Back to School Blues

School will be starting soon and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I need some sort of routine in my life. I have been in school for roughly 20 of my 23 years... what am I suppose to do with myself now that I don't have to learn. I can feel my brain melting into an oozy glue. I just know that one of these days I'll forget my multiplication tables, and my hand will no long remember how to write in cursive. I want to take a class at the community school, but I'm also hoping for a job. I don't want to pay for a class and not be able to attend the full term. I also hate how fun stuff always happens when I'm not around - if I sign up for a class it would be just my luck to miss every fun event occurring this fall. But is going to a class like having an umbrella? If I go I'll get a job, and if I don't go I'll just be sitting at home until December wishing I'd signed up?

I also want to get fit. I feel like I won't be able to do this until i move out of the house... seeing as my parents keep buying unhealthy food. I can make a decision not to buy unhealthy food, but I have no will power to not eat it once it's in the fridge. I'd really like to start going to a gym. But going to a gym is more fun when you go with a friend... my only friend is moving home next week and wouldn't go with me anyway. But then, this might be my chance to meet new people. In a class for something?

I just want to get out and do something, ya know... and not be cooped up every day. Without school I have no motivation to leave my bedroom.

Two things I really enjoy

Fashion... and not high fashion but everyday simple street fashion. Accessories. Cute Cute things, sexy things, out of the blue ways to wear old stuff... new stuff...

And photography... especially whimsical photography where you look at it and automatically imagine yourself there. Pictures of places that stir your creative self... staged photography, posed people... but also capturing a moment by chance and looking through facades.

Negativity

I was talking with my mother the other day, an occurrence that hasn't happened in a while, and it wasn't completely awful. We get along so well if we have breaks from each other... long breaks. Because when we finally do get around to talking again, everything is fresh and new and not the same old nagging... anyways....

I forget that as nutty as she is she does have some interesting points of view. For instance, all this time I've been wondering if everything that seems to go wrong in my relationships with people are their fault or mine. Are they all idiots?! Or, am I just too critical and intolerant? I make this comment to my friends all the time, but they never seem to answer me. Always avoid the question. This makes me even more paranoid that it IS me and not other people... Well I asked my mom, or rather, the comment that I think I'm the one doing stuff wrong popped out while I was complaining to her that none of my friends are normal. That their behavior is so hard to understand. And she said that it wasn't anyone's fault... it is how the world works. People just don't get along - they clash.

This was a revelation... and made me feel a lot better about myself. Not that it changes how bizarre I think most of my friends are... but it does help me get over the fact. One day I just wish I could find someone I meld with... someone who isn't constantly negative, someone who isn't constantly vague

I just want a friend who I get along with and can talk to and commiserate with and not have to worry about offending... who won't offend me... is that so difficult?

Same old, same old

And I'm back to being depressed. I can't seem to make up my mind... one minute everything is great and the next it most certainly is not. I'm so sick of it. I want a normal life. I want things to go as I plan them and I want to be done with this effing indecision. I want a job that will get me out of the damn house, I want to meet new people, I want a boyfriend so I can spend my time making out with someone, and I want to be myself. I have no one to talk to and I have no one I can be myself around. I miss me... I miss doing as I please without having to worry about how people see me. And fuck, I miss being a goody two shoes... why the hell did I have to drink on Thursday? My first ever experience at being drunk - a surreal experience in which I felt more like the guinea pig of my own experiment than actually drunk - and I liked it. I'm a hypocrite... and being one scares me. I don't want to be dependent on alcohol to make me feel as good as I did while drinking alcohol. I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I want to feel great without it. I want to spend my time being happy and doing something worthwhile. And I want to quit needing things... I don't need a boyfriend... they just bring trouble. God damn I'm sick of all the guy drama! I hate it! Do they like me? don't they like me? I hate hate hate it... and I hate it even more when I read to much into one little thing and get my hopes up only to have them thrown into a piss puddle the next. If you like me why can't you just tell me straight up? and if you don't can you make it obvious so I don't start daydreaming again?! I am so fucking frustrated at my own behavior... at my own spinelessness that I am becoming paranoid. Please Lord, put me out of my misery!

If it looks like a date and feels like a date....

... it's not always a date. God why... WHY can't I just have ONE?? It would have made everything perfect. It was nearly perfect - all's that was needed was an some advancement. Otherwise... perfect. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for reading my prayer ;) and answering me in such a blatant way. As that's not always the case, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!