My dad is probably the best dad in the world. Sure he has his temper and can be kind of a dunce, but that's what makes him endearing. His existence is also the most likely reason why I'm single. Let's face it, no one can compare to my dad. He's hilarious and handy (no really! he can build anything), can cook, clean, loves children, plays the guitar, is an artist, extremely intelligent, has a pension for sci/fi, flies airplanes, and loves me unconditionally.
I have memories of him coming to my rescue with band-aids aplenty. For instance, while building our deck Dad told me repeatedly not to walk across the support beams because I could fall (a la Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz). Of course I didn't listen and I fell off a support beam, landing flat on my back with no time to back peddle or brace my fall. It knocked the wind right out of me; and before I have time to catch my breath and cry, I see him racing towards me with this terrified look like I'd really hurt myself and his hair billowing out around his face. My first coherent thought was that he looked like Brave Heart Lion (give me a break, I was 9) and that I had to make him sure I was okay. I didn't cry.
And there are others from the time I skinned my knee on the sidewalk after refusing to go to bed until he said he loved me and goodnight... to most recently, telling me I can always come home because he didn't want to see me fail.
If Mom gave me her rebellious streak and propensity to forget things, then Dad gave me everything else. I have a feeling I'm going to have to significantly lower my standards, unless God decides to pull out all the stops.
Monday, May 10, 2010
A Thought
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Twice today alone, in fact, at completely random and unrelated moments. Actually, I don't know what made me think of it this morning but tonight... we were watching Adam (2009) in which a man with Asberger's Syndrome meets a woman and they sort of fall in love. I say "sort of" since I don't think Adam understands the concept of love, and the woman didn't want to let herself fall in love with a man who couldn't quite love her back.
My friend's roommate posed the question would either of us be able to handle a guy with Asberger's. I'm not sure if I could or not... but that isn't really the point. The point is, the guy in the movie was adorable. He made seemingly huge, grand gestures of love simply because he thought to try and help the woman. Well, that got me thinking about my thought this morning, and I decided the topic must be worthy of a post.
This morning I thought to myself that all I really want is to be taken care of. And I wonder if this is true for most women... I can only assume it is. Not necessarily financially taken care of, but in small ways.
When I put my life under review, some of (not all... I'm not that desperate) my most pleasant memories are of men who have "taken care of me." Including memories of my dad, but those I will address in a sidebar and will exclude for the purposes of this discussion.
The handful of memories left when I pull out the ones about Dad range from small things to big, from guys I liked to guys about whom I didn't give a second thought. It didn't matter who or what or why, what mattered (and the reason I cherish these memories) was that someone cared about me. Hence the verbiage - to TAKE care... It really is the sexiest thing any man can do. And maybe this just means I'm selfish (whatever), but knowing that someone else cares makes me feel amazing, confident, safe, sexy.
And that's all I really want (okay okay, I mean all I really want aside from real life stuff like a job, etc). I love (and hate) the emotional roller coaster of having a crush, because moments when the Man of Your Desires goes out of his way to lavish you with care and comfort makes your heart jump a little. Electric shock waves radiating from where he puts a coat around you (because you're cold) or when he swipes a strand of hair out of your face (because it keeps whipping you painfully in the eye). I'll stop before this becomes a romance novel because I think you get my point.
He could be doing anything... like refusing to let you carry a box even though it isn't that heavy! and he'll raise that blood pressure because instead of playing it casual, keeping his cool, watching a baseball game, or any number of things, he's thinking of you. Sigh...
Which brings me back to Adam. He couldn't relate to other people. He just wasn't hardwired that way. However, during the movie, he spent a fair amount of time doing things for the woman because logically, they needed doing and he wanted to be nice. Like, bringing her coffee because she would be tired after staying out all night with him. Or, washing her windows because she said she couldn't see out. Each and every time, my heart leapt into my throat at how wonderfully romantic and neurotic Adam was.
So when the roommate asked her question, I wanted to ask... Which is worse: a guy who can understand exactly how you feel but doesn't bother or a guy who can't but tries very hard to understand?
My friend's roommate posed the question would either of us be able to handle a guy with Asberger's. I'm not sure if I could or not... but that isn't really the point. The point is, the guy in the movie was adorable. He made seemingly huge, grand gestures of love simply because he thought to try and help the woman. Well, that got me thinking about my thought this morning, and I decided the topic must be worthy of a post.
This morning I thought to myself that all I really want is to be taken care of. And I wonder if this is true for most women... I can only assume it is. Not necessarily financially taken care of, but in small ways.
When I put my life under review, some of (not all... I'm not that desperate) my most pleasant memories are of men who have "taken care of me." Including memories of my dad, but those I will address in a sidebar and will exclude for the purposes of this discussion.
The handful of memories left when I pull out the ones about Dad range from small things to big, from guys I liked to guys about whom I didn't give a second thought. It didn't matter who or what or why, what mattered (and the reason I cherish these memories) was that someone cared about me. Hence the verbiage - to TAKE care... It really is the sexiest thing any man can do. And maybe this just means I'm selfish (whatever), but knowing that someone else cares makes me feel amazing, confident, safe, sexy.
And that's all I really want (okay okay, I mean all I really want aside from real life stuff like a job, etc). I love (and hate) the emotional roller coaster of having a crush, because moments when the Man of Your Desires goes out of his way to lavish you with care and comfort makes your heart jump a little. Electric shock waves radiating from where he puts a coat around you (because you're cold) or when he swipes a strand of hair out of your face (because it keeps whipping you painfully in the eye). I'll stop before this becomes a romance novel because I think you get my point.
He could be doing anything... like refusing to let you carry a box even though it isn't that heavy! and he'll raise that blood pressure because instead of playing it casual, keeping his cool, watching a baseball game, or any number of things, he's thinking of you. Sigh...
Which brings me back to Adam. He couldn't relate to other people. He just wasn't hardwired that way. However, during the movie, he spent a fair amount of time doing things for the woman because logically, they needed doing and he wanted to be nice. Like, bringing her coffee because she would be tired after staying out all night with him. Or, washing her windows because she said she couldn't see out. Each and every time, my heart leapt into my throat at how wonderfully romantic and neurotic Adam was.
So when the roommate asked her question, I wanted to ask... Which is worse: a guy who can understand exactly how you feel but doesn't bother or a guy who can't but tries very hard to understand?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Every Time.... EVERY. TIME.
Harsh words. I can feel them and I just want to scream until every single one is out of me. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I... don't hate you. I just get so frustrated when you do that to me! Why? I try and try and still nothing. No response. And when I confront you about it you get all defensive so I can't confront you about it. It pisses me off. WHAT IS THE MATTER!? TELL ME!! Don't just bottle it up and leave me guessing. I can't read minds. And the worst bit... you expect me to tell all! And you pout when I don't divulge things and then I feel bad. I. FEEL... GAH!!!!!!
DO YOU??? AT ALL??? ASIDE FROM SELF PITY?? DOES ANYTHING MAKE YOU HAPPY OR EXCITED OR RELIEVED OR GAH!! I don't care! PICK ONE!
There are things in this world that make me happy just because they exist. Small things, things that are over looked by most people. I don't know why but sometimes it's a word or the shape of something or its color. It could be odd or unusual, or maybe it comes standard. It could be sound like the sound of the wind blowing over the street signs - each pole humming like a musical instrument. Or a feeling, like paper bags when they're all folded up and envelopes, too, with crisp edges.
I enjoy things big and small, good and bad, simply because they remind me to live. To experience.
Do you ever have moments like this? Does anything in this world make you stop and thank God you are alive to experience this one event in your life? That if everything else were a failure, you would still be able to say you lived? You never tell me about those moments. I tell you mine all the time and you brush them off like they're unimportant. They aren't unimportant. They make life worth living.
DO YOU??? AT ALL??? ASIDE FROM SELF PITY?? DOES ANYTHING MAKE YOU HAPPY OR EXCITED OR RELIEVED OR GAH!! I don't care! PICK ONE!
There are things in this world that make me happy just because they exist. Small things, things that are over looked by most people. I don't know why but sometimes it's a word or the shape of something or its color. It could be odd or unusual, or maybe it comes standard. It could be sound like the sound of the wind blowing over the street signs - each pole humming like a musical instrument. Or a feeling, like paper bags when they're all folded up and envelopes, too, with crisp edges.
I enjoy things big and small, good and bad, simply because they remind me to live. To experience.
Do you ever have moments like this? Does anything in this world make you stop and thank God you are alive to experience this one event in your life? That if everything else were a failure, you would still be able to say you lived? You never tell me about those moments. I tell you mine all the time and you brush them off like they're unimportant. They aren't unimportant. They make life worth living.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I want these things...
So I love to run, right? I recently twisted my ankle (and by recent I mean about a month and a half ago) and have finally been able to get out and run again. When it first happened I was devastated because running has become my life since Christmas - since I made my New Years Resolution (re: Things To Be Thankful For). I love to run... or rather, I love that I run. That I can run. Actually, the running bit kind of pisses me off because I go so slow and sort of plod along.
But when I'm done! That's the best feeling in the world. I've achieved something, and I can mark it in my calendar and see my progress. I can race against myself... go a little farther or get there a little faster than the day before. And then there is the whole running "culture" that comes with it. It's a... lifestyle change? That sounds so Self Help Book, but it's true! When I run, I want to eat healthier and I drink more water (and when I don't I can tell that I need to) and I make protein shakes and I read about running and think about running and... well the list goes on.
Basically, now that I've started back with the running (which had previously been replaced with using an elliptical), I want more gear! Gear to match my "lifestyle change." I love my running shoes like I love my figure skates. You see, after spending 4 years in the same leather on the same blades... you get to know the feel. Each scratch and scuff has a story. They're your old friends, put them on and you're coming home. My running shoes are like that now. So now I feel the need to make new friends as it were.
Two things: 1) a sports bra and 2) jogging pants that support your ligaments. I want I want I want!
beautiful pants
Tell me you don't want them, too!
But when I'm done! That's the best feeling in the world. I've achieved something, and I can mark it in my calendar and see my progress. I can race against myself... go a little farther or get there a little faster than the day before. And then there is the whole running "culture" that comes with it. It's a... lifestyle change? That sounds so Self Help Book, but it's true! When I run, I want to eat healthier and I drink more water (and when I don't I can tell that I need to) and I make protein shakes and I read about running and think about running and... well the list goes on.
Basically, now that I've started back with the running (which had previously been replaced with using an elliptical), I want more gear! Gear to match my "lifestyle change." I love my running shoes like I love my figure skates. You see, after spending 4 years in the same leather on the same blades... you get to know the feel. Each scratch and scuff has a story. They're your old friends, put them on and you're coming home. My running shoes are like that now. So now I feel the need to make new friends as it were.
Two things: 1) a sports bra and 2) jogging pants that support your ligaments. I want I want I want!
beautiful pants
Tell me you don't want them, too!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Moving In
So I can't decide how living with them will turn out. I'm constantly on edge, worried that I'll do something wrong, worried that they'll explode. Plus I hate the feeling of being indebted to someone. Letting them cover the cost of something like lunch because they say they want to eat out and I say I can't afford it. How can I ever pay them back if it keeps piling up? First it's I want to eat out, don't worry about it... then it's oh I bought milk use as much as you want... ARGH just stop it!! I feel... too dependent. And the whole point of this venture was to be independent.
Then our temperaments are so different! I was talking to my sis on video chat... bad idea. She hates them and so I immediately point out that they're in the room with me so she "plays nice." But she's still giving me these looks - looks I can read as if she's speaking out loud. Well... anyway... we start talking about some important things: mother's day issues, job hunting etc. And intermittently, they pipe up with comments like "Why do you guys even have to buy it together?" "Oh that's mean" and I try to be nice explaining that it's what we do, no questions asked... that she isn't being mean, it's her sense of humor. Then they stalk off. I'm sitting there having a hard time corralling my sis and trying to include them in the convo, and now I have to worry I've offended them!
They have to realize I lead a quasi private life. I mean... I like my alone time. I want to talk to my friends online. I don't always want to chitchat. But they seem so touchy! Like if I text too much or type too much, I'm ignoring them. Then it feels like I'm using them which brings me back to my first point - how am I suppose to pay them back when they offer to let me stay for free for a month???
I don't know... I'm just rambling. Maybe I read too much into things, but why are they always so touchy about the most random and stupid things?! Me and my sister get along great and I know when she's kidding and when she's serious and I know how to stand up for myself... ESPECIALLY with her!! If I felt she was nagging or whatnot, I wouldn't have put up with it. So don't go on about how we should change our yearly gift giving strategy or how "mean" she's being. And don't storm off just because I'm not focusing on you or agreeing with you or really just need a moment to myself! GAH!!
Then our temperaments are so different! I was talking to my sis on video chat... bad idea. She hates them and so I immediately point out that they're in the room with me so she "plays nice." But she's still giving me these looks - looks I can read as if she's speaking out loud. Well... anyway... we start talking about some important things: mother's day issues, job hunting etc. And intermittently, they pipe up with comments like "Why do you guys even have to buy it together?" "Oh that's mean" and I try to be nice explaining that it's what we do, no questions asked... that she isn't being mean, it's her sense of humor. Then they stalk off. I'm sitting there having a hard time corralling my sis and trying to include them in the convo, and now I have to worry I've offended them!
They have to realize I lead a quasi private life. I mean... I like my alone time. I want to talk to my friends online. I don't always want to chitchat. But they seem so touchy! Like if I text too much or type too much, I'm ignoring them. Then it feels like I'm using them which brings me back to my first point - how am I suppose to pay them back when they offer to let me stay for free for a month???
I don't know... I'm just rambling. Maybe I read too much into things, but why are they always so touchy about the most random and stupid things?! Me and my sister get along great and I know when she's kidding and when she's serious and I know how to stand up for myself... ESPECIALLY with her!! If I felt she was nagging or whatnot, I wouldn't have put up with it. So don't go on about how we should change our yearly gift giving strategy or how "mean" she's being. And don't storm off just because I'm not focusing on you or agreeing with you or really just need a moment to myself! GAH!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)