I..... New York

Ah New York... I love the culture... the subway... the food... the shopping


I pretty much hate everything else.

The noise, the smell, the price of EVERYTHING! (except maybe for those knock offs in Chinatown)...

I miss green grass and driving my car and being able to walk down a street without being pummeled by wind and people.

I'm also bored out of my mind! I want to experience new things... but I get stuck dragging my friend to all the tourist traps. GAH!!!

M is for....

So my friend came to visit. I was so worried the week would be a bust... and was praying that if we didn't have fun we'd at least get along better than me and The Dep. But it was soooo much more fun than that!!!

God I love that boy... they just make me so happy! It was such an ego boost having them here. And omg they smell SO good! Is it wrong that I haven't moved back into my room just so I can still have that scent around?

We totally partied all weekend. They've got this way about them... they're just sexy.... Honestly, I am not attracted to them in any sort of "I-want-to-date-you" way. It's more a "you-are-like-a-lost-puppy-but-ten-times-hotter-and-with-a-sense-of-humor-and-smell-really-good" sort of way. I just like to look :D hehe

And when they left, it felt like I was loosing Hattie all over again (just not as painful). I miss them and their damn good smelling cologne. I hope they don't hate me and I hope they come back to visit sometime soon....

...or to stay!

(ps.... on a slightly unrelated note, I've decided to flat with a guy and not a girl when I get my own apartment. It will be a ton more interesting and with a whole lot fewer cat fights I think.)

What God says is best...

Okay, in the Bible, God tells us to "turn the other cheek." The metaphor that explains how to repress anger and stand up for ourselves and get over it. He also tells us to "forgive those who trespass against us." So I strive hard to let my anger go and forgive the people who have hurt me in some way or another.

But I was talking with a friend who is a very confrontational person. In a situation where I would send a zinger to get back at someone or tell a joke to diffuse the tension... keep my anger and embarrassment to myself... then let it go a day or two later. They prefer to ignore the situation then confront the person head on. They hold grudges for days... for weeks... longer still. And expects an apology or the person to agree with them.

Now I don't know but that doesn't seem healthy to me. They say that sending zingers is sinking to the other persons level, but isn't drudging a conflict up days or even weeks later just as bad?

I would rather let my feelings be known at the time or forever hold my peace. Whereas, they prefer to attack the trespasser and force them to explain themselves (when sometimes said trespasser doesn't even know what they've done!).

So, God, which is worse? Holding a grudge til Kingdom come or zinging someone then getting over it? Either way I try. I vent so I don't explode, but for the most part... I don't let things phase me. And I certainly don't hold someone's behavior over their heads! I try hard to understand them from their perspective, whether I'm right or wrong. And in most cases I get where they're coming from. In the situations I can't (for instance my mother who I will never understand!) I get mad... get physical or emotional or whatever... then get over it!

I LET IT GO!!!

deep breath in with the good
exhale the bad!!

We aren't really friends are we...

I was running from Happy Hour this past Friday. No, literally... running as fast as I could away from everyone. It was a nice way to clear my head. Sometimes when I start thinking too much about what I want and what I don't have or about what I did instead of what I should have done, I start getting depressed. And really, the only things that help are praying and getting my mind off the subject. So as I was being laughed at by my friends, surreptitiously hiding my disgusting face, suffocating in cigarette smoke, trying to listen to conversations over way-too-loud 80s pop music, and failing miserably at life in general, I was sinking into despair. So I got up and left... left without paying my bill, too! I felt like an idiot to begin with and that was just the cherry on top.

But it didn't end there. I missed my damn bus. So I couldn't even make a fast get away!

So I ran...

and as I was running I thought to myself. What the hell is wrong with me? and why doesn't life ever work as planned? and why can I strike up a convo with random strangers, but can't seem to hold a convo with my so called friends?

I ran until the wind made my eyes water, or until I was crying - I'm not sure. I was winded too, but I kept running. I wanted to get away from that person I was trying to be but couldn't. I was trying to get away from the people who made me act like that. Why do I act like that?! I can't seem to be normal... I don't want to be laughed at for being me.

I was wearing a hat... one that I like... a DAMN HAT... and they wouldn't leave me alone about it! How would they react to the real me if they couldn't even shut up about a stupid hat?? And it's not like I can tell them to leave off it, cuz they'd either a) think it was childish of me to overreact or b) laugh even harder... or both.

After the running I felt better, but not by much. I wanted The Sis. I still do... Having her is like a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. We get along like best friends, but when we don't we can yell at each other all we want and not have to worry about hurting each others feelings... because we're related and even if we hate one another to death, we're stuck like glue. Its nice to have that kind of stability. Especially when The H is ignoring me and S is so flippin inconsistent and no one else cares.

I got home and the Rents were watching Jeopardy:

Larry David said "I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with."

- What is Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Thanks Alex...

Well, it's true. I don't... actually I don't like people in general. I push them away. I don't like when they get too close and I don't like how they make me feel without my permission.

25... or not

So S decided it would be cool to write a note about 25 random things. But instead of jumping on the bandwagon they wrote 25 things about other people...

This all stems from a stupid chain letter like thread on FB that caught on "like wildfire." Actually this is a reiteration of a previous thread that required the writer to write 1 anonymous comment about 25 other people. So you'd end up being tagged in the note and would have to guess which comment was about you. The newer version is all about you. 25 ways to brag about yourself. I didn't like the idea to begin with. It seemed too self absorbed. I did it anyway... and then I realized it was retarded and deleted it a few days later. I didn't like that anyone could read about me and judge me for being a braggart.

S, they did it the right way. They wrote 1 thing about 25 people, but specified who the comment was for. Not only did you get to see what they wrote about you (and nice things of course) you got to learn a little bit about someone else from a different perspective than your own.

And because I'm a hypocrite and in a snarky mood... I will write a comment about each of my so called friends, but I won't post it on FB but on here... so I can't be accused of being a copy cat. And so here I go.


The Sis - Crazy, annoying, and recently very hilarious! I love her to death and sometimes can't stand her... she has gotten better over the years and has developed the most interesting sense of humor. I think we're much closer friends and am glad we relate better to each other.

SD - as wishy washy as ever... but I understand them a bit better. We have a lot of the same issues and self doubts. I just wish they'd gain a bit more self confidence because they're really funny and entertaining. Also, I have this habit of clinging to them I think... because of our shared phobias. I need to get over that because a lot of the time they let me down.

The H - the nickname says it all. They talks incessantly about themself and ignores most of the comments I make. The worst part is I can't stop being friends with them. I think I need them too much. I'm afraid I won't have anyone if I didn't have them. And sometimes... they come through and it's alright. But sometimes they're a total jerk!

S - Is brilliant. Honestly, and really nice for the most part. But they have a short tolerance span, and I think after a while they just gets annoyed with me. They seem extremely mature and sometimes I just don't fit in with them. But I always feel special when I do, because they're really smart and can be such a help.

L - Very sweet and tolerating. And encouraging! When I tell them some of the dumb stuff I've done, they always has an anecdote to throw in about themself. They're so down to earth and interesting. I wish they'd talk more... I would like to get to know more about them.

BQ - extremely nice and helpful and caring... except when they're a bit tipsy. They wear the coolest clothes and have such a sense of style and personality. I don't know much personal stuff about them, but what I do know I like. And when we get the chance to talk just us, she always has some great advice.

P - Their own person. They does what they want and don't really listen to what anyone says. They're blunt and tell it like it is... so you can pretty much trust what you see is what you get. I'd like to get to know them better, but it's hard to scratch past that exterior.

E - I like them so much. They're such an idiot. I love hanging out and wish we would more often. I'm hoping that eventually I'll work up the courage to be my complete self around them... I feel like I'm still holding back. And I hope that eventually all my effort will pay off... because for the most part, they're extremely hard to read.

Milo - a flirt. A major flirt. So adorable and kinda poncy but I love them anyway. I miss hanging out and can't wait til we can again. They're such a ham and I'm hoping they get along with all my other friends.

G - Nice, but I don't know much about them. They're sorta not on my level. I feel like they don't care either way... they're indifferent.

MT - Haha... MT is great! I really want to get to know them some more. Some people you just know you'll get along with...

Dags - I miss them so much, they always had an ear to loan me and had some great insight into a lot of issues. I hope I'll get to see them again soon!

The Dep - Has issues... I don't know what they are but I'm hoping they grow out of them. We used to get along so well and now... not so much.

T - I miss them too!!! Best friend ever, so long as they weren't having guy issues. But always such a good friend! And a friend in faith as well... and those are hard to come by!