Love, Love, Love...

Okay this is an "all-in-one" update post. Normally I go chronologically, but I think today I'll just type as the mood hits me.

My friend is driving me nuts with all her talk of online dating. I'm so sick of hearing how great one guy is or how often another guy texts her. And no matter what I tell her, she never listens to my advice. Then a month or two later she comes back with "Oh my friend says this...." and "my friend says that..." Stuff that I had told her originally. But why listen to me? I have no experience [insert eye roll]. So listen to LeAnn instead!

I went to pick up camping gear for her visit, though. I'm excited for the prospect of having an adventure. I want to see some things out here, Wupatki and Chiricahua and others. If there were one thing to do out here, what would it be? What would it be in Michigan, I wonder?

I miss Michigan... my beautiful home. I miss the snow. There is suppose to be a snow storm tonight or tomorrow.

I've decided I need to be more aware of current events. I spend half my time in dreamland and the other half avoiding reality. I think I need to catch up on world affairs.. but when I spent the afternoon reviewing CNN I remembered why I never bothered before. Everything is so negative or controversial or boring... or some sort of ridiculous filler because there is nothing better to show. The top watched video for today was a gorilla who could walk upright. Why is this so fascinating? I don't understand... all apes have the ability to walk upright just not for prolonged periods of time. They don't have the skeletal or muscular structure to do so. The gorilla had "learned" the behavior in order to carry something with two hands, which is a perfectly natural behavior. The second most watched video was one about the protests in Egypt.

Which do you suppose is more important? A walking gorilla or political protests in Egypt?

I'm not saying either one is more appropriate. It's just a fascinating cultural study.

Another fascinating cultural study? The hunt for potential mating partners... aka dating. I'm really anti-dating at the moment. Not anti-relationship, -love, -whathaveyou... just anti-dating. And quite possibly anti-sex, too. And this may be me being prudish, and right about now I don't give a damn. No scratch that, I don't give a damn personally for myself. But I do wonder if I'm some sort of freak of nature or asexual or something. Sidebar: to be sure I used the correct terminology, I wiki'd asexual and the description seems plausible. Which may only mean I'm more of a hypochondriac than previously realized... I mean, it's not like I don't fantasize. And I'm certainly attracted to men, God, sometimes they're all I think about. I also have a deluded opinion that one ought to be in love before they have sex. Go figure?

And I don't know that I've ever experienced love... which may be exactly why I have no desire to sleep around. Granted I've had my fair share of like which has amounted to nothing.

I've never really considered myself sexy either. I just can't pull it off. I can do cute. I can do confident. I can do outgoing or shy. I can do loud or smart or boisterous and happy. But sexy? Not so much...

Last Monday, however, threw me for a loop. My tango instructor, whom I thought was gay, put the moves on me. After being told I may get to teach, he introduced me to the community center manager then asked me out for a drink. Thinking along the lines of a "business" meeting to get the details, I say "Uh..... sure."

BIG MISTAKE. We start off by discussing my being a teacher, move on to how he got started as a dancer, and then he progresses from the pole dancer he dated and strip poker to threesomes, giving his son condoms for his 18th birthday, not wanting kids, not wanting to get married, living with a woman he still sleeps with but isn't committed to, being molested as a child, by a man, who forced him to watch porn, which he wanted to stipulate was not gay porn, but female porn, so that when he had his first time "with. a. woman." he wanted her to act like the woman in the porno so that he could be turned on, and when he had her masturbate for him she scared him by "squirting" which he took to mean she was peeing on him...........................






UH.....






The look on my face prompted him to ask if I were Christian. At which point I said very Christian. I am VERY Christian. But he didn't get the point. Nor did he get the point when he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said YES.

Within 20 minutes (and it was only 20 minutes) he had told me his entire sexual life history. And expected me to be impressed! Instead I jumped up at 9:15 proclaiming "OH MY GOD! The dogs! I've got to feed the dogs! They've been out all night... I gotta go!" and I ran for my car.

Now, I don't know why, but all my life I have always attracted some pretty odd characters. Each of whom feel the need to share their life histories with me. But this is the first time I've ever had ANYONE be so disgusting, crude, and suggestive to me. And as I said before. I'm. Not. Sexy. I don't come across as sexy, and I certainly don't come across as easy.

I was so disturbed I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight and woke up at 3.30am after having repetitive dream sequences (a sign that I'm sick) that are also like Chinese water torture, they drive me so crazy. I went for a jog at about 4:30am, showered and got ready for work and then called in sick because I could barely keep my eyes open.

The next two nights I drugged myself to sleep.

And my friend, the desperate one who wants me to meet guys online, said "Oh well... it's experience" and then "Well it's over now, you just have to let it go..."

SAYS THE GIRL WHO INSISTED ON TELLING ME EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT HOW AWFUL IT WAS FOR HER WHEN THE GUY SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH BUT WASN'T "DATING" CHEATED ON HER (IF YOU CAN EVEN CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU AREN'T COMMITTED TO)!!!!

For nearly a month straight! And I can't have a week or two to wrap my head around the 40 year old perv who wanted to whisper disgusting somethings in my ear??????

Deep breath... deeeeeeep bbrreeaatthh...

Okay, so yeah back to my original point. I'm kind of over sex and dating. I was thinking about this in the shower the other day. That if I were ever to date anyone, it would be because I thought there was a chance for something more. Casual flings just aren't my thing. I'm too traditional. I want romance and friendship and loyalty and trust. What's the point if there isn't that? Does that mean I'm a freak?

Suffice it to say, I'm perfectly happy not dealing with all that crap right now. I want to be my own person before I have to be someone else. Plus, I have a list of things I want to do and with my abandonment issues and everything else; I don't know if it would be possible to accomplish it all when I am tied down to one place.

Plus, and I may have said this before, I don't crush all that easy. Yes, I see several guys and think "Wow, they're hot!" I may even think "Damn, I'd do them!" Haha... but in reality, I've only ever liked 4 guys. In my entire life. I have only seriously considered 4 guys as potentials. God, no wonder I'm such a loner...

And a long time ago, I decided that the only way anyone is going to like me is when I like myself. So I'm focusing on that. And even though last week I gave up on dieting, I'm back on track this week and feeling good.

I need another target to work towards. Running the PHX1/2 was such an accomplishment for me. Considering a year ago I couldn't finish 15 minutes without dying. When I hit the 12 mile marker I wanted to give up... a power walker was moving faster than me!! But when I came into the 13th mile and the finish line was .1 mile away - I could see it, hear the music - I started to cry with relief. I had to physically tell myself to get a grip because I was about to choke on the emotions welling up inside me. Sprinting into the finish line was the most amazing feeling.

I need another of those. I want to run the Detroit 1/2 in October, but what can I do in the meantime? Perhaps find a new hobby?? Bellydancing? I've never done that before... or hula perhaps!

I bought myself tulips. I love tulips. They're yellow with flashes of red. I put them in a mason jar. They make me happy. When I get married I'm going to have tulips. When I have a baby there will be tulips. Lots of bright yellow tulips. White tulips. Red tulips. Sunshine and beautiful flowers in glass jars.

I also want a dress. And new shoes, and jeans, and a whole new wardrobe. I'm getting sick of my clothes. They aren't pretty.

My hair is getting long though. Gave myself a trim today... it was needed.

Now to focus on my future. Resume writing, job hunting, and daydreaming about having adventures in foreign lands.

Stuck on Korean Dramas (they really have the market cornered on romantic comedies/dramas) and eating Asian food. Need to learn some recipes so I can use my chopsticks!

New Favorite Song:

And now... to bed :) Thanks for listening!

So Tired! So So Tired....

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I'm just tired. I should probably be asleep rather than typing this up, but whatever.

This weekend was draining and annoying and wonderful and bad all at once.

But lets start at the beginning: My PSO "friends" came down for the weekend and because last time was so horrible I tried to stipulate that they could only stay one night. Saturday.

I really just wanted to have a nice quiet Friday night and sleep in on Saturday. Wake up when I wanted, make breakfast, lounge, rejuvenate, before the crowd arrived and I had to wake up super early on Sunday.

I got an email saying that they would come Friday night and stay in a Hotel on Saturday (YAY!), but wanted to go out, and another girl was going to come too................    uh, ooohhhkay... fine. That's fine. Whatever. (ps: I had swimmers ear on Thursday and all Friday and felt way tired and sore throaty)

They show up and rather than the 3 expected, there are 4. My eyes begin to bulge. Oh lord.

My other friend from PSO meets us and we all start getting ready to go out and I'm thinking "I don't want to go, I don't want to go!" However, getting spruced up is helping me catch a second wind, and I start to feel better as far as my "illness" goes. A sixth VISTA shows up and we all head out to the bar. And I'm praying they don't go over board like last time...

Thankfully, we had a good time and no one got wasted. But I was still dreading the sleeping situation. I need sleep! A lot of sleep! In order to maintain my cheery disposition I get around 9 and a half hours on a daily basis. I can't function otherwise. But the weekends are my days for catching up, I need to have a solid 10 or 12 hours or I am too tired the following week.

I sleep a LOT!

So I was hoping I could get some Saturday morning, but no... I got 6.

And those guests? Yea, they woke me up. And I tried to be blatantly obvious that I wanted down time before Sunday but they kept pushing me and pushing me. I was about ready to snap!

Eventually I came out and said, no, I'm not going out.

Then Saturday night, I had to deal with the one girl who I can actually tolerate on a more regular basis. She's great but kinda... clingy? No, wrong word... um a leach? Better but not so harsh...

Basically, she uses my internet but instead of communing in the same room but doing different stuff, she pretends to be my roommate. Only... she isn't my roommate. I can't be comfortable when she's around the corner lounging on my bed, using my internet, eating the food I made for dinner, and not even bothering to consider how I feel or to include me in whatever it is she's doing. She talks on the phone out on my balcony while I'm in the apartment as if that's okay. And really, honestly... I wouldn't care if it were a once in a while type deal. But if the phone rings, she answers it every time!! And talks for hours at a time.

Tonight (Sunday) she was on the phone for 3 hours without considering how I felt about it... on MY balcony!! But I will get back to this part of the story.

So, I finally get everyone off my back for 2 hours of down time while I run errands, do laundry, cook dinner, and said friend sleeps.

But she wakes up and eats my meal and listens to her headphones and I'm about ready for bed and she goes outside to talk on her phone. [Insert eye roll]

She doesn't get to bed until 1:20. I know this because she woke me up. I woke up again at 3am and 3:45am.

And the reason for wanting a decent night's sleep? I had to be up at 5:30 so I could shower and dress and chauffeur the girls at the hotel to the finish line of MY FIRST HALF MARATHON!!!! (yay!!! this is the only redeeming aspect of my weekend).

Yes, I did say chauffeur. Basically no one wanted to pick us up from the finish line, so I had to wake up extra early so we could drop the car off and shuttle to the start (even though the start was within walking distance of the hotel). Fine, whatever... because it's hypocritical of me to resent driving when I wanted someone else to be a chauffeur to me. So I drove no complaints.

But after the race, they didn't wait for me. I ended up driving back to my apartment on my own. So really, they could have given me a lift too and saved me some ZZzzs and gas mileage. But you know what. I'm way glad they didn't bother because I got to go home and relax while they did who knows what.

Then when they are all suppose to just go home, they come back to my apartment!!!!!!!!!!!! And just lounge and talk too loud and everything. While said friend gets back on her phone (re: Tonight's issue).

It takes them another hour of "debating what to do" [insert scowl of incredulousness]. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THEY COULD BE SO INCONSIDERATE AND EXPECT ME TO HOST THEM ANY LONGER WHEN I ALL BUT TOLD THEM TO LEAVE!!!  I was at my wits end, and am glad I held it together long enough not to snap.

They left, after I explained I would be going to bed shortly.

And this is where said friend comes into the mix. Normally I don't mind her at all (kind of). I can tolerate her sort of rude behavior because we get along well and have interesting convos for the most part. But today I just wanted her gone... GONE! So I could relax in my most comfortable state and not have to listen to her breathing, or tapping away at her computer, or laughing at some joke I have no clue about because she's in the next room over with her headphones on. But she won't leave. I wait a full hour and a half after the girls leave and debate with my friend in Chicago about how to kick her out as politely as possible. I'm literally about to cry with frustration.

My friend says to just tell her straight out. So I work up the courage and I do. I interrupt her phone call and ask "Hey, um, when were you thinking of heading out?" All nervous and lame.

And she looks taken back and confused and kind of put out (YES... PUT. OUT.) Well looky here! IT'S MY APARTMENT AND YOU'RE PUTTING ME OUT AND YOU'VE OVER STAYED YOUR WELCOME AND YOU KNOW WHAT... JUST LEAVE!!!!!!!

I don't say this... instead I apologize. She closes the door again to finish her phone call before coming in to pack up. Only, I can hear through the wall, but she doesn't know this. I hear here complaining about me to her friend. And I'm thinking partially - you know what? Don't even! I've done so much and yes I'm antisocial but it's because I don't really like the other VISTAs - and partially - oh god... she hates me.

When she comes back in I basically explain myself and touch on all the points she brought up in the phone call.

- I'm an introvert, I can't handle people for vast amounts of time and when I'm already tired from a long week of dealing with people I just need to be alone... to refresh and rejuvenate.
- I'm not a partier and never will be and while yes I do enjoy an occasional night out, I don't want to deal with those people after the fact, the next morning, the next afternoon, the day after that!!
- I dislike 2 of the others and although I enjoyed one of the surprise roommates, she was still a bit much.
- I am a control freak and can't handle other people stepping in my bubble. I need space and room to do as I please.
- I'm slightly OCD about other people's messes and...
- I was raised with perfect manners. If my mother ever found out I did anything like what those girls did to me, she'd have killed me. I'm extremely respectful of other people's property, space, thoughts and opinions... usually to the point of holding in my own just to avoid conflict. I just can't imagine treating my host in the way they treated me: leaving trash on my couch? Inviting random guests? Trying to kick me out of my own apartment so they could have fun on Saturday without "waking us up"???? Planning the weekend around what they wanted to do regardless of how I felt about it (and I am usually very lenient... aka going out on Friday when I was sick so they could have a DD)??

Does any of that sound okay to you? God I hope not, otherwise you are not welcome at my apartment either!

This is my personal space. This is where I come to be myself. This is my private sanctuary away from crazy work issues and the scum of Arizona! DO NOT DISRESPECT ME OR MY SPACE...

Or you won't be back. And they will NOT be back. Trust me!

(post script: I'll write about the PHX1/2 tomorrow, perhaps. But expect a bit more complaining because this may not be out of my system by then)

New Year, New Calendar, New Resolutions

I just finished making blackened tilapia with a garlic lime butter sauce, roasted broccoli and parmesan, and bruschetta with fresh mozzarella. 500 calories. Huge portions. Very very delicious.

That is my goal. To eat good food. To eat a lot of it. To eat whenever I'm hungry. To eat until I'm full. And to do it while losing weight. How can such a thing be possible, you ask? It's my new recipe book: Easy and Awesome 350-Calorie Meals.

I knew I wanted to be healthier this year, food wise. Last year, my resolution was to get my A into G (aka get my rear end off the couch and up and moving). Re: my last post... I was successful! To a point.

I obviously eat way too much and of the wrong foods. I don't get enough of a balance of protein and veggies. And I eat way too many white calories (ie sugars, enriched flour, etc etc). But the trouble was I am also lazy... and busy. I don't really want to spend hours in the kitchen worrying about cooking. Making a mess. Having to clean up dishes.

Although admittedly, I do enjoy cooking.

So when I came across this book in the bookstore, I fell in love with the idea that I could cook a fast meal under a certain calorie set and then just eat all I want of it. I bought the book immediately, along with another recipe book that follows the same lines (with less side comments/learning material). I now have over 500 recipes to try. Like the one above!

My New Year's Resolution, then, is: To eat healthier. To cook those meals. And to exercise as much as possible.

To do those, I plan to track it all with my new calendar (pictures of simplicity - beautiful and stark images of abandoned, rundown, sunny, empty, wide open and enclosed spaces)! I am going to spend time planning recipes and times when I can make things... even if it's all in advance. Then I will have no excuse for not making healthy and fulfilling choices. Nor will I forget to continue running (already have the Phx1/2 marked). I will jog as many days as I can, when I'm not tired or just need a break.

Obviously I won't be as much of a stickler as I was last year, but I think now that I have the hang of staying active, I can focus on something equally important. Plus, I've hit a plateau and I need to make other changes in my life. According to my new book healthy eating habits will allow you to loose 3/4 of the weight you'd like to see lost as opposed to the 1/4 you can shed by only exercise.

With that in mind, I will continue to keep up that 1/4, but augment it with at least another 1/4 (let's face it, this isn't something I can change over night...) of healthy eating.

And hopefully, now that I've plateaued a mere 13 pounds from my goal weight (technically 33 pounds but the next 13 or so I've been trying to loose for a damn long time... the other 20 give or take are just a healthy aspiration to keep me motivated), making some changes in my gluttonous lifestyle will be the nudge I need!

So here's to a wonderful new experience... aka learning to cook some delicious meals! And hopefully this time next year I'll not only be an amazing chef but also a few pounds lighter!!

Happy New Years!