Don't ever let it be said that I haven't acknowledged the power of prayer. Because as cliche as it sounds, it's true. Prayer is pretty darn cool... even for those who don't believe in a higher power, it's been proven to benefit moods and outcomes (along the line of self fulfilling prophecies). This is because prayer can be cathartic, a release of pent up emotion. It can make you feel as if you're being listened to, give you a boost of confidence by voicing thoughts and naming goals that you wouldn't have otherwise. And it can help you realize and focus your efforts on the most pressing or immediate problem.
That said, I think there is more to it than that. Someone is listening. Someone with a sense of humor :)
I read a story recently about a guy who wanted to be more loving, to be more accepting, to be a better person in general. He prayed day and night for one thing - for God to open his heart and for him to have a sign when he did. A year later, God did just that! The guy had to have open heart surgery.
Over a year ago I asked God via facebook if I could have 5 things. I said:
1) I need adventure
2) I need to meet new people
3) I need to travel
4) I need to get out on my own, and
5) I need a tan
Now, what are the chances that I would be granted every single one of those things in one fell swoop? Especially if there were no God!? (Atheists boggle my mind!) In less than a week I will be traveling cross country, to the Valley of the Sun in a state I have never been to before, in which I will live and work for an entire year. If that doesn't meet my criteria, I don't know what will!! (In previous posts, you may have noticed I was terrified about this possibility. But last week during training, I really came to grips with the idea and my crazy grandmother solidified my resolve. She keeps thinking I'm going to school, and the thought of me only being gone for two semesters makes me feel much more confident and a lot less scared... I've been gone for two semesters before!)
Furthermore, at the beginning of the year I wrote:
"I'm one step closer to finding the perfect job! I can feel it in my bones, this is my year to move out and make money! I just know that I'll hear something from someone... or find the perfect job to apply for! And then I can live independently and meet new people, make new friends, possibly a boyfriend which would be splendid! I can see it now, an almost adult-like life! I'll be able to pay off bills!! And see a doctor!! And save some money for a grand trip to New Zealand or Ireland to visit the places in my calendar!!
This is my year... I can feel it!!"
Now, I can honestly say that it's true. I did find the perfect job (albeit one that doesn't pay well but is at least anthropological!!). I will make money (albeit barely enough but still I'll get to move out and my loans will go into forbearance and will be one less thing to worry about). I will pay off my bills (I get my 5,000 towards loans in addition to accrued interest taken care of). I will live independently and I have already met new people (still working on the boyfriend bit, but at this point I'd settle for a date hehe). And I did see a doctor! Best part, I'll be done with my year of service mid-October 2011. With all the connections I'm going to make I'll have a job lined up to start by mid or end of November. Which means... I will still be able to spend at least 3 weeks in New Zealand during the Rugby World Cup!!
Everything I asked for (sans possible bf) has come true!! And not just for me... for the people I've prayed for as well.
I prayed one night after a long discussion with a friend, that she would realize she has something to offer. I prayed she would gain confidence and that she would realize guys might like her for just who she is. I found out that the following night, some random at a bar came up to her, told her he loved [certain barely noticeable features], and started making out with her. She may read this and still not believe she's anything special... but I asked and she received a blatantly obvious (and hilarious) answer!
I even prayed that my brother-in-law would be more active and participate with my sister - they went and painted pottery!
So now I'm on a roll... anything I can pray for you?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
PSO
It's the night before I fly to New Mexico for my Pre-Service Orientation with AmeriCorps VISTA.
When I was little I used to get so excited for vacations, travel, holidays... I'd spend all night anxious for the next morning. These were usually painful, sleepless nights of tossing and turning. I'd wake up several times having to remind myself to calm down, that my alarm was set. Then, with anywhere from 15 minutes or an hour to spare, I'd jump out of bed fully awake and ready to go.
Over the years, I've gotten better at controlling this excitement. I don't let myself get worked up over plans and itineraries. But tonight, I can feel myself getting worked up. Not so much in the physical sense, but emotionally. This is hard to explain...
I keep running through everything about going: the reasons why, my objectives while I'm down there, my end goals, the escape route. I weigh and re-weigh the pros and cons. And sometimes I get to thinking, why the hell am I even bothering to do this? Then some inner part of me replies, because you have nothing else and won't ever get anything else.
I don't know if that's true. Whatever. But as much as I hate my life as it is right now... having this whole potential shake up is wreaking havoc on me. I get to thinking that I don't really want to go and I find me trying to convince myself that I should go. That I have to be a risk taker because that's the only way to experience life. Then I start tottering on that mental precipice where behind me lies a flat desert of my safe and boring life, while beneath my toes and as far as the eye can see stretches a giant canyon of the unknown.
But in this instance, when at any other time I'd confront my mother for support, I already know what she'll say... "Then don't go."
She's been trying this entire month to throw me off balance. Although, if you were to straight up ask her, she'll deny it. Perhaps it's subconsciously, but everything she says and does seems to say, YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!
And hearing that, underlying every comment, is like an ice pick chipping away at my resolve. What I need to hear is encouragement. That'll even if I do make a mistake, that I can always come home.
Dad is so much better at that. He understands that I can't stay here forever.
So on this night, waiting to pass out from exhaustion, my emotional state is pretty flimsy. While every nerve in my body is jumping at the chance to travel, see new sites, have an adventure... every synapse in my brain is firing "failure! loss! regret!"
What am I doing, going to another state to live in poverty for a year? What will become of me if I don't go?
PS... I know my blog has started to majorly suck. But my predicament is starting to sap the life out of me. I promise I'm not going emo, but at the moment this is all I can think about. Happier things to come!! (I hope)
When I was little I used to get so excited for vacations, travel, holidays... I'd spend all night anxious for the next morning. These were usually painful, sleepless nights of tossing and turning. I'd wake up several times having to remind myself to calm down, that my alarm was set. Then, with anywhere from 15 minutes or an hour to spare, I'd jump out of bed fully awake and ready to go.
Over the years, I've gotten better at controlling this excitement. I don't let myself get worked up over plans and itineraries. But tonight, I can feel myself getting worked up. Not so much in the physical sense, but emotionally. This is hard to explain...
I keep running through everything about going: the reasons why, my objectives while I'm down there, my end goals, the escape route. I weigh and re-weigh the pros and cons. And sometimes I get to thinking, why the hell am I even bothering to do this? Then some inner part of me replies, because you have nothing else and won't ever get anything else.
I don't know if that's true. Whatever. But as much as I hate my life as it is right now... having this whole potential shake up is wreaking havoc on me. I get to thinking that I don't really want to go and I find me trying to convince myself that I should go. That I have to be a risk taker because that's the only way to experience life. Then I start tottering on that mental precipice where behind me lies a flat desert of my safe and boring life, while beneath my toes and as far as the eye can see stretches a giant canyon of the unknown.
But in this instance, when at any other time I'd confront my mother for support, I already know what she'll say... "Then don't go."
She's been trying this entire month to throw me off balance. Although, if you were to straight up ask her, she'll deny it. Perhaps it's subconsciously, but everything she says and does seems to say, YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE!
And hearing that, underlying every comment, is like an ice pick chipping away at my resolve. What I need to hear is encouragement. That'll even if I do make a mistake, that I can always come home.
Dad is so much better at that. He understands that I can't stay here forever.
So on this night, waiting to pass out from exhaustion, my emotional state is pretty flimsy. While every nerve in my body is jumping at the chance to travel, see new sites, have an adventure... every synapse in my brain is firing "failure! loss! regret!"
What am I doing, going to another state to live in poverty for a year? What will become of me if I don't go?
PS... I know my blog has started to majorly suck. But my predicament is starting to sap the life out of me. I promise I'm not going emo, but at the moment this is all I can think about. Happier things to come!! (I hope)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Shipwrecked
I'm scared and overwhelmed and tired. I feel like I'm swirling around in a pitch black ocean after a torrential rain storm massacred my one-man sailboat, and the rip tide keeps sucking me under. And when something new comes along in the flotsam - some new thought or idea or task on my to-do list - I feel like an ice cold wave with cut glass surf is speeding towards me, crashing over my head and suffocating me with sharp needles. I can't catch my breath and the pressure on my chest makes my heart pound.
I'm unable to focus on a single thought and my mind sprints a hundred miles per hour down my stream of consciousness between one moment and the next. I panic.
I coach myself on breathing techniques and throw my brain a life raft - in the form of television - anything to stop my mind from thrashing about. But it just prolongs the problem while deadening my sensitivity to the symptoms. What I really need is help, guidance, support, a safety net of a million dollars (but at this point even a hug would be nice).
I'm scared of being alone, but it isn't even that. I'm just overwhelmed and I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of leaving everything I've known to try something completely new, in a new environment, with new people. I'm scared of having to make new friends. I'm scared that my friends will forget me or I'll never see them again because by the time I get back they'll have all moved on with their lives... not want to come back and visit.
I'm worried I won't be able to do the job, that I'll get fired? No... not fired, but that I won't get a good recommendation for a future position. Hell, that I won't even get a future position and be back on my parents' couch. I'm just so tired of worrying.
I need to lay back and float a bit, ride out the waves or at least tread water long enough to keep my head above all the tasks I need to get done, and hope I don't hit a really rocky coastline...
Although, being marooned on a deserted, island paradise does sound wonderful right about now!
I'm unable to focus on a single thought and my mind sprints a hundred miles per hour down my stream of consciousness between one moment and the next. I panic.
I coach myself on breathing techniques and throw my brain a life raft - in the form of television - anything to stop my mind from thrashing about. But it just prolongs the problem while deadening my sensitivity to the symptoms. What I really need is help, guidance, support, a safety net of a million dollars (but at this point even a hug would be nice).
I'm scared of being alone, but it isn't even that. I'm just overwhelmed and I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of leaving everything I've known to try something completely new, in a new environment, with new people. I'm scared of having to make new friends. I'm scared that my friends will forget me or I'll never see them again because by the time I get back they'll have all moved on with their lives... not want to come back and visit.
I'm worried I won't be able to do the job, that I'll get fired? No... not fired, but that I won't get a good recommendation for a future position. Hell, that I won't even get a future position and be back on my parents' couch. I'm just so tired of worrying.
I need to lay back and float a bit, ride out the waves or at least tread water long enough to keep my head above all the tasks I need to get done, and hope I don't hit a really rocky coastline...
Although, being marooned on a deserted, island paradise does sound wonderful right about now!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Didgeridoos Are Cool :D
OMG I found the most hilariously wonderful and disgustingly raunchy song ever. I love it!
Flower
Liz Phair
And the bass (or is that a didgeridoo?) in the background is crazy awesome! It makes me happy in a really simple minded sort of way :) hahaha
Listen to it!
Flower
Liz Phair
And the bass (or is that a didgeridoo?) in the background is crazy awesome! It makes me happy in a really simple minded sort of way :) hahaha
Listen to it!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Do I look like I Care? (sarcasm aside!!)
There must be something about me that makes others divulge their life stories. Why is it people feel the need to tell me the most random facts about themselves? Today I waited with my grandparents at the hospital for Grams' doctor appointment.
While there, I learned that a woman had been in a car accident where she was thrown 35 feet, landing on her head; was treated for back injury in Arizona (of all places!), but found out the surgeon had his license revoked and had caused her some damage; is currently being treated for a neck trauma of some sort and she doesn't really like her scar but what can she do?; they had her on pain meds, but she can't handle them and she doesn't like how loopy she gets when she takes them; has both a son and a daughter, but her daughter was murdered a number of years ago... a piece of the woman had died along with her and they have yet to catch her murderer; and she has come to realize that keeping faith in the Lord has left her better off than she had been before...
Now, I'm not saying I don't like hearing these stories. Actually, I love hearing them. Sometimes, when I'm driving down the road or in a really tall building I'll look out the window and see hundreds of people going about their business. Like little ants. It's amazing to think that each and every one of those people are sentient beings, who make their own choices, who have their own goals, their own problems... they could be suffering in any number of ways. I enjoy that perfectly random strangers are willing to confide in me. But why?
What is it about me that attracts these types of people. Sure I smile and make eye contact, but doesn't everyone? And I rarely find myself telling others (especially strangers) about myself. So why have I met hundreds of people who do just that? I don't know... but I like it.
While there, I learned that a woman had been in a car accident where she was thrown 35 feet, landing on her head; was treated for back injury in Arizona (of all places!), but found out the surgeon had his license revoked and had caused her some damage; is currently being treated for a neck trauma of some sort and she doesn't really like her scar but what can she do?; they had her on pain meds, but she can't handle them and she doesn't like how loopy she gets when she takes them; has both a son and a daughter, but her daughter was murdered a number of years ago... a piece of the woman had died along with her and they have yet to catch her murderer; and she has come to realize that keeping faith in the Lord has left her better off than she had been before...
Now, I'm not saying I don't like hearing these stories. Actually, I love hearing them. Sometimes, when I'm driving down the road or in a really tall building I'll look out the window and see hundreds of people going about their business. Like little ants. It's amazing to think that each and every one of those people are sentient beings, who make their own choices, who have their own goals, their own problems... they could be suffering in any number of ways. I enjoy that perfectly random strangers are willing to confide in me. But why?
What is it about me that attracts these types of people. Sure I smile and make eye contact, but doesn't everyone? And I rarely find myself telling others (especially strangers) about myself. So why have I met hundreds of people who do just that? I don't know... but I like it.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
"Mmm musk, sigh!"
What is it about guys who smell good?
Or rather, what is it about that scent? A friend of mine called me up to dissect her date with a guy she'd recently met and, sadly, the date was a bust. However, she did come away with two consolations. The first of which was spending a couple hours with his cat (she is a die hard cat fan who has been forced to leave her cat with her parents until she can locate another apartment). The second consolation was the fact that his musky cologne had permeated her shirt and was wafting towards her nose with every breeze from the window.
When she told me this through a silly, slightly drunken giggle, I was 1) immediately jealous and 2) transported to "fantasy land" where cowboys and rugged outdoorsmen run rampant. At which point I believe I said "Mmm musk, sigh!"
We both started laughing. And she brought up a good point - why is that smell so powerfully seductive? One can only imagine... because even on the lousiest date (he wore sweatpants and spent the entire night "adjusting" himself!) a man can still be attractive when wearing whatever scent it is men wear. Seriously, it's as if the smell evokes my "perfect man" no matter who is wearing it.
My house has played host to several different guys in the past, all of whom smell delicious. Most recently, a pilot (cough cough... maybe I should address uniforms in another blog?), who must have showered and/or spruced up before I went to bed because the hallway smelled wonderful! And my friend visiting from far off lands... well, let's just say I made up reasons to go in the bathroom when he'd finished showering! Even my sister's husband smells good from time to time :P
But WHY?
I mean, I understand natural "male" scents... that's pheromones and hormones and genetics; and are only cursory attractants. Musk though, is a whole other story. Musk is that heady scent that makes men's cologne smell so damn good. And after doing a fair bit of research because I'm truly interested to know why us girls love it so much, I still don't have an answer. What I do have is a list of facts from various resources that I'm not going to bother citing:
Anyway, there you have it folks. It seems to me that the other scents like leather, sandalwood, vanilla, cedar, orange, cinnamon, etc etc that are layered on top of the fixative act to make the scent unique. And while they help to trigger memories that women associate with each scent, it is the musk that reels them in.
And God, how I love it!
P.S. those Axe commercials are completely true (albeit a bit over the top) when it comes to any guy scent - even if it's not Axe.
Or rather, what is it about that scent? A friend of mine called me up to dissect her date with a guy she'd recently met and, sadly, the date was a bust. However, she did come away with two consolations. The first of which was spending a couple hours with his cat (she is a die hard cat fan who has been forced to leave her cat with her parents until she can locate another apartment). The second consolation was the fact that his musky cologne had permeated her shirt and was wafting towards her nose with every breeze from the window.
When she told me this through a silly, slightly drunken giggle, I was 1) immediately jealous and 2) transported to "fantasy land" where cowboys and rugged outdoorsmen run rampant. At which point I believe I said "Mmm musk, sigh!"
We both started laughing. And she brought up a good point - why is that smell so powerfully seductive? One can only imagine... because even on the lousiest date (he wore sweatpants and spent the entire night "adjusting" himself!) a man can still be attractive when wearing whatever scent it is men wear. Seriously, it's as if the smell evokes my "perfect man" no matter who is wearing it.
My house has played host to several different guys in the past, all of whom smell delicious. Most recently, a pilot (cough cough... maybe I should address uniforms in another blog?), who must have showered and/or spruced up before I went to bed because the hallway smelled wonderful! And my friend visiting from far off lands... well, let's just say I made up reasons to go in the bathroom when he'd finished showering! Even my sister's husband smells good from time to time :P
But WHY?
I mean, I understand natural "male" scents... that's pheromones and hormones and genetics; and are only cursory attractants. Musk though, is a whole other story. Musk is that heady scent that makes men's cologne smell so damn good. And after doing a fair bit of research because I'm truly interested to know why us girls love it so much, I still don't have an answer. What I do have is a list of facts from various resources that I'm not going to bother citing:
- Women are 100x more sensitive to musk than men
- It originates from a rectal gland of the Musk Deer and has been used as a fixative in perfume for centuries - the name itself is derived from a Sanskrit word meaning "testicle"
- The term is now applied to many different substances that emit a similarly potent scent
- It is naturally secreted by animals to attract mates
- Males secrete a musk-like odor contained in Androstenol, a sex pheromone
- Ambergris, or aged sperm whale barf, has a natural musk that has been used as a fixative in perfume
- Indole is another musky fixative, smelling of crap (no literally... feces) if overly concentrated. In fact, indole is in human feces, though can be extracted from plants or made chemically.
- All this fixative stuff basically refers to a stabilizer that reduces evaporation of a perfume. It is essential to any cologne with the added benefit of being a "base note" in the scent compound
- Dogs have glands in the face, rear end, and paws, as well as in hair follicles. Their paws in particular secrete a musk that I like to describe as a "puppy smell." I love this scent and it is especially noticeable when Lily falls asleep! So cute!
Anyway, there you have it folks. It seems to me that the other scents like leather, sandalwood, vanilla, cedar, orange, cinnamon, etc etc that are layered on top of the fixative act to make the scent unique. And while they help to trigger memories that women associate with each scent, it is the musk that reels them in.
And God, how I love it!
P.S. those Axe commercials are completely true (albeit a bit over the top) when it comes to any guy scent - even if it's not Axe.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tired of Not Being Tired
I am so wide awake. I am so flippin' wide awake. I could do something right now. I don't know what but something. I could go swimming right now if it weren't pitch black and freezing cold. Oh man, I want to go swimming so bad. Even if it is freezing.
Watched two shows today. Well really a movie and a TV show. The Movie was the new version of The Karate Kid. It makes me want to learn tae kwon do. A friend of mine does ju jitsu and is pretty good at it. And I'm so jealous. I want to be able to move like that. All stealthy. Except for the beating people up thing... I always end up hurting people, I'm too forceful or something. I don't know my own strength and then people end up hating me. So I guess, I don't want to have to fight anyone. But I want to be agile and turn everyday things into weapons. Haha! Like in the movies, how the bad guys all carry guns but the good guy can take them down with a picture frame and a throw pillow.
The TV show was a new series on the CW called Hellcats. It's about cheerleading and made me miss my "glory" days (read here: horrible high school experience). Even though I hated almost everyone on my team (the feeling was probably mutual), I still felt apart of something. And of course, I love that sort of atmosphere... the super charged, sporting event atmosphere where everyone is happy and exuberant and probably slightly drunk. I love being in a crowd of people who are all supporting the same effort, all experiencing the same thing. And what better way to have an excuse for being peppy and energetic.
It is one of my favorite feelings in the whole world - the crackling energy that builds in a crowd on game day.
God, I'm so awake. I'm really thirsty too. I want to go for a swim. If it were warmer I'd go skinny dipping, seeing as it's pitch black outside. I've always wanted to go skinny dipping. And sky diving. I don't know if I'd have the guts to go sky diving, but I still want to try. Ooo and bungy jumping!
Today must be a day for reminiscing. I got on MSN, and a friend from ages ago popped up to chat. He is from my "Asian Persuasion" team... I miss them too! They were so nice and made me laugh. It was so good getting to know them. I miss being apart of something... anything. On a team in general.
I just miss having things to do. I feel like I'm wasting my life... which is probably why I've had such trouble sleeping. How can I sleep after such a pitifully unproductive day? Last night I had to take some sleeping pills just to feel tired and ended up sleeping in a drugged stupor until noon... which has now thrown me off tonight! Gah!
This has to stop soon... it just has to!
Watched two shows today. Well really a movie and a TV show. The Movie was the new version of The Karate Kid. It makes me want to learn tae kwon do. A friend of mine does ju jitsu and is pretty good at it. And I'm so jealous. I want to be able to move like that. All stealthy. Except for the beating people up thing... I always end up hurting people, I'm too forceful or something. I don't know my own strength and then people end up hating me. So I guess, I don't want to have to fight anyone. But I want to be agile and turn everyday things into weapons. Haha! Like in the movies, how the bad guys all carry guns but the good guy can take them down with a picture frame and a throw pillow.
The TV show was a new series on the CW called Hellcats. It's about cheerleading and made me miss my "glory" days (read here: horrible high school experience). Even though I hated almost everyone on my team (the feeling was probably mutual), I still felt apart of something. And of course, I love that sort of atmosphere... the super charged, sporting event atmosphere where everyone is happy and exuberant and probably slightly drunk. I love being in a crowd of people who are all supporting the same effort, all experiencing the same thing. And what better way to have an excuse for being peppy and energetic.
It is one of my favorite feelings in the whole world - the crackling energy that builds in a crowd on game day.
God, I'm so awake. I'm really thirsty too. I want to go for a swim. If it were warmer I'd go skinny dipping, seeing as it's pitch black outside. I've always wanted to go skinny dipping. And sky diving. I don't know if I'd have the guts to go sky diving, but I still want to try. Ooo and bungy jumping!
Today must be a day for reminiscing. I got on MSN, and a friend from ages ago popped up to chat. He is from my "Asian Persuasion" team... I miss them too! They were so nice and made me laugh. It was so good getting to know them. I miss being apart of something... anything. On a team in general.
I just miss having things to do. I feel like I'm wasting my life... which is probably why I've had such trouble sleeping. How can I sleep after such a pitifully unproductive day? Last night I had to take some sleeping pills just to feel tired and ended up sleeping in a drugged stupor until noon... which has now thrown me off tonight! Gah!
This has to stop soon... it just has to!
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