Prayer

Dear Lord

I feel like this blog has become an outpost for my prayers, but it's easier to organize thoughts in writing and I don't have my notebook on hand. So...

Dear Lord

I'm so lonely. I don't know how it's possible to need people and still hate being around them. I'm impatient and intolerant. I'm stubborn, hate sharing, hate following orders. I can't stand most people for longer than a handful of days at a time. I care about people, though, don't get me wrong. As much as I say I hate my mother, I don't really. I just need space. I also hate being dependent on others when at this time in my life I ought to be self-sufficient. It's hard to believe I only have two friends that I talk to on a regular basis. Sad, that I feel as if neither of them truly cares about me. I'm so often let down... I feel lost most of the time and bored and depressed as if I'm wasting my life away. Every moment is precious and what do I have to show for the past 6 - 7 months? Nothing, no career, no adventures, no accomplishments.

One could say that I need to appreciate the small things in life. And I do! Rock climbing and running and spending time with Sis and using my camera and catching animals at the zoo doing funny things and all of that... but where are the big things? I'm not making a contribution to anything. I feel as if I'm worthless. That if I were to die tomorrow no one would mourn my loss... and even my parents would get over it quickly enough. That's not to say I want to die or to become famous so that I am mourned. No, what I'm asking is for what purpose am I alive. Why was I put here at this time and in this place. Why do I feel so adrift? What's anchoring me? How can I change? When can I meet new people? Why do I have such a passion to do something and no will power to get up and do it?

I feel so different from everyone else. Like I'm an outsider looking in. I feel immature and mature all at the same time. I feel as if everyone I know has skewed priorities. Why do some people think going out and drinking is the be all end all? Why do some people think getting married and having children is it for them? Who is setting these standards? Why are they standards? Why do I have to follow them? What can I do to ensure that I experience these things without being trapped by them? I'm already in a rut... I'm already alone in the world...

Why would you program me to want things that I can't have? What am I here for? What's my purpose?

Please Lord, I ask that you forgive me my sins, remove my doubt and instill a purpose in me. Please Lord, tell me what my purpose is and help me to accept it and achieve it. Please Lord, let me reach my own life goals in the process... I want to help, I want to meet people, I want to have a family of my own, I want to change the world, I want to see things and experience things that no one else has but I want to be able to share these with someone who can understand. I want the small things... a best friend, a lover, an apartment, a house, a place to run, a healthy lifestyle. I want out of this rut. Please Lord, help me get out of my rut. Help me to fulfill my potential.

In Jesus' name,
I love you
Amen

What Fucking Assholes!

Chicago is full of them... men and women who make it in the world by screwing and screwing over EVERYONE else. Add to that list one Martin J. Kennelly, Jr. - Administrative Law Officer # 067

The fucking asshole who couldn't even have the common decency to read my claim, let alone acquit me of the charge. The charge being: Parking during street cleaning hours... which is an amazing feat considering I WASN'T EVEN IN CHICAGO!!! That assfuck Kennelly denied my claim stating that I have "asserted that the signs prohibiting parking or standing were not properly posted or were obscured at the time the violation was issued..." How is that even possible when I SENT A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE VERY SIGN IN QUESTION AS EVIDENCE IN DEFENSE OF MY CASE?!?!?! If I were able to locate the sign to photograph it and send it in, why the fucking hell would I claim I couldn't see it????? Why would I send a receipt time stamped in Springfield, IL (a town 3 hours outside chicago) at 3.35pm (half an hour after the end of street cleaning hours) as evidence in defense of my claim????

So now, in order to satisfy every wanking, ass fucking, delinquent at the Circuit Court of Cook County I have to pay $50! Not much in comparison, but enough to send me further into debt over some dick head's Fucktastic MISTAKE! ...assuming it was a mistake and not a ploy to swindle innocent people out of money! Scratch that, I have no doubt in my mind that the people of Chicago are crooked money swindlers who deserve to rot in hell... every last one!

Oh Lord

Dear Lord

Yet again I find myself writing for your help and advice. The H has decided to befriend me again.... whoopee! And since the start of our "making up," I have been on edge and negative. I don't want to be their friend again. I really don't. Everything they say is negative or mean or lined with a hidden meaning... even if it isn't... that's how I'm taking it. Because that's what I've become accustom to and I know people don't change. I don't want to tell them anything personal about my life because they'll either A) ignore it and move on B) criticize it or C) want to delve deeper and I hate sharing my feelings.

What I really want, Lord, is to move! I want that job in DC and I want to pack up my stuff today and get out of this house. Thank you, that my parents are leaving for two weeks. This will give me two weeks of stress free living... but what I really want, Lord, is my own apartment and all the stress that comes with it!

Please make Billeck and Parkinson contact me this week and tell me that I am A) hired! or B) being called for an interview... after which I will be hired! I need the money to pay off my loans. I need the change in my life...

I'm suffering from ennui, and I feel like I'm in a rut. My two friends... BAH haha! My only real friend atm is SD... the others don't include me in anything or care that I try to. So, SD is my only real friend and while they've has stopped being as flaky as they can be, they're still far away and our communication never works well online. I need to meet new people, Lord. I need to "strike out on my own" and find a handful of good good friends. And they have to be interested in doing things: rock climbing, photography, painting, running amok! It's great to have friends who say they enjoy stuff (E) but never do it! I would really really really love a group of people to reenact with... in my new area, obviously (preferably Virginia etc) :D

Please help me, Lord. And I'm all in favor of helping myself, which is why step one: pack up stuff in room... step two: contact both locations again!.... step three (and one of my harder steps): conduct research into companies and job descriptions so I can nail any future possible interviews! and step four: MOVE!!! after which I can then contact some civ. groups to join :D See how simple it is?!?! Now please bless this process, make it happen for me, Lord.