Same old, same old

And I'm back to being depressed. I can't seem to make up my mind... one minute everything is great and the next it most certainly is not. I'm so sick of it. I want a normal life. I want things to go as I plan them and I want to be done with this effing indecision. I want a job that will get me out of the damn house, I want to meet new people, I want a boyfriend so I can spend my time making out with someone, and I want to be myself. I have no one to talk to and I have no one I can be myself around. I miss me... I miss doing as I please without having to worry about how people see me. And fuck, I miss being a goody two shoes... why the hell did I have to drink on Thursday? My first ever experience at being drunk - a surreal experience in which I felt more like the guinea pig of my own experiment than actually drunk - and I liked it. I'm a hypocrite... and being one scares me. I don't want to be dependent on alcohol to make me feel as good as I did while drinking alcohol. I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I want to feel great without it. I want to spend my time being happy and doing something worthwhile. And I want to quit needing things... I don't need a boyfriend... they just bring trouble. God damn I'm sick of all the guy drama! I hate it! Do they like me? don't they like me? I hate hate hate it... and I hate it even more when I read to much into one little thing and get my hopes up only to have them thrown into a piss puddle the next. If you like me why can't you just tell me straight up? and if you don't can you make it obvious so I don't start daydreaming again?! I am so fucking frustrated at my own behavior... at my own spinelessness that I am becoming paranoid. Please Lord, put me out of my misery!