Country

So I fell in love with country music. Crazy! I know, right? It started when I went to visit The Sis in KC... you see, unlike up here, all of their stations play country. There is at most two pop/rap/hiphop stations (while up here there are 50 bajillion) and all the rest... well... lets just say country music is unavoidable. So as I'm driving on my mega long (and boring and annoying) roadtrip it was either listen or shoot myself...

Obviously I'm still here, so we all know what happened.

The point of this story is... I actually enjoyed it. The music. And this is why:

1) because the lyrics to some (not all but quite a few) songs are so poignant... about things I feel, experience, hope to experience, love, hate, want, need, etc...

2) because they mention God, having faith, and being washed in the blood. I love that.

3) because they're hard to sing along to... the harmony, melody, whatever is so different from what I'm used to. It's a challenge!

4) because the music makes me think of summer time when the sky is all yellow with sunshine and the trees are thrown in high relief and bright bright green. And I love that... especially when its so cold.

Now I can't get enough of it. I've been putting the stuff on my ipod, my myspace, and now I'm blogging about it. I'm addicted. Though I have yet to fall in love with Johnny Cash (see! I don't even know how his name is spelled!), but I'm well on my way to becoming a hillybilly/cowgirl/hick/redneck woman.... you fill in the blank.

Why I'm...

Why I'm happy....

I get to go to New York City for ASB, working at the MET Cloisters, learning to be a better collections manager!

My Asian Persuasion team and I are going to Boston because we beat out 50 other people to represent our Locally Sustainable Food Distribution Design Idea... that we created in conjunction with our client.

I get to babysit the most adorable dog this weekend and I won't have to waste gas driving into Ann Arbor.

I get to see Milo in 18 days and we're gonna party!

I have Günter and know how to use him.

I have a million and one project ideas and most of the supplies to complete them!

I have at least 4 books that are going to last me a good long while.

Why I'm pissed off....

E doesn't get the hint

S is so wishy washy

P doesn't like me

and The H is sooooo self centered!!!

and my butt hurts because i've been sitting in one position for too long....

....oh the trade offs

The way I are...

I've decided I'm much more mischievous than most of my friends. Where others find they can not tell a lie, I have no trouble BSing my way through. When others feel too old, too mature, I never do. If others find something repulsive, I invariably find it fascinating... and I usually need to pick it up. I have the urge to do many things that I can only just barely contain, like: screaming at the top of my lungs, spitting, dancing in public, throwing things at people, pushing and shoving, falling asleep at the most inopportune times, climbing/jumping off stuff, and the list goes on.

I see no shame in flunking a class because, honestly, what's the worst that will happen? I show no remorse when I've done something retarded, and lets face it... when aren't I doing something retarded? I hate to shake hands or dress up or do anything remotely formal. Making small talk is the bane of my existance, along with my inability to raise one eyebrow. But which do you suppose I care more about accomplishing? Oh, that's right... the eyebrow!

Being a fool is what I'm good at and may quite possibly be the only thing I'll ever be good at. But I love it. I love having fun and being myself. I love that I am amused by the little things, and am easily occupied. And I love the freedom I give myself on most occasions... I can't imagine what it must feel like to be S or SD, always checking themselves. Work before play! Only, they don't actually "check" themselves... they just naturally ARE more mature. They always get their work done on time and in pristine order (which I will never do... ie Courier New). They always look so put together, when I just can't be bothered.

I have learned over the years that I tend to hurt/annoy/scare people when I am myself. Therefore, in order to preserve my dignity (albeit the minutely tiny, fraction of dignity that I do possess) and keep the few friends I do have, I have taught myself to hide my mischievous side as best I can. I try to control my urges (my urge to hit people, my urge to steal things, my urge to stick my hand into the bag of beans). I try to control my emotions (ie... crying at sad movies, laughing too loud, blushing). And I try to control my conversation (as few random thoughts as possible, no talking about myself, no crude humor, no swearing).

Over the years, I have become so afraid of acting completely natural because completely natural for me is highly bizarre. When my true self does slip through I often earn myself confused looks... or I do something I relive over and over again, regretting it more with each successive iteration (such as forcefully grabbing E). So now, even though I have no motivation to study, wear fancy clothes, or appear mature, I find I'm withdrawing into myself and going with the flow so as not to be left behind.... but it doesn't feel like me anymore.

Does that make sense?