Losing Nothing

I think with change, the hardest part is knowing you won't get to have your usual routine, do the same things, see the same people. You have to rely on memories... that's the trigger. That's why change is so scary for me. I'm afraid my memories won't be enough. Like I'll lose something good and then forget what good even felt like. I rarely think of it in a positive light.

I have to remind myself that I'll always have my memories (at least until I suffer from Alzheimer's but even then... I won't remember that there was something to remember, so I won't be sad). And when have I ever left something good behind without replacing it with something good or even better? Never, I don't think.

I was always sad and nervous when I started a new school - elementary to middle, middle to junior high, and so on. But I never regretted those changes. When I was a kid, I'd cry myself to sleep over thoughts of death and fires and loss. I cried when I was 6 at my babysitter's wedding, when I couldn't understand the concept of a honeymoon. I thought she was leaving forever. In high school, once I realized that my parents wouldn't spontaneously combust into a pile of ash and flame, I would morn the loss of my youth... letting stress and fear of the unknown cause me to panic.

It's funny now to think about how sad and worried I was to be turning 13. I thought being a teenager was horrible, being that much closer to death. Well... I still feel that way. That song 100 Years gets me every time because when you think about it, 100 years isn't so very long at all.

But at what point have you ever stopped and said, God I wish I hadn't gone to college, studied abroad, gotten a job... I mean sure we all have our regrets. I wish I wasn't such a lazy slob all the time, wish I had lost weight in high school, wish I'd gotten better grades etc. But I don't regret going to Central. Central was some of the best years of my life. I learned to be me at Central. And while I cried on my way to New Zealand... I had the time of my life there! I cried when I left it, too.

I have abandonment issues. I'm afraid that when I leave, I'll leave everything and everyone and all my memories behind. But as I sit here in my bed on my last day (potentially) as a "young adult." I'm thinking... this must be where I'm meant to be. I can feel it. I'm sad to be leaving, I'm worried I won't be welcome home with my parents, I'm worried my friends will forget me and move on with their lives before I come back. But... I guess... what kind of life have I lived if that were the case?

What I mean is, my life is like plow. It's unruly and hard to manage and is usually pulled along but some force - fate - but my life has weight to it. It's heavy. And the world is soil. And whether it's soft, rich, or hard as rock... the plow is going to scratch at the surface. My life has weight and I've left a trail or trench or whatever. I think that even if I were to lose everything. I'd still have something.

But then, why do I have to lose anything? I'm only a year's experience and 2000 miles away from home. In this day and age, that's nothing.