So I've got a new favorite song. Right Thru Me by Nicki Minaj...
And in my current mood, which is not happy, I wonder if anyone can. See through me, that is.
I don't think I'm extremely hard to read... but I am pretty closed about what's really going through my head. Oh sure, when I'm happy it pours out of me like water through a sieve. But when I'm unhappy or sad or angry or really any other unacceptable emotion I just bottle it up. I prefer to keep those thoughts to myself... er... well aside from typing them out on here or complaining to an innocent bystander who usually has no idea what's going on/doesn't care.
Which underscores my first point... I don't think I'm all that hard to read.
But I've never met anyone who knew what I needed and when. Like sometimes, I just need a hug. And no one ever realizes this... just because I'm cold and standoffish doesn't mean I don't like hugs! Or, I may be crazy outgoing around people I know but actually going out and meeting people for the first time is terrifying! But maybe I hide it well or something? I don't know, but I have yet to meet someone who can read me...
Which is weird because I feel as if I read people easily. Maybe I don't, I could be completely wrong! But, I get the feeling I know what people are thinking in certain situations and I know what they're going to say or how they're going to react. I can catch them, I can finish their sentences or .... I don't know, jump out of the way when they're about to explode.
What does it say about me that others can't connect with me like that? What does it say about me that I don't think others connect with me?
I don't do people well... I'm awful and mean and selfish and a horrible person. All I do is moan and complain and talk about myself... GAH!!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Be kind to your web footed friends...
I'm bored out of my wits! I've never been so awfully bored, I don't think!
I have no friends, no projects, nothing at all to do but watch tv and read.
It's as if nothing has changed yet... compared to last summer. Or rather, I've traded friends and family and enjoyable things for work (albeit rewarding) and a lonely apartment.
I hope to God my life balances itself out soon. Why can't I have friends and a job????
Maybe I'll be able to meet people volunteering? That would be nice. Only, I have to wait and hear back first.
I wonder if the new girl will be cool or lame... not that I'm much of a judge. GAH! Why can't she be in our office?! Why do I have to be stuck with Victoria?! She's nice and all but extremely harsh and degrading at times.
I realize nothing in life is perfect, but for once, could I please just have a bit of luck??
I have no friends, no projects, nothing at all to do but watch tv and read.
It's as if nothing has changed yet... compared to last summer. Or rather, I've traded friends and family and enjoyable things for work (albeit rewarding) and a lonely apartment.
I hope to God my life balances itself out soon. Why can't I have friends and a job????
Maybe I'll be able to meet people volunteering? That would be nice. Only, I have to wait and hear back first.
I wonder if the new girl will be cool or lame... not that I'm much of a judge. GAH! Why can't she be in our office?! Why do I have to be stuck with Victoria?! She's nice and all but extremely harsh and degrading at times.
I realize nothing in life is perfect, but for once, could I please just have a bit of luck??
Thursday, November 4, 2010
22.8
Just finished watching Eat Pray Love. Why do movies like that always get me? The combination between traveling to foreign places, experiencing new things, meeting exciting people, and learning to look past the immediate... it's the whole idea of finding yourself and realizing there is something bigger out there than anything you could ever plan or accomplish yourself.
Under the Tuscan Sun was another of those movies or even A Good Year. The heroine (or hero) is older, past their prime, recovering from some horrific life experience, lost and confused. For some reason or other they find themselves in a foreign city... usually a romance capital... where they just can't seem to fit in. Where life is so vibrant and healthy and engaging around them. But they're stuck. They can't seem to get it together...
Slowly, though. They're learning. Their neighbor has a life lesson to share... a tidbit of information that cracks their outer shell of protection and lets a little light in. Something so wise that makes you hit yourself in awe and wonder why you'd never thought of it before.
They begin living by this new found insight. But they don't know it. They internalize it and start to change, grow.
By the end, they may not have fixed any of their problems, but they don't seem like problems any more. They have a new life to live and a new love who makes it all seem worthwhile and you end up leaving the movie with this mix of emotions.
On one hand, you look around and start to see yourself from that new perspective. You have health and life and opportunity. You are able to go out and enjoy the world in one of those uplifted spirit, feel-good moments. But on the other hand... you feel, deep down inside, an inkling of despair.
Nothing like that is going to happen to you. You're never going to travel and meet friends who will turn into family. No man of your dreams is going to sweep you off your feet and into his arms and heart. So what's the point.
I hate that feeling... because about 95% of me is battling with the other chunk... about 95% is telling that depressed 5% to shut up. My whole body feels out of balance.
And I think maybe 24% of that 95, which is currently floating around my apartment thinking of all the possibilities and daydreaming about what lucky chances are coming my way... a good hefty 24% really believes it could happen.
Well... not as dramatically... I don't think my life will be winning an Oscar any time soon, but I feel as if something is happening. I just don't know what it is.
Since moving here, the pieces of my life-puzzle have been falling into place. Er... with a few nudges here and there. After a long September month of dread and crying and emotional upheaval, I finally felt as if it were the right thing to do. As if I'm meant to be here.
Now when I start to feel even the slightest bit scared or worried or stressed or sad... I let it go. I say to myself, why worry? I'm meant to be here and I know that, so everything is going to work out exactly as it should. And to tell you the truth, it's a heck of a lot easier than it sounds. To let go of the worry, that is.
(No seriously, spend some time and think about where you're meant to be. Even if it's at Starbucks on a Friday night. Once you've realized that, you're able to ignore all the snags you hit along the way because you just know they won't cause you a problem in reaching your destination.)
And now, after watching EPL, I'm gonna let go of that 5% of self loathing that I usually play into after a movie like that... and go with the 24% of true gut feelings.
24% of 95% (which is actually about 22.8% of my whole being) of me says this is a year for learning, meeting people, experiencing new things, travel, and hopefully... if all goes well... cracking open that outer shell to let in some light.
And you know what? I think I'm right.
Under the Tuscan Sun was another of those movies or even A Good Year. The heroine (or hero) is older, past their prime, recovering from some horrific life experience, lost and confused. For some reason or other they find themselves in a foreign city... usually a romance capital... where they just can't seem to fit in. Where life is so vibrant and healthy and engaging around them. But they're stuck. They can't seem to get it together...
Slowly, though. They're learning. Their neighbor has a life lesson to share... a tidbit of information that cracks their outer shell of protection and lets a little light in. Something so wise that makes you hit yourself in awe and wonder why you'd never thought of it before.
They begin living by this new found insight. But they don't know it. They internalize it and start to change, grow.
By the end, they may not have fixed any of their problems, but they don't seem like problems any more. They have a new life to live and a new love who makes it all seem worthwhile and you end up leaving the movie with this mix of emotions.
On one hand, you look around and start to see yourself from that new perspective. You have health and life and opportunity. You are able to go out and enjoy the world in one of those uplifted spirit, feel-good moments. But on the other hand... you feel, deep down inside, an inkling of despair.
Nothing like that is going to happen to you. You're never going to travel and meet friends who will turn into family. No man of your dreams is going to sweep you off your feet and into his arms and heart. So what's the point.
I hate that feeling... because about 95% of me is battling with the other chunk... about 95% is telling that depressed 5% to shut up. My whole body feels out of balance.
And I think maybe 24% of that 95, which is currently floating around my apartment thinking of all the possibilities and daydreaming about what lucky chances are coming my way... a good hefty 24% really believes it could happen.
Well... not as dramatically... I don't think my life will be winning an Oscar any time soon, but I feel as if something is happening. I just don't know what it is.
Since moving here, the pieces of my life-puzzle have been falling into place. Er... with a few nudges here and there. After a long September month of dread and crying and emotional upheaval, I finally felt as if it were the right thing to do. As if I'm meant to be here.
Now when I start to feel even the slightest bit scared or worried or stressed or sad... I let it go. I say to myself, why worry? I'm meant to be here and I know that, so everything is going to work out exactly as it should. And to tell you the truth, it's a heck of a lot easier than it sounds. To let go of the worry, that is.
(No seriously, spend some time and think about where you're meant to be. Even if it's at Starbucks on a Friday night. Once you've realized that, you're able to ignore all the snags you hit along the way because you just know they won't cause you a problem in reaching your destination.)
And now, after watching EPL, I'm gonna let go of that 5% of self loathing that I usually play into after a movie like that... and go with the 24% of true gut feelings.
24% of 95% (which is actually about 22.8% of my whole being) of me says this is a year for learning, meeting people, experiencing new things, travel, and hopefully... if all goes well... cracking open that outer shell to let in some light.
And you know what? I think I'm right.
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