I've decided I'm much more mischievous than most of my friends. Where others find they can not tell a lie, I have no trouble BSing my way through. When others feel too old, too mature, I never do. If others find something repulsive, I invariably find it fascinating... and I usually need to pick it up. I have the urge to do many things that I can only just barely contain, like: screaming at the top of my lungs, spitting, dancing in public, throwing things at people, pushing and shoving, falling asleep at the most inopportune times, climbing/jumping off stuff, and the list goes on.
I see no shame in flunking a class because, honestly, what's the worst that will happen? I show no remorse when I've done something retarded, and lets face it... when aren't I doing something retarded? I hate to shake hands or dress up or do anything remotely formal. Making small talk is the bane of my existance, along with my inability to raise one eyebrow. But which do you suppose I care more about accomplishing? Oh, that's right... the eyebrow!
Being a fool is what I'm good at and may quite possibly be the only thing I'll ever be good at. But I love it. I love having fun and being myself. I love that I am amused by the little things, and am easily occupied. And I love the freedom I give myself on most occasions... I can't imagine what it must feel like to be S or SD, always checking themselves. Work before play! Only, they don't actually "check" themselves... they just naturally ARE more mature. They always get their work done on time and in pristine order (which I will never do... ie Courier New). They always look so put together, when I just can't be bothered.
I have learned over the years that I tend to hurt/annoy/scare people when I am myself. Therefore, in order to preserve my dignity (albeit the minutely tiny, fraction of dignity that I do possess) and keep the few friends I do have, I have taught myself to hide my mischievous side as best I can. I try to control my urges (my urge to hit people, my urge to steal things, my urge to stick my hand into the bag of beans). I try to control my emotions (ie... crying at sad movies, laughing too loud, blushing). And I try to control my conversation (as few random thoughts as possible, no talking about myself, no crude humor, no swearing).
Over the years, I have become so afraid of acting completely natural because completely natural for me is highly bizarre. When my true self does slip through I often earn myself confused looks... or I do something I relive over and over again, regretting it more with each successive iteration (such as forcefully grabbing E). So now, even though I have no motivation to study, wear fancy clothes, or appear mature, I find I'm withdrawing into myself and going with the flow so as not to be left behind.... but it doesn't feel like me anymore.
Does that make sense?
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