Ketchup

I've been meaning to blog for a while, but haven't had the gumption to actually do it. I also have a lot to talk about, but haven't been in the mood to post several blogs (let alone one). However, since I've got nothing better to do, I figure I might as well get down to brass tacks. (Who says that anyways?) Therefore, I'm serving up a 4 course meal... during what will hopefully be a very brief blog update.

For starters, my goal to monitor my daily caloric intake tanked. This was not however due to any failure on my part. I actually made it 2.5 whole weeks and lost the 5 pounds I gained back since being home... so technically, you could say it was a success. In reality, I went back to Chicago for the weekend and had difficulty tracking everything I was eating - not to mention how many calories. But, let me tell you! If you have the chance to eat at La Fonda Latino Grille, do it! So delicious!

That is a whole other story, though. Why I was in Chicago, I mean. I had an interview with a Catholic organization that really put my salad in a toss. I should have been excited for this interview, should have been nervous... and sure I was nervous, but for all the wrong reasons. Reasons which will be discussed shortly. For now, just believe me... I was not very enthusiastic in having this interview. When I arrived (early) I was made to sit and wait... fine whatever, but then when he finally does get around to talking to me it was so self important. He was a braggart and straightforward to the point of being rude. And while two of the four people were tolerable (even nice) the fourth person was a complete jerk! AND... the one I'd be saddled with. After leaving the interview, the job sounded fairly interesting... but the people [GAG ME] were awful! The clincher was that if I were offered the job I'd have to take it and that is a very VERY depressing thought.

Along those lines, for the main event (or rather entree), the reason I was "ify" going into that interview was because I had already been offered a job! YAY! But it's never that simple is it? After over a year of waiting to have even a handful of interviews, I finally get two interviews in the same week. 1) A high paying entry level job in a career field I'm only quasi-enthusiastic about or 2) an exceptionally low paying job in a non-profit organization working with Native Americans in a position that has been my dream ever since my mother told me what "Anthropology" was.

This job... my dream job... even if up to this point I hadn't a clue what I truly wanted to do with my life, is exactly what I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. I had been terrified before this interview because it would be such a commitment. An entire year of living in squalor, being at the beck and call of people who may turn out to be using me for my naivete and willingness to work for basically free. I'd have to move to another state (potentially one that I will hate, seeing as this state is practically the desert!), meet new people and survive on less than I would make as a sales associate.

But after that interview, when they offered me the job, when I realized God obviously wants me to consider this option, I felt good... happy... rejuvenated and excited. I WOULD BE WORKING IN AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL POSITION!!! This is what dreams are made of! After all that rigmarole that I put myself through in my master's program, I'm finally back to my roots and to what I have always loved... people, history, culture.

So I prayed. I asked for guidance and a sign. Short of hearing God talk to me (one can only hope, right?), I'd settle for being offered the position that I was meant to take. Which is why Friday night, when I got home, I burst into tears when Mom wanted to know the details. How could I turn down a position that would pay me enough to live completely independently?! What if I was offered the money?? Could money make me happy?! No, but it sure could make my life easier. I'd have to deal with those jerks every day for the next year at least. I'd have to brown nose, and follow directives, and read and abide by strict regulations. I'd have to be a peon in an organization that (sorry, Catholics) thinks they're high and mighty... God's right hand men. The guy who interviewed me sang to me! Who does that? He scanned my resume and cover letter, adopted a retention policy, enacted access restrictions, and gave it metadata tags! And then he proceeded to offer me tips on how to improve what he considered a "stretch of the imagination" (ie. my cover letter)!! I felt like crying and could imagine my hair falling out at this organization (whether due to mindless stress or because I've pulled it out in frustration, I have yet to figure out).

And so, I had been so happy knowing that I had my dream (if underpaid) job to fall back on. But it was too good to be true. Shortly there after, I find myself in my initial doldrums. I can't take that job. How could I live? My parents say they don't want to support me but that's exactly what they'd be doing anyway if I were sitting on their couch here at home for another year. I can't do that...

Why is it that I am offered a job doing meaningful work that will benefit a lot of people while giving me invaluable experience and powerful connections, and I can't logically accept it?

Why would God put a plate of food in front of me, and then expect me to eat crumbs off the floor? Or maybe I have the wrong perspective, maybe these jobs are the crumbs and I have yet to see the feast?

I don't know but I've been so stressed lately, so tired, so teary eyed (which I continue to blame on my new medication although I know that probably isn't true at this point). I just need help, and support, and a chance. That's all I ask!

And now... because that was a bit hard to digest. A lighter, more fanciful discourse (hehe... get it? dis-COURSE?)... The dessert :)

I want two dresses. Two sexy dresses in which I slay every man within sight. The first, a little black dress that hugs all my sexy features, enhances those in need, and hides whatever is left. Something slimming and versatile. That I can throw on for a date or an opening gala event. I will wear killer heels that show off my mega long legs and my hair will be done perfectly! This dress is going to have them salivating!!

The second, will be a sexy red dress. It's the dress that will reel them in. It's going to be loud yet subtle. Over the top yet understated. A red dress that will have guys primal-lusting for me left and right. This dress is the dress I'm going to be asked out in, hit on in, having drinks in, flirting with the bartender in... and of course... more long legs, perfect hair, and guys drooling!