Love, Love, Love...

Okay this is an "all-in-one" update post. Normally I go chronologically, but I think today I'll just type as the mood hits me.

My friend is driving me nuts with all her talk of online dating. I'm so sick of hearing how great one guy is or how often another guy texts her. And no matter what I tell her, she never listens to my advice. Then a month or two later she comes back with "Oh my friend says this...." and "my friend says that..." Stuff that I had told her originally. But why listen to me? I have no experience [insert eye roll]. So listen to LeAnn instead!

I went to pick up camping gear for her visit, though. I'm excited for the prospect of having an adventure. I want to see some things out here, Wupatki and Chiricahua and others. If there were one thing to do out here, what would it be? What would it be in Michigan, I wonder?

I miss Michigan... my beautiful home. I miss the snow. There is suppose to be a snow storm tonight or tomorrow.

I've decided I need to be more aware of current events. I spend half my time in dreamland and the other half avoiding reality. I think I need to catch up on world affairs.. but when I spent the afternoon reviewing CNN I remembered why I never bothered before. Everything is so negative or controversial or boring... or some sort of ridiculous filler because there is nothing better to show. The top watched video for today was a gorilla who could walk upright. Why is this so fascinating? I don't understand... all apes have the ability to walk upright just not for prolonged periods of time. They don't have the skeletal or muscular structure to do so. The gorilla had "learned" the behavior in order to carry something with two hands, which is a perfectly natural behavior. The second most watched video was one about the protests in Egypt.

Which do you suppose is more important? A walking gorilla or political protests in Egypt?

I'm not saying either one is more appropriate. It's just a fascinating cultural study.

Another fascinating cultural study? The hunt for potential mating partners... aka dating. I'm really anti-dating at the moment. Not anti-relationship, -love, -whathaveyou... just anti-dating. And quite possibly anti-sex, too. And this may be me being prudish, and right about now I don't give a damn. No scratch that, I don't give a damn personally for myself. But I do wonder if I'm some sort of freak of nature or asexual or something. Sidebar: to be sure I used the correct terminology, I wiki'd asexual and the description seems plausible. Which may only mean I'm more of a hypochondriac than previously realized... I mean, it's not like I don't fantasize. And I'm certainly attracted to men, God, sometimes they're all I think about. I also have a deluded opinion that one ought to be in love before they have sex. Go figure?

And I don't know that I've ever experienced love... which may be exactly why I have no desire to sleep around. Granted I've had my fair share of like which has amounted to nothing.

I've never really considered myself sexy either. I just can't pull it off. I can do cute. I can do confident. I can do outgoing or shy. I can do loud or smart or boisterous and happy. But sexy? Not so much...

Last Monday, however, threw me for a loop. My tango instructor, whom I thought was gay, put the moves on me. After being told I may get to teach, he introduced me to the community center manager then asked me out for a drink. Thinking along the lines of a "business" meeting to get the details, I say "Uh..... sure."

BIG MISTAKE. We start off by discussing my being a teacher, move on to how he got started as a dancer, and then he progresses from the pole dancer he dated and strip poker to threesomes, giving his son condoms for his 18th birthday, not wanting kids, not wanting to get married, living with a woman he still sleeps with but isn't committed to, being molested as a child, by a man, who forced him to watch porn, which he wanted to stipulate was not gay porn, but female porn, so that when he had his first time "with. a. woman." he wanted her to act like the woman in the porno so that he could be turned on, and when he had her masturbate for him she scared him by "squirting" which he took to mean she was peeing on him...........................






UH.....






The look on my face prompted him to ask if I were Christian. At which point I said very Christian. I am VERY Christian. But he didn't get the point. Nor did he get the point when he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said YES.

Within 20 minutes (and it was only 20 minutes) he had told me his entire sexual life history. And expected me to be impressed! Instead I jumped up at 9:15 proclaiming "OH MY GOD! The dogs! I've got to feed the dogs! They've been out all night... I gotta go!" and I ran for my car.

Now, I don't know why, but all my life I have always attracted some pretty odd characters. Each of whom feel the need to share their life histories with me. But this is the first time I've ever had ANYONE be so disgusting, crude, and suggestive to me. And as I said before. I'm. Not. Sexy. I don't come across as sexy, and I certainly don't come across as easy.

I was so disturbed I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight and woke up at 3.30am after having repetitive dream sequences (a sign that I'm sick) that are also like Chinese water torture, they drive me so crazy. I went for a jog at about 4:30am, showered and got ready for work and then called in sick because I could barely keep my eyes open.

The next two nights I drugged myself to sleep.

And my friend, the desperate one who wants me to meet guys online, said "Oh well... it's experience" and then "Well it's over now, you just have to let it go..."

SAYS THE GIRL WHO INSISTED ON TELLING ME EVERY LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT HOW AWFUL IT WAS FOR HER WHEN THE GUY SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH BUT WASN'T "DATING" CHEATED ON HER (IF YOU CAN EVEN CHEAT ON SOMEONE YOU AREN'T COMMITTED TO)!!!!

For nearly a month straight! And I can't have a week or two to wrap my head around the 40 year old perv who wanted to whisper disgusting somethings in my ear??????

Deep breath... deeeeeeep bbrreeaatthh...

Okay, so yeah back to my original point. I'm kind of over sex and dating. I was thinking about this in the shower the other day. That if I were ever to date anyone, it would be because I thought there was a chance for something more. Casual flings just aren't my thing. I'm too traditional. I want romance and friendship and loyalty and trust. What's the point if there isn't that? Does that mean I'm a freak?

Suffice it to say, I'm perfectly happy not dealing with all that crap right now. I want to be my own person before I have to be someone else. Plus, I have a list of things I want to do and with my abandonment issues and everything else; I don't know if it would be possible to accomplish it all when I am tied down to one place.

Plus, and I may have said this before, I don't crush all that easy. Yes, I see several guys and think "Wow, they're hot!" I may even think "Damn, I'd do them!" Haha... but in reality, I've only ever liked 4 guys. In my entire life. I have only seriously considered 4 guys as potentials. God, no wonder I'm such a loner...

And a long time ago, I decided that the only way anyone is going to like me is when I like myself. So I'm focusing on that. And even though last week I gave up on dieting, I'm back on track this week and feeling good.

I need another target to work towards. Running the PHX1/2 was such an accomplishment for me. Considering a year ago I couldn't finish 15 minutes without dying. When I hit the 12 mile marker I wanted to give up... a power walker was moving faster than me!! But when I came into the 13th mile and the finish line was .1 mile away - I could see it, hear the music - I started to cry with relief. I had to physically tell myself to get a grip because I was about to choke on the emotions welling up inside me. Sprinting into the finish line was the most amazing feeling.

I need another of those. I want to run the Detroit 1/2 in October, but what can I do in the meantime? Perhaps find a new hobby?? Bellydancing? I've never done that before... or hula perhaps!

I bought myself tulips. I love tulips. They're yellow with flashes of red. I put them in a mason jar. They make me happy. When I get married I'm going to have tulips. When I have a baby there will be tulips. Lots of bright yellow tulips. White tulips. Red tulips. Sunshine and beautiful flowers in glass jars.

I also want a dress. And new shoes, and jeans, and a whole new wardrobe. I'm getting sick of my clothes. They aren't pretty.

My hair is getting long though. Gave myself a trim today... it was needed.

Now to focus on my future. Resume writing, job hunting, and daydreaming about having adventures in foreign lands.

Stuck on Korean Dramas (they really have the market cornered on romantic comedies/dramas) and eating Asian food. Need to learn some recipes so I can use my chopsticks!

New Favorite Song:

And now... to bed :) Thanks for listening!