NO EXCUSES

It's the time of year again. Where I wrap up the old year, reflect on my progress and plan my resolutions for 2012. I love this time of year!

This time in 2010, I had finished my first year of a serious lifestyle change. My year of running... and boy did I run! 336.81 miles (give or take the days I didn't record) to be exact. I started with a 13 minute mile and could barely run more than 1.5 without huffing and puffing. I finished with a 10:19 minute mile on average, with my longest run being 8.7 miles!

It's hard to believe that in such a short time I was able to get... fit. I lost 22.25 lbs and 19.5 inches total from my Arms, Waist, Hips, Butt and Thighs. And I was doing it myself, without any diet and without any help - except for a decent pair of running shoes which I realized I needed after my first real race: The Detroit Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot (which I ran in 2009 in just under 40 minutes). In 2010, I ran a Trot with my sister in Huntington Beach, California. 6.21 in an hour and eight minutes which basically means I cut nearly 5 minutes from the previous year. I was progressing...

But when 2011 came around, I knew I needed another lifestyle change to keep this improvement-ball rolling. I decided to cut back on calories. Not necessarily food choices, just watching what I ate. This, along with kicking off the year with a bang - the PF Chang Rock N Roll Phoenix 1/2 Marathon - was amazing. 13.1 miles and a few pounds lighter really kept my spirits up (I have officially shaved 10 minutes off my Turkey Trot and my 8 miler, too)!

But when I hit a plateau mid year, I came to realize I'd developed a bit of a problem. Bulimia. It was hard to decide if you could call it that, I wasn't even sure what the medical definition of bulimia was. But I'm pretty sure I had some of the symptoms and after watching a documentary I was kind of freaked out.

I binge eat. I always have, but I found a convenient way to get rid of most of the food I'd just stuffed down my throat. And I'm good at it. It came easily after having so many stomach troubles... upset stomachs as a kid, food allergies, gallstones, acid reflux. I can throw up on command. I felt so much better after throwing up.

Now I have a canker sore on my tongue. I worry constantly that my teeth are yellowing or about to fall out. I get depressed when I eat too much, and depression makes me hungrier. So I eat more. Then throw up. But I couldn't stop, because it helped.

It helped to push past the plateau. In 2011, I dropped another 28 lbs and 10 inches all around. I'm in a size 10. I can't remember the last time I was in a size 10. I'm almost certain I skipped from child sizes directly into a 12 my freshman year of high school.

I joined a gym as well. To do weight training and tone up. Losing weight this quickly (even though it seems agonizingly slow) has left me flabby. I've got skin under my arms, dragging from my gut (on top of the gut I have left to lose!!), on my legs. I've gotten rid of a full bra size, but the skin on my ribs is still fatty and loose.

It's gotta stop. The bad habits. The throwing up because I have no will power to say no. The craving for sugar. The flab!!

In addition to 2012 being my Adventure Year, I want it to be my year to shape up, get back on track, and stop indulging myself. I don't want to risk esophageal cancer or a tracheotomy because my stomach acid has worn away my vocal chords (simply having acid reflux already increases my risk... just ask my cousin!).

I'm going to eat only whole foods. No extra sugars, no grains, no dairy, no processed foods. Meats (white, grain fed, farm fresh), Fish (wild caught), Vegetables (no starch like potatoes), Fruits (low sugar), Nuts, Seeds, and Eggs will be my only options. Foods I don't need to cook (think raw veggies). Foods that pack in protein and naturally occurring carbs (think apples, carrots, and nuts) will replace all those awful choices at the supermarket.

I will continue to count calories, but I will be more efficient. I will pre-pack/plan meals and I won't snack (beyond the 4 snacks per day I already allot myself). And I will record these calories on my calendar. Along with workouts.

And I will work out... more. I am training for the Chicago Marathon in October. This means early to bed, early to rise. Running 35-40 miles per week. Cross training by swimming and biking. Weight training and staying involved with canoe club. AND STRETCHING which is extremely important, too.

Mentally I'm going to get over this need for a crutch (the barfing, the pity parties). If I want to see a change I need to put in the effort... that means I need to run a lot farther than the meager 183.99 miles I did this past year. I also need to change my mindset. I need to stay on top of things, not stress over minor details like friend drama and work.

In the grand scheme of things, those are a drop in the bucket. As is my obsession with you-know-what. I refuse to hold on to that, when deep down I'm lying to myself. I will keep my eyes open for potentials, but that isn't a priority yet. Not until October... when I relocate for a more stable, permanent, REWARDING job (think Michigan, New England, Minneapolis, Seattle... Hawaii?? [although I do want White Christmases from here on out]).

I am only going to think positive thoughts. I am only going to attract people who are good for me. I am not going to put up with the kind of crap my Grandmother resigned herself to years ago and my sister has come to expect. I am not going to be cold and stand offish anymore. I am not going to judge people as harshly... as for patience? Maybe next year ;) Haha.

I am going to STICK to this new regime. No slacking. And I will give myself goals so I don't burn out.

Last year was a good year to give it a go. Now that I know it is doable... NO EXCUSES

I CAN DO THIS!!

Be Still

Make a sound, find you voice, speak the words

the thoughts you know you ought to share

the stones that weather and erode

inside your head

inside your heart.


Make an effort to be intimate, to lose control.

If all is said and done without you

having give your heart away

what else is there

what else is there?


Move closer, seeing everything, tear down

the wall you live behind.

And know that every layer's gone

With steps you take

With inhaled breath.

A Better Bogart?

Oh man, did they have it right in the mid-50s. Take a guy with a cynical side and give him a white-knight complex. Does it get any better? Throw in all the right moves and that's a winning combination.

What is it about Bogart that makes him so sexy? He's got the face of a horse and the ears of an elephant... not to mention a nasally voice with a lisp. Sure he has brawn, but he's not even very tall (topping out at 5'8")! Seriously, why is he so god damn sexy??

Oh right, because he's suave and mysterious and has one-liners scripted so sharp they'd cut glass. But most of all? Confidence (and just a hint of swagger) that would be all but egotistical if he wasn't jumping in to save his gal at just the right moment.

Where are men like that these days?? A guy who sees you swaying to music, wraps his hand across your hip and pulls you slowly (purposefully) into a dance. A guy who may not realize he loves you but does everything in his power to keep anyone else from having you, from talking bad about you, from any number of things. A guy who gets your favorite song stuck in his head, who takes you to his favorite place in the whole world and trusts you to appreciate it just the same, who remembers something about you that makes him smile.... then lets you know he remembers. A guy who's not afraid to take what he wants, when he wants (with your permission of course!); and who isn't afraid to say what's on his mind around you.

Sigh... just my luck I was born a romantic in the wrong era.

Back to the Grind

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. I think I'm just dreading work, but I feel anxious... worried? I started to think about all the bad stuff. What am I suppose to do tomorrow? What am I doing here? Why do I have to be so alone? How am I suppose to make friends? What if I never make friends? Meet a guy? Look attractive? Grow up? Get a job? Afford to live? Lose weight? See my family? What if there is an accident? If the few friends I have don't even like me (and I'm such a hypocrit, complaining about how they act and what they say all the time, why would they)? Why do I scare people away? Why do they hate me? Why don't I get along with my mother? Why when I miss her am I such a jerk? Who could ever love me? Who would ever hire me? What am I here for?

I can't think like that... It makes me depressed. But I'm so tired and can't think positive thoughts. I just want attention, to be noticed, listened to, cared about. So I don't feel so alone all the time. I'm dreading work because even there I have nothing to do and I feel so alone. Phoenix is the worst place on earth.

3 Months or So

I miss being alone with family. Having someone I love in the next room. I took it for granted and now I'm just lonely.

I've been spending too much time in my own head. It's draining.

Where will I be in October? Alone?

Coffee Break

Send me down the path that's right for me.

When I get to talking to them, I get so excited for the possibilities. But when I talk to the other, I get so homesick, lonely, and depressed. I feel as if I'm not smart enough to be here... and it's only a matter of time before everyone finds out - if they haven't already.

I'm not on top of politics, I don't know what's going on with ACV, or how things are run. I don't know grants or budgeting or how to write. I don't focus or listen or try very hard and sometimes no matter how hard I try I still can't keep my head above water.

I'm waiting for my next massive screw up and to be told off. Or fired.

I have too much freedom, not enough supervision when what I really want is someone to hold my hand and let me make mistakes. But then I hate when people look over my shoulder, ask for crap that I either don't have or can't do, waiting for things to do when I could create 15 if I had the authority.

What am I meant for? What is my purpose?

Send me home.

With love,

what what

I've traded friendships for a job... assuming I had any to begin with

Hard Heart

I think something is wrong with me.

Do you suppose everyone feels alone...

never fully understood?

And those people you seem to be able to stare right through?

Are they special too?

I wonder sometimes what my purpose is...

if I have a purpose, a talent.

How is it so obvious to others?

Or don't they know that they're good at what they do?

I want that...

to know what I'm doing is what I'm meant for.

I want to spend every day putting pieces of myself in my work.

Is there a job like that?

Where you work each day to physical and mental exhaustion...

knowing that you've done good...

and enjoyed it.

Please, Lord

Let me live a hard and meaningful life.

Don't let me lose what makes me feel different.

I know I'm not the best at it...

but don't let me forget how to see other people.

Please, Lord

I don't want to feel this way.

V Day

I love Valentine's Day. I never really gave it any thought before, but now I realize I kind of actually love it.

Only... in a sort of 1960s way? Haha... yes, I know I'm bizarre. But you know those construction paper Valentine's Day cards with the doilies and gold glitter? Yea I love those! And the red sweater you'd wear with a corduroy skirt and white tights that have little hearts printed on them. Am I the only one who had that outfit? Granted, I'm not from the 60s, but the 80s were pretty close. And the music...

Pretty much every love song from the 60s gets me... and 50s, 40s, 30s and okay so I'm a sucker for sappy songs. Whatever! Valentine's just puts me in a sappy mood.

Then there is the color red. It's so appealing lately. I like how vibrant it is! My couch is red and my kitchen towels are red and my backpack is red. Just about anytime I want something happy and bright, I pick out red. And Valentine's Day is all about red. You know... the color of passion! (Which is why I want a red dress... statistically you are more attractive in red, too!)

This weekend I think I'm going to paint in honor of the holiday - smears of dripping wet paint across the blanket of a snow white canvas - sounds inspiring! And if it looks good I'll hang it on my sad sad empty wall. 

And let's not forget about chocolate, my downfall. I absolutely positively crave chocolate sometimes. I definitely have a sweet tooth. Salty things? Who needs them! Coffee? Too bitter! But chocolate, now that is a different story. Melt-in-your-mouth, buttery smooth, nutty and rich, chocolate! No other holiday devotes so much to the idea of chocolate, that aphrodisiacal bean. And with good reason, too. Dark chocolate not only triggers the love drug in our brains (or so they say), but according to Wikipedia possibly works to prevent cancer, stimulate the brain, progress coughs, and raise your heart rate higher like a bout of damn fine kissing!

For all you nay-sayers out there who say you hate Vday for its being too "Hallmark" well... you are just lonely without a man or woman to call your own on this ridiculous of all holidays! Besides, Saint Valentine's Day has a long and dark history that has been all but lost, though deals mostly with the death of martyrs. So aside from a few embellishments, the holiday has been around much longer than Hallmark!

And anyway, I'm alone, too. That doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and be depressed because this is a "couples" holiday... how retarded would that be?? Chances are, come Monday, I'll forget it's even Valentine's. Haha! Oh well

But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some chocolate and spend time "making art and love as if my very soul depended on it. Uniting my spiritual and artistic sides of my nature..." Er... at least that's what my horoscope recommended, and frankly, the idea of putting some passion into a work of art sounded cathartic. So I'm off to the Art Supply to get me a canvas!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!

Love, Love, Love...

Okay this is an "all-in-one" update post. Normally I go chronologically, but I think today I'll just type as the mood hits me.

My friend is driving me nuts with all her talk of online dating. I'm so sick of hearing how great one guy is or how often another guy texts her. And no matter what I tell her, she never listens to my advice. Then a month or two later she comes back with "Oh my friend says this...." and "my friend says that..." Stuff that I had told her originally. But why listen to me? I have no experience [insert eye roll]. So listen to LeAnn instead!

I went to pick up camping gear for her visit, though. I'm excited for the prospect of having an adventure. I want to see some things out here, Wupatki and Chiricahua and others. If there were one thing to do out here, what would it be? What would it be in Michigan, I wonder?

I miss Michigan... my beautiful home. I miss the snow. There is suppose to be a snow storm tonight or tomorrow.

I've decided I need to be more aware of current events. I spend half my time in dreamland and the other half avoiding reality. I think I need to catch up on world affairs.. but when I spent the afternoon reviewing CNN I remembered why I never bothered before. Everything is so negative or controversial or boring... or some sort of ridiculous filler because there is nothing better to show. The top watched video for today was a gorilla who could walk upright. Why is this so fascinating? I don't understand... all apes have the ability to walk upright just not for prolonged periods of time. They don't have the skeletal or muscular structure to do so. The gorilla had "learned" the behavior in order to carry something with two hands, which is a perfectly natural behavior. The second most watched video was one about the protests in Egypt.

Which do you suppose is more important? A walking gorilla or political protests in Egypt?

I'm not saying either one is more appropriate. It's just a fascinating cultural study.

Another fascinating cultural study? The hunt for potential mating partners... aka dating. I'm really anti-dating at the moment. Not anti-relationship, -love, -whathaveyou... just anti-dating. And quite possibly anti-sex, too. And this may be me being prudish, and right about now I don't give a damn. No scratch that, I don't give a damn personally for myself. But I do wonder if I'm some sort of freak of nature or asexual or something. Sidebar: to be sure I used the correct terminology, I wiki'd asexual and the description seems plausible. Which may only mean I'm more of a hypochondriac than previously realized... I mean, it's not like I don't fantasize. And I'm certainly attracted to men, God, sometimes they're all I think about. I also have a deluded opinion that one ought to be in love before they have sex. Go figure?

And I don't know that I've ever experienced love... which may be exactly why I have no desire to sleep around. Granted I've had my fair share of like which has amounted to nothing.

I've never really considered myself sexy either. I just can't pull it off. I can do cute. I can do confident. I can do outgoing or shy. I can do loud or smart or boisterous and happy. But sexy? Not so much...

Last Monday, however, threw me for a loop. My tango instructor, whom I thought was gay, put the moves on me. After being told I may get to teach, he introduced me to the community center manager then asked me out for a drink. Thinking along the lines of a "business" meeting to get the details, I say "Uh..... sure."

BIG MISTAKE. We start off by discussing my being a teacher, move on to how he got started as a dancer, and then he progresses from the pole dancer he dated and strip poker to threesomes, giving his son condoms for his 18th birthday, not wanting kids, not wanting to get married, living with a woman he still sleeps with but isn't committed to, being molested as a child, by a man, who forced him to watch porn, which he wanted to stipulate was not gay porn, but female porn, so that when he had his first time "with. a. woman." he wanted her to act like the woman in the porno so that he could be turned on, and when he had her masturbate for him she scared him by "squirting" which he took to mean she was peeing on him...........................






UH.....






The look on my face prompted him to ask if I were Christian. At which point I said very Christian. I am VERY Christian. But he didn't get the point. Nor did he get the point when he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said YES.

Within 20 minutes (and it was only 20 minutes) he had told me his entire sexual life history. And expected me to be impressed! Instead I jumped up at 9:15 proclaiming "OH MY GOD! The dogs! I've got to feed the dogs! They've been out all night... I gotta go!" and I ran for my car.

Now, I don't know why, but all my life I have always attracted some pretty odd characters. Each of whom feel the need to share their life histories with me. But this is the first time I've ever had ANYONE be so disgusting, crude, and suggestive to me. And as I said before. I'm. Not. Sexy. I don't come across as sexy, and I certainly don't come across as easy.

I was so disturbed I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight and woke up at 3.30am after having repetitive dream sequences (a sign that I'm sick) that are also like Chinese water torture, they drive me so crazy. I went for a jog at about 4:30am, showered and got ready for work and then called in sick because I could barely keep my eyes open.

The next two nights I drugged myself to sleep.

And my friend, the desperate one who wants me to meet guys online, said "Oh well... it's experience" and then "Well it's over now, you just have to let it go..."

SAYS THE GIRL WHO INSISTED ON TELLING ME EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT HOW AWFUL IT WAS FOR HER WHEN THE GUY SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH BUT WASN'T "DATING" CHEATED ON HER (IF YOU CAN EVEN CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU AREN'T COMMITTED TO)!!!!

For nearly a month straight! And I can't have a week or two to wrap my head around the 40 year old perv who wanted to whisper disgusting somethings in my ear??????

Deep breath... deeeeeeep bbrreeaatthh...

Okay, so yeah back to my original point. I'm kind of over sex and dating. I was thinking about this in the shower the other day. That if I were ever to date anyone, it would be because I thought there was a chance for something more. Casual flings just aren't my thing. I'm too traditional. I want romance and friendship and loyalty and trust. What's the point if there isn't that? Does that mean I'm a freak?

Suffice it to say, I'm perfectly happy not dealing with all that crap right now. I want to be my own person before I have to be someone else. Plus, I have a list of things I want to do and with my abandonment issues and everything else; I don't know if it would be possible to accomplish it all when I am tied down to one place.

Plus, and I may have said this before, I don't crush all that easy. Yes, I see several guys and think "Wow, they're hot!" I may even think "Damn, I'd do them!" Haha... but in reality, I've only ever liked 4 guys. In my entire life. I have only seriously considered 4 guys as potentials. God, no wonder I'm such a loner...

And a long time ago, I decided that the only way anyone is going to like me is when I like myself. So I'm focusing on that. And even though last week I gave up on dieting, I'm back on track this week and feeling good.

I need another target to work towards. Running the PHX1/2 was such an accomplishment for me. Considering a year ago I couldn't finish 15 minutes without dying. When I hit the 12 mile marker I wanted to give up... a power walker was moving faster than me!! But when I came into the 13th mile and the finish line was .1 mile away - I could see it, hear the music - I started to cry with relief. I had to physically tell myself to get a grip because I was about to choke on the emotions welling up inside me. Sprinting into the finish line was the most amazing feeling.

I need another of those. I want to run the Detroit 1/2 in October, but what can I do in the meantime? Perhaps find a new hobby?? Bellydancing? I've never done that before... or hula perhaps!

I bought myself tulips. I love tulips. They're yellow with flashes of red. I put them in a mason jar. They make me happy. When I get married I'm going to have tulips. When I have a baby there will be tulips. Lots of bright yellow tulips. White tulips. Red tulips. Sunshine and beautiful flowers in glass jars.

I also want a dress. And new shoes, and jeans, and a whole new wardrobe. I'm getting sick of my clothes. They aren't pretty.

My hair is getting long though. Gave myself a trim today... it was needed.

Now to focus on my future. Resume writing, job hunting, and daydreaming about having adventures in foreign lands.

Stuck on Korean Dramas (they really have the market cornered on romantic comedies/dramas) and eating Asian food. Need to learn some recipes so I can use my chopsticks!

New Favorite Song:

And now... to bed :) Thanks for listening!

So Tired! So So Tired....

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I'm just tired. I should probably be asleep rather than typing this up, but whatever.

This weekend was draining and annoying and wonderful and bad all at once.

But lets start at the beginning: My PSO "friends" came down for the weekend and because last time was so horrible I tried to stipulate that they could only stay one night. Saturday.

I really just wanted to have a nice quiet Friday night and sleep in on Saturday. Wake up when I wanted, make breakfast, lounge, rejuvenate, before the crowd arrived and I had to wake up super early on Sunday.

I got an email saying that they would come Friday night and stay in a Hotel on Saturday (YAY!), but wanted to go out, and another girl was going to come too................    uh, ooohhhkay... fine. That's fine. Whatever. (ps: I had swimmers ear on Thursday and all Friday and felt way tired and sore throaty)

They show up and rather than the 3 expected, there are 4. My eyes begin to bulge. Oh lord.

My other friend from PSO meets us and we all start getting ready to go out and I'm thinking "I don't want to go, I don't want to go!" However, getting spruced up is helping me catch a second wind, and I start to feel better as far as my "illness" goes. A sixth VISTA shows up and we all head out to the bar. And I'm praying they don't go over board like last time...

Thankfully, we had a good time and no one got wasted. But I was still dreading the sleeping situation. I need sleep! A lot of sleep! In order to maintain my cheery disposition I get around 9 and a half hours on a daily basis. I can't function otherwise. But the weekends are my days for catching up, I need to have a solid 10 or 12 hours or I am too tired the following week.

I sleep a LOT!

So I was hoping I could get some Saturday morning, but no... I got 6.

And those guests? Yea, they woke me up. And I tried to be blatantly obvious that I wanted down time before Sunday but they kept pushing me and pushing me. I was about ready to snap!

Eventually I came out and said, no, I'm not going out.

Then Saturday night, I had to deal with the one girl who I can actually tolerate on a more regular basis. She's great but kinda... clingy? No, wrong word... um a leach? Better but not so harsh...

Basically, she uses my internet but instead of communing in the same room but doing different stuff, she pretends to be my roommate. Only... she isn't my roommate. I can't be comfortable when she's around the corner lounging on my bed, using my internet, eating the food I made for dinner, and not even bothering to consider how I feel or to include me in whatever it is she's doing. She talks on the phone out on my balcony while I'm in the apartment as if that's okay. And really, honestly... I wouldn't care if it were a once in a while type deal. But if the phone rings, she answers it every time!! And talks for hours at a time.

Tonight (Sunday) she was on the phone for 3 hours without considering how I felt about it... on MY balcony!! But I will get back to this part of the story.

So, I finally get everyone off my back for 2 hours of down time while I run errands, do laundry, cook dinner, and said friend sleeps.

But she wakes up and eats my meal and listens to her headphones and I'm about ready for bed and she goes outside to talk on her phone. [Insert eye roll]

She doesn't get to bed until 1:20. I know this because she woke me up. I woke up again at 3am and 3:45am.

And the reason for wanting a decent night's sleep? I had to be up at 5:30 so I could shower and dress and chauffeur the girls at the hotel to the finish line of MY FIRST HALF MARATHON!!!! (yay!!! this is the only redeeming aspect of my weekend).

Yes, I did say chauffeur. Basically no one wanted to pick us up from the finish line, so I had to wake up extra early so we could drop the car off and shuttle to the start (even though the start was within walking distance of the hotel). Fine, whatever... because it's hypocritical of me to resent driving when I wanted someone else to be a chauffeur to me. So I drove no complaints.

But after the race, they didn't wait for me. I ended up driving back to my apartment on my own. So really, they could have given me a lift too and saved me some ZZzzs and gas mileage. But you know what. I'm way glad they didn't bother because I got to go home and relax while they did who knows what.

Then when they are all suppose to just go home, they come back to my apartment!!!!!!!!!!!! And just lounge and talk too loud and everything. While said friend gets back on her phone (re: Tonight's issue).

It takes them another hour of "debating what to do" [insert scowl of incredulousness]. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THEY COULD BE SO INCONSIDERATE AND EXPECT ME TO HOST THEM ANY LONGER WHEN I ALL BUT TOLD THEM TO LEAVE!!!  I was at my wits end, and am glad I held it together long enough not to snap.

They left, after I explained I would be going to bed shortly.

And this is where said friend comes into the mix. Normally I don't mind her at all (kind of). I can tolerate her sort of rude behavior because we get along well and have interesting convos for the most part. But today I just wanted her gone... GONE! So I could relax in my most comfortable state and not have to listen to her breathing, or tapping away at her computer, or laughing at some joke I have no clue about because she's in the next room over with her headphones on. But she won't leave. I wait a full hour and a half after the girls leave and debate with my friend in Chicago about how to kick her out as politely as possible. I'm literally about to cry with frustration.

My friend says to just tell her straight out. So I work up the courage and I do. I interrupt her phone call and ask "Hey, um, when were you thinking of heading out?" All nervous and lame.

And she looks taken back and confused and kind of put out (YES... PUT. OUT.) Well looky here! IT'S MY APARTMENT AND YOU'RE PUTTING ME OUT AND YOU'VE OVER STAYED YOUR WELCOME AND YOU KNOW WHAT... JUST LEAVE!!!!!!!

I don't say this... instead I apologize. She closes the door again to finish her phone call before coming in to pack up. Only, I can hear through the wall, but she doesn't know this. I hear here complaining about me to her friend. And I'm thinking partially - you know what? Don't even! I've done so much and yes I'm antisocial but it's because I don't really like the other VISTAs - and partially - oh god... she hates me.

When she comes back in I basically explain myself and touch on all the points she brought up in the phone call.

- I'm an introvert, I can't handle people for vast amounts of time and when I'm already tired from a long week of dealing with people I just need to be alone... to refresh and rejuvenate.
- I'm not a partier and never will be and while yes I do enjoy an occasional night out, I don't want to deal with those people after the fact, the next morning, the next afternoon, the day after that!!
- I dislike 2 of the others and although I enjoyed one of the surprise roommates, she was still a bit much.
- I am a control freak and can't handle other people stepping in my bubble. I need space and room to do as I please.
- I'm slightly OCD about other people's messes and...
- I was raised with perfect manners. If my mother ever found out I did anything like what those girls did to me, she'd have killed me. I'm extremely respectful of other people's property, space, thoughts and opinions... usually to the point of holding in my own just to avoid conflict. I just can't imagine treating my host in the way they treated me: leaving trash on my couch? Inviting random guests? Trying to kick me out of my own apartment so they could have fun on Saturday without "waking us up"???? Planning the weekend around what they wanted to do regardless of how I felt about it (and I am usually very lenient... aka going out on Friday when I was sick so they could have a DD)??

Does any of that sound okay to you? God I hope not, otherwise you are not welcome at my apartment either!

This is my personal space. This is where I come to be myself. This is my private sanctuary away from crazy work issues and the scum of Arizona! DO NOT DISRESPECT ME OR MY SPACE...

Or you won't be back. And they will NOT be back. Trust me!

(post script: I'll write about the PHX1/2 tomorrow, perhaps. But expect a bit more complaining because this may not be out of my system by then)

New Year, New Calendar, New Resolutions

I just finished making blackened tilapia with a garlic lime butter sauce, roasted broccoli and parmesan, and bruschetta with fresh mozzarella. 500 calories. Huge portions. Very very delicious.

That is my goal. To eat good food. To eat a lot of it. To eat whenever I'm hungry. To eat until I'm full. And to do it while losing weight. How can such a thing be possible, you ask? It's my new recipe book: Easy and Awesome 350-Calorie Meals.

I knew I wanted to be healthier this year, food wise. Last year, my resolution was to get my A into G (aka get my rear end off the couch and up and moving). Re: my last post... I was successful! To a point.

I obviously eat way too much and of the wrong foods. I don't get enough of a balance of protein and veggies. And I eat way too many white calories (ie sugars, enriched flour, etc etc). But the trouble was I am also lazy... and busy. I don't really want to spend hours in the kitchen worrying about cooking. Making a mess. Having to clean up dishes.

Although admittedly, I do enjoy cooking.

So when I came across this book in the bookstore, I fell in love with the idea that I could cook a fast meal under a certain calorie set and then just eat all I want of it. I bought the book immediately, along with another recipe book that follows the same lines (with less side comments/learning material). I now have over 500 recipes to try. Like the one above!

My New Year's Resolution, then, is: To eat healthier. To cook those meals. And to exercise as much as possible.

To do those, I plan to track it all with my new calendar (pictures of simplicity - beautiful and stark images of abandoned, rundown, sunny, empty, wide open and enclosed spaces)! I am going to spend time planning recipes and times when I can make things... even if it's all in advance. Then I will have no excuse for not making healthy and fulfilling choices. Nor will I forget to continue running (already have the Phx1/2 marked). I will jog as many days as I can, when I'm not tired or just need a break.

Obviously I won't be as much of a stickler as I was last year, but I think now that I have the hang of staying active, I can focus on something equally important. Plus, I've hit a plateau and I need to make other changes in my life. According to my new book healthy eating habits will allow you to loose 3/4 of the weight you'd like to see lost as opposed to the 1/4 you can shed by only exercise.

With that in mind, I will continue to keep up that 1/4, but augment it with at least another 1/4 (let's face it, this isn't something I can change over night...) of healthy eating.

And hopefully, now that I've plateaued a mere 13 pounds from my goal weight (technically 33 pounds but the next 13 or so I've been trying to loose for a damn long time... the other 20 give or take are just a healthy aspiration to keep me motivated), making some changes in my gluttonous lifestyle will be the nudge I need!

So here's to a wonderful new experience... aka learning to cook some delicious meals! And hopefully this time next year I'll not only be an amazing chef but also a few pounds lighter!!

Happy New Years!