy running. I enjoy how my body feels to go fast when I first start out. And I love the sense of accomplishment when I'm finished. And the ache in my body the day after. I know I've done something good. The actual running in between the feeling of going fast and sense of doing something good... the time spent breathing raggedly, the stitch in my side, the sweating, the hyperventilating.... not so much. I love when I fall into a rhythm and can zone out, but much of the time I catch myself and loose that beat. I hate when I loose the beat.

I also used to love the idea of traveling to exotic places and seeing things and experiencing adventures, but that doesn't appeal to me anymore. I feel .... content? Is that the right word? I feel content that I may never see anything... No that's not it. Because there are things I want to see and do. Swim in a river warmed by the sun and sleep in beautiful grassy hills (sans bugs please) and climb trees. But these I can do in my own backyard. Or at least... America. What happened to my wanderlust? Maybe I'm just tired?

I don't know...

I..... New York

Ah New York... I love the culture... the subway... the food... the shopping


I pretty much hate everything else.

The noise, the smell, the price of EVERYTHING! (except maybe for those knock offs in Chinatown)...

I miss green grass and driving my car and being able to walk down a street without being pummeled by wind and people.

I'm also bored out of my mind! I want to experience new things... but I get stuck dragging my friend to all the tourist traps. GAH!!!

M is for....

So my friend came to visit. I was so worried the week would be a bust... and was praying that if we didn't have fun we'd at least get along better than me and The Dep. But it was soooo much more fun than that!!!

God I love that boy... they just make me so happy! It was such an ego boost having them here. And omg they smell SO good! Is it wrong that I haven't moved back into my room just so I can still have that scent around?

We totally partied all weekend. They've got this way about them... they're just sexy.... Honestly, I am not attracted to them in any sort of "I-want-to-date-you" way. It's more a "you-are-like-a-lost-puppy-but-ten-times-hotter-and-with-a-sense-of-humor-and-smell-really-good" sort of way. I just like to look :D hehe

And when they left, it felt like I was loosing Hattie all over again (just not as painful). I miss them and their damn good smelling cologne. I hope they don't hate me and I hope they come back to visit sometime soon....

...or to stay!

(ps.... on a slightly unrelated note, I've decided to flat with a guy and not a girl when I get my own apartment. It will be a ton more interesting and with a whole lot fewer cat fights I think.)

What God says is best...

Okay, in the Bible, God tells us to "turn the other cheek." The metaphor that explains how to repress anger and stand up for ourselves and get over it. He also tells us to "forgive those who trespass against us." So I strive hard to let my anger go and forgive the people who have hurt me in some way or another.

But I was talking with a friend who is a very confrontational person. In a situation where I would send a zinger to get back at someone or tell a joke to diffuse the tension... keep my anger and embarrassment to myself... then let it go a day or two later. They prefer to ignore the situation then confront the person head on. They hold grudges for days... for weeks... longer still. And expects an apology or the person to agree with them.

Now I don't know but that doesn't seem healthy to me. They say that sending zingers is sinking to the other persons level, but isn't drudging a conflict up days or even weeks later just as bad?

I would rather let my feelings be known at the time or forever hold my peace. Whereas, they prefer to attack the trespasser and force them to explain themselves (when sometimes said trespasser doesn't even know what they've done!).

So, God, which is worse? Holding a grudge til Kingdom come or zinging someone then getting over it? Either way I try. I vent so I don't explode, but for the most part... I don't let things phase me. And I certainly don't hold someone's behavior over their heads! I try hard to understand them from their perspective, whether I'm right or wrong. And in most cases I get where they're coming from. In the situations I can't (for instance my mother who I will never understand!) I get mad... get physical or emotional or whatever... then get over it!

I LET IT GO!!!

deep breath in with the good
exhale the bad!!

We aren't really friends are we...

I was running from Happy Hour this past Friday. No, literally... running as fast as I could away from everyone. It was a nice way to clear my head. Sometimes when I start thinking too much about what I want and what I don't have or about what I did instead of what I should have done, I start getting depressed. And really, the only things that help are praying and getting my mind off the subject. So as I was being laughed at by my friends, surreptitiously hiding my disgusting face, suffocating in cigarette smoke, trying to listen to conversations over way-too-loud 80s pop music, and failing miserably at life in general, I was sinking into despair. So I got up and left... left without paying my bill, too! I felt like an idiot to begin with and that was just the cherry on top.

But it didn't end there. I missed my damn bus. So I couldn't even make a fast get away!

So I ran...

and as I was running I thought to myself. What the hell is wrong with me? and why doesn't life ever work as planned? and why can I strike up a convo with random strangers, but can't seem to hold a convo with my so called friends?

I ran until the wind made my eyes water, or until I was crying - I'm not sure. I was winded too, but I kept running. I wanted to get away from that person I was trying to be but couldn't. I was trying to get away from the people who made me act like that. Why do I act like that?! I can't seem to be normal... I don't want to be laughed at for being me.

I was wearing a hat... one that I like... a DAMN HAT... and they wouldn't leave me alone about it! How would they react to the real me if they couldn't even shut up about a stupid hat?? And it's not like I can tell them to leave off it, cuz they'd either a) think it was childish of me to overreact or b) laugh even harder... or both.

After the running I felt better, but not by much. I wanted The Sis. I still do... Having her is like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. We get along like best friends, but when we don't we can yell at each other all we want and not have to worry about hurting each others feelings... because we're related and even if we hate one another to death, we're stuck like glue. Its nice to have that kind of stability. Especially when The H is ignoring me and S is so flippin inconsistent and no one else cares.

I got home and the Rents were watching Jeopardy:

Larry David said "I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with."

- What is Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Thanks Alex...

Well, it's true. I don't... actually I don't like people in general. I push them away. I don't like when they get too close and I don't like how they make me feel without my permission.

25... or not

So S decided it would be cool to write a note about 25 random things. But instead of jumping on the bandwagon they wrote 25 things about other people...

This all stems from a stupid chain letter like thread on FB that caught on "like wildfire." Actually this is a reiteration of a previous thread that required the writer to write 1 anonymous comment about 25 other people. So you'd end up being tagged in the note and would have to guess which comment was about you. The newer version is all about you. 25 ways to brag about yourself. I didn't like the idea to begin with. It seemed too self absorbed. I did it anyway... and then I realized it was retarded and deleted it a few days later. I didn't like that anyone could read about me and judge me for being a braggart.

S, they did it the right way. They wrote 1 thing about 25 people, but specified who the comment was for. Not only did you get to see what they wrote about you (and nice things of course) you got to learn a little bit about someone else from a different perspective than your own.

And because I'm a hypocrite and in a snarky mood... I will write a comment about each of my so called friends, but I won't post it on FB but on here... so I can't be accused of being a copy cat. And so here I go.


The Sis - Crazy, annoying, and recently very hilarious! I love her to death and sometimes can't stand her... she has gotten better over the years and has developed the most interesting sense of humor. I think we're much closer friends and am glad we relate better to each other.

SD - as wishy washy as ever... but I understand them a bit better. We have a lot of the same issues and self doubts. I just wish they'd gain a bit more self confidence because they're really funny and entertaining. Also, I have this habit of clinging to them I think... because of our shared phobias. I need to get over that because a lot of the time they let me down.

The H - the nickname says it all. They talks incessantly about themself and ignores most of the comments I make. The worst part is I can't stop being friends with them. I think I need them too much. I'm afraid I won't have anyone if I didn't have them. And sometimes... they come through and it's alright. But sometimes they're a total jerk!

S - Is brilliant. Honestly, and really nice for the most part. But they have a short tolerance span, and I think after a while they just gets annoyed with me. They seem extremely mature and sometimes I just don't fit in with them. But I always feel special when I do, because they're really smart and can be such a help.

L - Very sweet and tolerating. And encouraging! When I tell them some of the dumb stuff I've done, they always has an anecdote to throw in about themself. They're so down to earth and interesting. I wish they'd talk more... I would like to get to know more about them.

BQ - extremely nice and helpful and caring... except when they're a bit tipsy. They wear the coolest clothes and have such a sense of style and personality. I don't know much personal stuff about them, but what I do know I like. And when we get the chance to talk just us, she always has some great advice.

P - Their own person. They does what they want and don't really listen to what anyone says. They're blunt and tell it like it is... so you can pretty much trust what you see is what you get. I'd like to get to know them better, but it's hard to scratch past that exterior.

E - I like them so much. They're such an idiot. I love hanging out and wish we would more often. I'm hoping that eventually I'll work up the courage to be my complete self around them... I feel like I'm still holding back. And I hope that eventually all my effort will pay off... because for the most part, they're extremely hard to read.

Milo - a flirt. A major flirt. So adorable and kinda poncy but I love them anyway. I miss hanging out and can't wait til we can again. They're such a ham and I'm hoping they get along with all my other friends.

G - Nice, but I don't know much about them. They're sorta not on my level. I feel like they don't care either way... they're indifferent.

MT - Haha... MT is great! I really want to get to know them some more. Some people you just know you'll get along with...

Dags - I miss them so much, they always had an ear to loan me and had some great insight into a lot of issues. I hope I'll get to see them again soon!

The Dep - Has issues... I don't know what they are but I'm hoping they grow out of them. We used to get along so well and now... not so much.

T - I miss them too!!! Best friend ever, so long as they weren't having guy issues. But always such a good friend! And a friend in faith as well... and those are hard to come by!

Country

So I fell in love with country music. Crazy! I know, right? It started when I went to visit The Sis in KC... you see, unlike up here, all of their stations play country. There is at most two pop/rap/hiphop stations (while up here there are 50 bajillion) and all the rest... well... lets just say country music is unavoidable. So as I'm driving on my mega long (and boring and annoying) roadtrip it was either listen or shoot myself...

Obviously I'm still here, so we all know what happened.

The point of this story is... I actually enjoyed it. The music. And this is why:

1) because the lyrics to some (not all but quite a few) songs are so poignant... about things I feel, experience, hope to experience, love, hate, want, need, etc...

2) because they mention God, having faith, and being washed in the blood. I love that.

3) because they're hard to sing along to... the harmony, melody, whatever is so different from what I'm used to. It's a challenge!

4) because the music makes me think of summer time when the sky is all yellow with sunshine and the trees are thrown in high relief and bright bright green. And I love that... especially when its so cold.

Now I can't get enough of it. I've been putting the stuff on my ipod, my myspace, and now I'm blogging about it. I'm addicted. Though I have yet to fall in love with Johnny Cash (see! I don't even know how his name is spelled!), but I'm well on my way to becoming a hillybilly/cowgirl/hick/redneck woman.... you fill in the blank.

Why I'm...

Why I'm happy....

I get to go to New York City for ASB, working at the MET Cloisters, learning to be a better collections manager!

My Asian Persuasion team and I are going to Boston because we beat out 50 other people to represent our Locally Sustainable Food Distribution Design Idea... that we created in conjunction with our client.

I get to babysit the most adorable dog this weekend and I won't have to waste gas driving into Ann Arbor.

I get to see Milo in 18 days and we're gonna party!

I have Günter and know how to use him.

I have a million and one project ideas and most of the supplies to complete them!

I have at least 4 books that are going to last me a good long while.

Why I'm pissed off....

E doesn't get the hint

S is so wishy washy

P doesn't like me

and The H is sooooo self centered!!!

and my butt hurts because i've been sitting in one position for too long....

....oh the trade offs

The way I are...

I've decided I'm much more mischievous than most of my friends. Where others find they can not tell a lie, I have no trouble BSing my way through. When others feel too old, too mature, I never do. If others find something repulsive, I invariably find it fascinating... and I usually need to pick it up. I have the urge to do many things that I can only just barely contain, like: screaming at the top of my lungs, spitting, dancing in public, throwing things at people, pushing and shoving, falling asleep at the most inopportune times, climbing/jumping off stuff, and the list goes on.

I see no shame in flunking a class because, honestly, what's the worst that will happen? I show no remorse when I've done something retarded, and lets face it... when aren't I doing something retarded? I hate to shake hands or dress up or do anything remotely formal. Making small talk is the bane of my existance, along with my inability to raise one eyebrow. But which do you suppose I care more about accomplishing? Oh, that's right... the eyebrow!

Being a fool is what I'm good at and may quite possibly be the only thing I'll ever be good at. But I love it. I love having fun and being myself. I love that I am amused by the little things, and am easily occupied. And I love the freedom I give myself on most occasions... I can't imagine what it must feel like to be S or SD, always checking themselves. Work before play! Only, they don't actually "check" themselves... they just naturally ARE more mature. They always get their work done on time and in pristine order (which I will never do... ie Courier New). They always look so put together, when I just can't be bothered.

I have learned over the years that I tend to hurt/annoy/scare people when I am myself. Therefore, in order to preserve my dignity (albeit the minutely tiny, fraction of dignity that I do possess) and keep the few friends I do have, I have taught myself to hide my mischievous side as best I can. I try to control my urges (my urge to hit people, my urge to steal things, my urge to stick my hand into the bag of beans). I try to control my emotions (ie... crying at sad movies, laughing too loud, blushing). And I try to control my conversation (as few random thoughts as possible, no talking about myself, no crude humor, no swearing).

Over the years, I have become so afraid of acting completely natural because completely natural for me is highly bizarre. When my true self does slip through I often earn myself confused looks... or I do something I relive over and over again, regretting it more with each successive iteration (such as forcefully grabbing E). So now, even though I have no motivation to study, wear fancy clothes, or appear mature, I find I'm withdrawing into myself and going with the flow so as not to be left behind.... but it doesn't feel like me anymore.

Does that make sense?